


Slice of Souls!

by CalSantiago



Series: Soulsborne Modern AU [2]
Category: Bloodborne (Video Game), Dark Souls (Video Games), Dark Souls II, Dark Souls III, Demon's Souls, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Best Friends, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Camping, Comedy, Crossover, F/M, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Other, Romantic Comedy, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-05-06 07:59:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5409086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalSantiago/pseuds/CalSantiago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of slice-of-life oneshots starring the modern AU Soulsborne Gang after the events of Hotspring Souls! What happens when the Hunter, Artorias, the Chosen Undead, and Solaire form a band? What happens when Lady Maria joins the gang? What is a "Couples Yoga" class? More shenanigans ensue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Sunbros

**Author's Note:**

> This series of short stories takes place after the events of Hotspring Souls! Characters from Bloodborne The Old Hunters appear. So do a couple of characters from a certain video game about determination...
> 
> Special thanks to AO3 user FanficsbyVe for helping me come up with several of the headcanons and scenarios in these stories.
> 
> Here's what the Modern Soulsborne Gang looks like:
> 
> http://calsantiago.tumblr.com/post/136243671108/soulsborne-modern-au-character-designs-part-1-done
> 
> http://calsantiago.tumblr.com/post/136243866918/soulsborne-modern-au-character-designs-part-2-done
> 
> http://calsantiago.tumblr.com/post/144134689113/soulsborne-modern-au-character-designs-part-3-done

"Aww man... Here goes nothing..."

The Good Hunter was sweating bullets as he faced a crowd of a hundred or so people all gathered in the park. The bright stage lights made his eyes sting and he could barely see as he slowly stepped up to the microphone. Squinting made things a little better. From where he stood, he could see the Doll standing in the front row along with Ciaran and Rhea, who were also there to support their respective boyfriends. His other friends were scattered throughout the audience. 

Lady Maria was also there, standing next to the Doll. She gave the Hunter a glare, but the Doll only smiled and cheered him on.

"You can do it, Good Hunter!"

The Hunter swallowed hard as he brought the mic closer to his face, his hands trembling. He gripped it tightly, trying his goshdarned best not to drop it.

"H-hey there... Good evening! Um... W-we're The Sunbros and f-for our first song, w-we'll be playing... Uh... 'Praise the Sun'. H-here goes..."

He strummed his guitar and leaned closer to the microphone, inhaling deeply as he decided to let the powers that be handle the situation.

**_Three weeks earlier..._ **

"So, any of you guys coming to the music festival at the park on the 21st?"

The Good Hunter looked up from his espresso as the Chosen Undead suddenly spoke up. The young man had just returned to the corner booth where the Hunter, Artorias, and Solaire were sitting and having coffee. In his right hand was his cappuccino, while in his left was a small flyer. The Chosen Undead took a sip of his coffee, then laid the flyer down on the table for the rest of the guys to see as he sat down. 

It was 8pm on a Friday night. The four men had decided to get together at Chagall Café while Ciaran had taken the girls to see a movie. The evening started out quiet; Solaire had been telling stories of his uncle Valtr when the Chosen Undead got up to order some coffee. While standing in line, his eyes glanced at the bulletin board on the wall and saw something that piqued his interest.

"Music festival, huh?" the Hunter repeated as he looked at the flyer.

"Yeah, it's an alternative rock festival," the Chosen Undead said, "Griggs invited me. He told me he was going to support his sister. There's gonna be a 'battle of the bands', apparently. Rhea and I might go. I mean, it sounds fun, anyway. How about you?"

"Hmm," Artorias rubbed his chin, "It sounds interesting. But I'm not sure if Ciaran would want to go since she's... more of the head-banging, table-flipping, riots-and-arson punk and heavy metal type..."

The Hunter snickered at that remark. "Yeah, it might be a bit too tame for her. But you're right, it does sound like fun. I'll ask Evetta later if she's interested."

"Ooh, do you think anybody's doing some Van Halen covers?" Solaire asked, giddily reading the details on the flyer.

"Uh, I dunno," the Chosen Undead shrugged. "But I guess some of the bands might? Maybe?"

"Ah, well I definitely would if I were playing at this event!" Solaire grinned.

"Hehe, you should do one of your mad drum solos, then," the Hunter teased.

"Hey... I just thought of something!" Artorias suddenly said, "Why don't we compete in this festival... as a band?"

The Abysswalker stood up in excitement, causing the other patrons of the café to stare in his direction. He quickly collected himself and sat down, but kept looking eagerly at his friends, waiting for their response. For a while, everyone else at the table was silent, unsure if Artorias was joking or if he was _seriously_ suggesting that they form a band and compete at the music festival... which happened to be only three weeks away. 

"Well?" Artorias said again, the large, boyish smile still on his face. "What dost thou say? I say we do it! Let's do it! Thou agreest with me, right, Hunter?"

"Ehh..." was all the Hunter could say. He saw the look of sheer enthusiasm on Artorias's face, and he knew that his friend wasn't kidding. Whenever Artorias got excited about something, he would be sure to pursue it...

"Why, that sounds like a jolly good idea!" Solaire finally spoke up. "It's much more fun to actually be a part of the show rather than just be mere spectators, after all! I volunteer to be the drummer!"

"I shall be the bassist!" Artorias folded his arms and nodded. "Chosen Undead, thou shall be the guitarist, correct?"

"U-um..." the Chosen Undead muttered, "S-sure, I guess... B-but the music festival is in three weeks. Are you sure it's a good idea to—"

"Why, three weeks is plenty of time!" Solaire interrupted, now as excited as Artorias. "I wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you. Especially not with your skill! Now, I wonder who our vocalist will be..."

"Isn't it obvious, Solaire?" Artorias said, "The Hunter, of course!"

"W-WHAT?!" the Hunter spat out his coffee in surprise. "Whoa whoa whoa, wait a second! I didn't agree to this—"

"But thou art PERFECT for the role!" Artorias said.

"Ah, and if I recall you can play guitar, too, right?" Solaire added. "Splendid! Two for the price of one, you could say! Aha ha ha ha!"

"Yeah, that sounds about right," the Chosen Undead chuckled. "All right then, looks like we have enough people for the band—"

"... N-no," the Hunter said flatly. "Sorry guys, but I decline."

"Oh, it'll be fun! Just like the good old days!" Artorias said as he wrapped an arm around the Hunter and began to reminisce. "Ah, 'tis all coming back to me now... The Freshman Concert... Good times, good times..."

"Y-you and I remember the Freshman Concert very differently, Arty..." the Hunter eased himself from his friend's grip. "Look, you guys can compete if you want, but I really think I'm gonna sit this one out... Why would you want _me_ to be your singer, anyway?"

"Because thou hast such a smooth and silky voice?" Artorias teased.

"Very funny, Arty..." the Hunter rolled his eyes.

"No, seriously! I mean it!" Artorias insisted, despite trying his best not to laugh.

The Hunter downed another espresso with the most unamused look on his face. If Artorias, Solaire and the Chosen Undead were forming a band and competing at the music festival, then good for them. But he'd rather not be forced into joining, especially not if they wanted him to be the singer... Before he could say anything else, though, the café door opened and, along with the ringing of the tiny bell, he heard some familiar voices.

"'Sup, dudes! Sorry we're late!"

The Slayer of Demons, the Bearer of the Curse and Garl Vinland had just arrived. Artorias happily greeted the three men as they approached the group, and told them of his brilliant plan.

"Hehe, you guys are formin' a band? Sweet!" the Slayer of Demons said with a low whistle.

"I'm guessing the Good Hunter here is gonna be your vocalist?" the Bearer of the Curse added.

"He sure is!" Solaire nodded.

"Am NOT!" the Hunter insisted, but was ignored once again.

"So... This competition have a prize or anything?" the Slayer of Demons asked. "If it's money, then I'd like to join the band, too! Course... I don't know how to play any instruments... But if you need great balls of fire, then I'm your guy!" He laughed as he folded his arms behind his back.

"Uh, I don't think pyrotechnics are a key part of a band, Slayer..." Garl muttered, "In any case, though, Dearest Astraea and I will be more than happy to provide moral support."

"Yeah, we'll cheer you on, Hunter!" the Bearer of the Curse nodded.

"G-guys, I keep trying to tell you!" the Hunter sighed, "I'm NOT the vocalist! I'm NOT a part of this band!"

"Aww, c'mon, Hunter!" Solaire pleaded, "Please be our vocalist!"

"Pretty please!" Artorias added, clasping his hands.

"If you can pilot a giant freaking robot by yourself and pretty much save the world, then singing for the band should be a piece of cake!" the Slayer of Demons reasoned.

The Hunter groaned. He had no idea why everyone was pushing him to be the singer for the band... Status quo, maybe? He _was_ pretty much the de facto "leader" of their group of friends, anyway... That was likely the reason, he thought. But that wasn't what bothered him, no. The truth was that the Hunter just didn't feel comfortable singing and playing guitar in front of an audience, especially after what happened at the Freshman Concert all those years ago... 

Still, he looked at his friends and realized they all genuinely wanted him in the band. Artorias had even started giving him those puppy dog eyes, too. They worked a lot better when it was Sif giving them but hey, Arty was trying his best. The Hunter sighed. The things he did for friendship...

"OK, fine," he finally relented. "I'll join your band."

...

The next morning, the newly-formed band met at Solaire's apartment for their first practice session, since he had the space and the equipment. Solaire had suggested that they name themselves "The Sunbros". Well, seeing as how the other suggestions were "Da Gank Squad", "Estus and Vials", "Meaty Meaty Dragon Tail Choppers", and "Three Knights and a Hunter" among other ridiculous band names, the decision was unanimous. "The Sunbros", they were. Now that that was out of the way, they could get on with the actual practice.

For the most part, practice went smoothly. Out of the four men, Solaire was the only one who still regularly played his instrument and it definitely showed. The Chosen Undead was a bit rusty with the guitar, but nevertheless managed to find his rhythm and played smoothly for the rest of the session. The Hunter was rusty, too, but he also found his rhythm after a while. Artorias, on the other hand... well, it was a good thing he was only playing bass.

As Artorias and Solaire predicted, the Hunter really was the best suited to be the vocalist, even if he himself didn't think so. He had an uncanny ability of nailing every note of every song they played. He had no problem singing since there were only four of them in the room, though. Now if only he'd have the same confidence when they played for real. Three weeks really wasn't plenty of time. But the Hunter thought to himself that they should just do their best. And in the event that things went horribly, horribly wrong and they made complete and utter fools of themselves in front of a hundred people, hey, at least they tried.

It was already dinner time once the Hunter and Artorias returned to their apartment building. Both of them were tired and hungry. It had been a long day, but they had managed to get a lot done. Not bad for the band's first practice session.

"Hey Arty," the Hunter said to the Abysswalker as he was about to enter his apartment, "You know, now that we've started this, we gotta start taking it seriously, OK? We've got practice everyday now. Every 6pm on weekdays, and every 9am on weekends at Solaire's place. At least three hours, I reckon. Wouldn't wanna blow it at the music festival."

"It'll be fine!" Artorias reassured his friend with a chuckle. "Honestly, thou art too serious sometimes."

"I just... don't wanna mess up," the Hunter sighed as he shut the door.

"Welcome home, Good Hunter," the Doll greeted him. "How was practice?"

"Uh, good, I guess?" the Hunter replied. "How was your day, Evetta?"

"Good," the Doll said. "Arcane tutorials went well, and I finished some design commissions. Oh, and I received a phone call from Maria today. I told her you formed a band and she said she was interested in watching you play—"

"Wait, what?!" the Hunter is interrupted, "M-Maria knows about the band? A-and she wants to watch us play?!"

"Yes," the Doll nodded, "Um... Should I not have told her?"

The Hunter shuddered. He and Lady Maria, the Doll's "cousin", had an odd relationship, to say the least. She had been openly antagonistic towards him when he and the Doll first started dating, and had made several attempts to sabotage their relationship (and end his life). At one point, she even stalked the two on their date as a poorly-disguised potted plant... Then she set the restaurant on fire. Maria had a tendency to cause the things around her to spontaneously catch on fire whenever she got angry. And she got angry A LOT during the early stages of the Hunter and the Doll's relationship.

The Hunter cringed at those memories. He was incredibly relieved that Maria had mellowed out a lot over the years. In spite of this, she still got a kick out of making fun of the Hunter. Even more so when the Hunter was placed in potentially embarrassing situations. And now Maria apparently was interested in seeing his band play. He wondered if this was her idea of revenge for him not inviting her to the hotsprings...

He didn't want to dwell on it too much. He was tired and hungry from a long day of practice and the Doll noticed. The two of them sat down at the table and had a simple dinner of chicken, vegetables and rice, after which they went back to the living room to watch a bit of TV before heading to bed.

"Good Hunter, is something wrong?" the Doll asked after noticing her boyfriend seemed uneasy and was barely paying any attention to the wildlife documentary they were watching. Odd, since he loved wildlife documentaries. "You are worried about the upcoming music festival, aren't you?"

"Y-yeah..." the Hunter sighed. "I dunno, guess I'm nervous. I don't wanna let the guys down."

"You're doubting your abilities again," the Doll said, in an almost teasing manner. "After all you've accomplished, you're nervous about playing in a band?"

The Hunter didn't say anything. He was tired from practice and knowing that Lady Maria of all people would be coming to watch the band play added a whole new level of pressure. He sighed deeply.

"You really think I worry too much, Evetta?" the Hunter asked after a few moments of silence.

"YES. Yes you do," the Doll answered without so much as batting an eyelid. "And it really is a bad habit if yours."

"That was... terribly blunt," the Hunter frowned.

"Perhaps, but _someone_ needs to be straightforward with you, Good Hunter," the Doll teased. "Else, you'll die early. And I have no intention of arranging your funeral."

"Oh, Evetta..." the Hunter smiled. The Doll always knew how to make him feel better.

She smiled back, gently pulled him towards her, then gave him a kiss on the forehead. He kissed her as well, on the lips this time, as he wrapped his arms around her. After a while, he moved his mouth to her neck, eliciting a few giggles. The Doll caught on to his intentions and immediately shut off the TV, before picking him up bridal-style and taking him to their bedroom. The otters of the Amazon river would have to wait. Right now, she and the Hunter needed to engage in some... "intimate psychotherapy".

...

"OK guys, once more from the top! One, two, three!"

Solaire wiped the sweat off his brow as he began doing the complex drum roll that started the song. A couple of hits on the crash cymbal, and he set the beat. This was immediately followed by the Chosen Undead doing the lead guitar solo and Artorias playing the bass portion. Around twenty seconds into the song, the Hunter began singing. 

_"Shinin' in the sky like a great ball of fire,_  
_Warm and burnin' like my desire, for you..._  
_Oh baby, you're just like the Sun..._  
_No baby, you're more than the Sun..."_

The Sunbros' practice session was in full swing. The music festival was now less than a week away and the four men had been preparing for it best as they could. In fact, they practiced as if their very lives depended on it! While they had started somewhat rusty, now everyone had undergone tons of improvement. Solaire's speed and synchronization was now pretty much perfect. The Chosen Undead could now pull off riffs and solos without any problems. Even Artorias, whose bass-playing was still somewhat mediocre, was at least no longer as piss poor as when he started two and a half weeks ago.

But most importantly, the Hunter had grown confident in his singing abilities. Even better, he was actually _having fun_ singing for the band. He hadn't felt that way in a LONG time. Even if The Sunbros didn't win the competition, at least he was sure that they wouldn't mess up and make fools of themselves. That put his mind at ease. Still, he preferred if the band was absolutely PERFECT when they performed...

The hours flew by as the band continued their practice session. By the time they were finished, it was already almost 1am.

"All right, guys," the Hunter finally said, panting, "I think that'll do it for today. Nice work, everybody!"

"Yes, you've done well, gents!" Solaire said, also exhausted. "We've all worked so hard these past couple of weeks. Only five more days, now... I'm sure we can do it!"

"I'm getting excited just thinking about it!" Artorias said. "Ah, I hope the crowd likes us!"

The Chosen Undead smiled. "Well, our girlfriends are gonna be watching us, so we can rest assured that at least a few people in the crowd likes us! Aww, I can just imagine Rhea-chan's face... So adorabru...!"

"We can still improve a bit more, though," the Hunter said. "Let's make the best out of these last five days! I-I... I think we should put in DOUBLE the effort from now on! Practice overtime! Whaddya say, guys?"

The three other men grew quiet. They knew the Hunter only wanted the best for the band, but they HAD already been working hard these past few weeks.

"Uh... Thy determination is inspiring and all, but..." Artorias suddenly said, "Shouldn't we pace ourselves a little? It's probably not a good idea to burn ourselves out this close to the music festival."

"No no no, Arty, you're going about it the wrong way!" the Hunter shook his head. "The competition is five days away and, yeah, I guess we're playing pretty good. BUT I don't want any of us to get complacent! We'll just practice a little longer than usual is all!"

"Well, how much longer is 'a little longer'?" The Chosen Undead asked.

"Uh, a couple more hours, I guess?" the Hunter shrugged.

"But Hunter, Ciaran will MURDER me if I go home THAT late!" Artorias reasoned.

"Rhea and I haven't been able to spend as much time together recently, too..." the Chosen Undead added.

"Oh, come on, guys!" the Hunter insisted, "It's just for a few more days. Just a tiny tiny sacrifice so we can GIT GUD in time for the music festival!"

Artorias and the Chosen Undead looked at each other, then back at the Hunter. His eyes were burning with determination, sure, but they couldn't help but feel that something else was pushing him to work so hard. Like, a primal fear of being humiliated and consequently being taunted by a specific person for messing up or something...

"Hmm..." Solaire rubbed his chin. "The Hunter does have a point. After all, no two words in the English language are more harmful than 'good job'."

"Well, if it's only for the last five days..." the Chosen Undead said, "Then, OK. I'm cool with a few extra hours of practice."

"I just hope Ciaran doesn't lock me out of the apartment for this..." Artorias sighed. "Since we've started practicing, she and I have barely had any se—"

"OKAAAAAAAY, THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY," the Hunter interrupted. "I promise this'll all be worth it, guys! See you tomorrow!"

The next day, "practice overtime" had officially begun, and it wasn't pretty. For one thing, the Hunter seemed to be on edge more than usual and was critical of even the smallest mistake. His edginess inevitably extended to the rest of the band, with the Chosen Undead becoming so fidgety that he had to regularly replace his guitar strings. Solaire had become obsessed with finding "the right tempo", so much that he seemed to fall into an odd trance when playing the drums. The pressure had even gotten to Artorias, whose bass playing was now somewhat-above-par! Shocking!

To be fair, The Sunbros' playing did get better, but at the cost of the men becoming even more exhausted (they still had day jobs, after all) and usually finishing incredibly late. By the time the music festival was only two days away, the band had finished their practice session just half an hour shy of sunrise. Solaire still did his daily ritual of praising his beloved sun, but by then the extra hours had taken such a toll on him that it almost looked like he was doing it half-heartedly.

To complicate things, Lady Maria had just arrived at the Hunter and the Doll's apartment the night before, and the Hunter was unaware of it. By the time he came home, he found her having some scrambled eggs and orange juice in their kitchen. She grinned at the dumbfounded look on his face.

"Good morning, Hunter."

"G-good m-morning, Maria," the Hunter stammered as he took a seat. "I... didn't know you'd arrived."

"Well, you didn't come home last night so I'm not surprised," Maria replied.

"Oh, r-right," the Hunter said. "Uh, where's Evetta?"

Maria took a sip of her orange juice. "She's still sleeping. She stayed up late last night waiting for you to come home."

"O-Oh..." the Hunter said as a sudden realization of his mistake hit him. He could see that Maria was glaring at him.

"You could have AT LEAST called Evetta to tell her about it, you know," Maria said again.

"I-I..." the Hunter stuttered again, "I-it slipped my mind. We were practicing and—"

"And you were practicing so hard you couldn't even spare five minutes to let my little cousin know that you wouldn't be coming home last night?"

"T-the music festival is only two days away and I just wanted the band to get better!"

"Yes, because this band of yours is more important than Evetta, right?"

"W-what? N-no! It's not like that at all—"

"Well, let me tell you something, Hunter," Maria slammed her empty glass on the table. "When your band performs at the music festival this Friday, you BETTER be good. You BETTER show me that you haven't been neglecting Evetta for nothing."

"I... I haven't been... neglecting her..." the Hunter tried to reason.

"Like I said, prove it to me," Maria huffed. "Remember all those years ago when I threatened to shove Rakuyo up your backside if you ever did anything to hurt my cousin? Don't make me keep that promise, Hunter."

The Hunter said nothing as Maria stood up and started walking away.

"Oh, and I'd eat breakfast quickly if I were you. Don't you still have to go to work?"

...

"SOLAIRE, WHAT HAPPENED?! What happened to your HANDS?!"

"Aha ha ha..." Solaired laughed sheepishly as everyone was shocked to see his hands all bloody and bandaged up. "Well, you see... I wanted to find some inspiration, seeing as how the music festival is only a day away. And... I sort of... got a bit TOO inspired, it seems."

"You... You didn't watch _Whiplash_ , did you?" the Chosen Undead asked. Solaire only smiled and whistled nonchalantly. "Dude, WHY? You know that movie is about an unhealthy obsession with getting better!"

"But, but, it's INSPIRATIONAL!" Solaire insisted. "And the cinematography is GORGEOUS!"

"Argh, dammit! This is no good!" the Hunter groaned. "The music festival is TOMORROW and now we don't even have a drummer?!"

"H-hey!" Solaire cut in, "I can still play tomorrow! I just need time to let my hands heal!"

"And Arty... Arty, WAKE UP!" the Hunter shouted at the Abysswalker, who had collapsed and fallen asleep on the floor. He tried nudging him gently, then eventually kicking the unconscious body, but Artorias still wouldn't wake up and was snoring loudly to boot.

"No drummer, no bassist..." the Hunter groaned again, "On the last night before the competition... All right Marcus, guess it's just you and me for tonight."

"Um, actually..." the Chosen Undead said nervously, "I can only practice for one hour tonight. I promised Rhea we'd go out to dinner."

"Seriously...?" the Hunter said in the most exasperated voice. "What, I'm supposed to practice all by myself or something?!"

"Hey man, relax!" the Chosen Undead tried to calm him down. "Look, we've all been under a lot of stress these past few days. So maybe it's better if we just had a quick practice session for tonight, then rest up?"

"Actually, I have a suggestion," Solaire said. "Perhaps it's best if we all just take a break for tonight. No practice. I know what I said before, but Artorias was right after all. It isn't a good idea to burn ourselves out this close to the competition."

"I don't believe this!" the Hunter snapped. "Do you WANT us to look like idiots tomorrow?!"

"We are NOT gonna look like idiots!" the Chosen Undead said. "We worked our butts off these past three weeks practicing for this music festival, and taking a break for ONE night isn't gonna magically reverse all that!"

"Indeed," Solaire nodded. "Look, I know you're under a lot of pressure, Hunter. And I also want you to know that whatever burdens you may be feeling, you don't have to keep them to yourself! Now... what weighs on your mind?"

"I... I'm sorry," the Hunter hung his head low and exhaled slowly. "It's just that... I really, really, REALLY don't wanna mess up. I don't wanna look like a fool in front of a hundred people. Not to mention in front of Evetta... and Maria..."

"Wait, Maria's watching us play?" the Chosen Undead suddenly said, genuinely shocked. "Lady Maria? Of the Astral Clocktower?! Well, no wonder you were under so much pressure! She could set us all on fire if she isn't impressed by our performance!"

"I know, right!" the Hunter agreed.

"Now now, Maria isn't THAT bad!" Solaire said. "But I do agree that that's a very valid reason for your anxiety."

The Hunter didn't say anything, but he did make a rather amusing high-pitched wheezing sound of despair. He slumped down on the floor next to Artorias the sleeping giant.

Solaire sat down next to him. "Hunter, you've worked harder than any of us. Why, the band wouldn't even exist without you! So I urge you... to take a break. Just for tonight. Get some well-deserved rest and clear your head. And I promise you, we'll do great at the music festival tomorrow."

"T-thanks, Solaire..." the Hunter smiled at his friend. "Well, you better get some rest, too. Let those hands of yours heal up good. And the Chosen Undead has a dinner date with Rhea, too. I should head home to Evetta, too."

As the Hunter got up, he remembered that Artorias was still sleeping on the floor.

"Uh... Before you guys go, mind giving me a hand bringing Arty home?"

After leaving the still-unconscious Artorias at his and Ciaran's doorstep, the Hunter went back to his own apartment. It was dinner time. He found the Doll and Maria already eating in the kitchen, and the two seemed surprised to see that he had come home so early.

"Can I join you ladies?"

"Of course, Good Hunter," the Doll said. "Maria made steak burritos. Here, have some."

"Thanks, honey," the Hunter said as he sat down and took the burrito that the Doll offered him.

"You're home early," Maria said dryly. "I thought your band would be practicing until 8 in the morning again."

"We... decided not to practice for tonight," the Hunter admitted. "It's best that we all have some proper rest before we perform tomorrow. And... I wanted to come home and see Evetta."

"Good Hunter?" the Doll said, slightly confused.

"I wanted to say... I'm sorry," the Hunter said. "I've been so preoccupied with the band and practice and getting better... that I've barely had time for you. I didn't mean to neglect you, Evetta. And I'm sorry for not coming home last night. I should've at least called you."

"You haven't been 'neglecting' me," the Doll clarified, "But... You have been distant. I'm glad you realized that. And yes, I would have appreciated a phone call at the very least."

"So, you're not angry with me?"

"No, I'm not. Well, not anymore... But you do owe me."

"I see. Maybe I can... make it up to you later?"

"Oh, Good Hunter..."

"UH, HELLO?!" Maria interrupted, cringing at the image of her cousin and the Hunter getting jiggy at the dinner table. "I thought you wanted to have some 'proper rest' for tonight?! Now shut up and eat your goddamn burrito!"

...

**_Friday, the night of the Music Festival..._ **

_"More than the sun... Baby, you're more than the sun...  
Even if I praise the sun... I'll give all my love to you..."_

The crowd cheered as The Sunbros played. The Hunter was surprised that they were getting such a positive response from the audience. He could see that the Doll's face was flushed red from hearing him sing, and Maria was actually bobbing her head along to the song. By the time the band reached the second chorus the Chosen Undead had starting singing as well and Rhea was blushing so hard she looked like a glowing red light in the dark audience.

"Kyaaaaaaaaa, Marcus-kun looks so sexy on stage!!!"

"The Good Hunter, too..."

"Heh, at least Arty's bass-playing is actually bearable to listen to now."

"Looks like I don't have to set this park on fire after all..."

By the time The Sunbros had finished their first song, the crowd had gone wild. The band had moved on to playing a few Van Halen covers and once they got around to playing "Dreams", the Hunter was surprised to see dry ice fog suddenly fill the stage, followed by great balls of fire bursting at the sides. He glanced to his left, and saw the Bearer of the Curse and his cat Shalquoir operating a fog machine, and the Slayer of Demons operating the pyrotechnics machines via remote control. They grinned at him, and held a thumb's up. The Hunter smiled back.

All in all, the band's performance was a success! The Hunter could barely believe it, but they didn't mess up at all! He was starting to feel silly for being so nervous about their performance, but he also knew that if it hadn't been for that fear of humiliation, he wouldn't have worked so hard and gotten this good. And by extension, the band wouldn't have gotten this good, too. It seems the Hunter's promise that the sacrifices would be worth it were true. What a surprising turn of events, indeed. The Hunter was even more surprised when the band had finished playing their set of songs and was about to leave the stage, when the audience suddenly started chanting...

"SUNBROS! SUNBROS!! SUNBROS!!!"

They wanted an encore! The audience actually wanted an encore!

"T-they want more..." Artorias said, smiling. "They want another song!"

"Ah, but what else are we gonna play?" the Chosen Undead asked.

"I know just the thing..." the Hunter replied. "Solaire! CARAVAN!"

Solaire nodded giddily, then proceeded to start the song with a drum roll and some cymbal crashes. His left foot remained on the hi-hat pedal, opening and closing them as his swift hands moved expertly around the kit.

Meanwhile, Artorias had started playing the bass portion of their rock cover of "Caravan". Indeed, he was a far cry from the crappy bassist who started playing three weeks ago. The Chosen Undead joined in as well, strumming his guitar to replicate the brass instruments of the original song. The Hunter strummed his own guitar to maintain the rhythm. In the audience, Ciaran was actually quite impressed with Artorias, while the Doll and Rhea had essentially melted into a puddle from fangirling at their boyfriends so much. Maria, on the other hand, was channeling Fletcher and was moving her own hands as if she were conducting the band or playing the drums herself. Yes, Solaire was THAT good.

The song ended with an epic and triumphant drum solo courtesy of Solaire, and the crowd cheered even louder. In the end, it was a great music festival for The Sunbros. They only won second place, though... Griggs' eight-year-old sister and her band, which was also comprised of eight-year-old girls, were pretty damn impressive. The Sunbros didn't mind, really. The experience itself, and the positive response from their girlfriends, their friends, and the audience in general was a reward on its own.

The Good Hunter smiled as he looked up at the night sky. The sacrifices were indeed worth it.


	2. Birds of a Feather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lady Maria has started hanging out with the gang, but still doesn't quite feel like she belongs. Solaire takes it upon himself to welcome her and become her friend.

"Um, everyone, you remember my cousin Maria, right?"

The gang turned their heads as the Doll gestured towards a woman, who appeared to be either her twin or her clone (albeit with slightly different facial features) as she entered the restaurant. Her silver hair was tied back in a simple ponytail, and she wore a well-made and expensive-looking crimson and grey leather racing jacket, along with branded jeans and equally expensive-looking boots. Clearly, this woman came from an opulent family. She almost looked out-of-place among the rest of the people in the restaurant. But the woman was no complete stranger. Most of the people in the group knew who she was, at least by name. A few of them briefly met her before. Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower, the Doll's "cousin". She had recently moved to the city for work-related reasons and had started temporarily living with the Hunter and the Doll.

"Yes, of course we remember!" Solaire was the first to speak up. "Hi Maria! How've you been doing?"

"Decent, I suppose," Maria answered. "It took a while adjusting to the city and I'm still looking for my own apartment, but I've been managing."

"Ah, good, good!" Solaire smiled. "Well, come now, have a seat!"

Saturday evening, Wakatsu Japanese restaurant. The gang had gotten together to celebrate the successful performance of the Hunter, Artorias, the Chosen Undead and Solaire's rock band the night before. Their band, "The Sunbros", had only won second place, but the prize money was still a sizable amount and Artorias suggested they use part of it for a big dinner. The group of friends sat at a very long table in a corner of the restaurant, where a partition gave them a bit of privacy and separated them from the other diners. There was already a large pot of miso soup and several plates of sushi and sashimi samplers on the plate.

Maria sat down next to the Doll. She seemed a bit uncomfortable having dinner with such a large group of people, but nevertheless smiled out of politeness and thanked her cousin for inviting her. The Doll smiled back, saying that it wasn't fair to leave her out of the celebration anyway.

"Yeah, we wouldn't have performed so well if it weren't for you, Maria," the Hunter remarked in a mostly sarcastic, but still somewhat sincere manner. Maria only raised a curious eyebrow at him, but understood what he meant well enough.

"Well, your band was good, I'll give you that," Maria said as she started slurping some miso soup. "So you were spared the fate of having Rakuyo shoved up your backside."

"Ehehehe... right..." the Hunter laughed nervously. "You... weren't seriously going to go through with that if we blew it, right? Right...?"

"At least she didn't set the park on fire..." the Chosen Undead muttered in a low voice. Rhea couldn't help but giggle.

"So, what did ya think of the effects, lady?" the Slayer of Demons called out from the other side of the table. "You gotta admit, the pyrotechnics and fog were preeeeeeeeetty coooooooool, right?"

"They were... unexpected, to say the least. But they were mediocre, like something a low-level Pyromancer would come up with," Maria said bluntly, without a hint of emotion in her voice. The Slayer of Demons didn't seem impressed with her response.

"Don't worry, the other 99% of the audience loved your pyrotechnics, dear," the Maiden in Black reassured him.

A few minutes later, the rest of the food arrived. Sukiyaki, sizzling steaks, grilled fish, regular and fried rice, various steamed and stir-fried vegetables, and deep-fried seafood (Garl gave the Slayer of Demons a warning look when the fried squid was served) soon joined the soup, sushi and sashimi. The group was already drooling and ready to start eating dinner.

"Um, where are Ciaran and Artorias?" Rhea asked, noticing that the two weren't at the table. "The steaks might get cold..."

"They're in the restroom, making a porno," the Maiden in Black whispered in her ear. "Do not worry, they should be done by now."

Rhea dropped her spoon on the floor and nearly fell backwards out of sheer mortification, but luckily the Chosen Undead caught her in time. He half-scolded the Maiden in Black, and then gave Rhea a kiss on the forehead, telling her not to think about it too much. The rest of the gang laughed; Rhea-chan was still their sweet, innocent little baby.

When Ciaran and Artorias finally arrived, the Abysswalker immediately started his attack on the sizzling steaks while Ciaran gulped down bowl after bowl of sukiyaki. The two seemed as if they were tired from some sort of... _strenuous physical activity_ and were starving as a result... Rhea let out a small squeal and buried her face in her hands as the Maiden in Black and the Emerald Herald snickered.

After a while, though, everybody had started eating, exchanging stories and jokes, and were generally being a merry group of friends. The Slayer of Demons and Bearer of the Curse were excitedly talking about their new part-time Ashen Estus Flask business venture, while the Maiden in Black and the Emerald Herald only responded with sarcastic remarks. After all, blue Estus Flasks made specifically for regenerating magic instead of health? Like THAT would catch on... Garl Vinland was also skeptical, but said he'd wait and see before judging his friends' decision. He then added that he knew both men were capable and hard-working and that should at least guarantee them some degree of success. Maiden Astraea couldn't help but tease him about how much his and the Slayer's relationship improved. Solaire then added that that was all for the best and he was happy to see everyone in the gang getting along, after which he decided to tell another grand story about his uncle Valtr. Even if some of them had already heard this story before or barely believed it, they listened intently anyway. The gang all genuinely enjoyed hanging out together, and after the string of events at the hotsprings, their bond had grown that much stronger.

Of course, this was something Maria noticed right away. Though everyone had been friendly towards her, she couldn't help but feel... different, somehow. She almost felt as if she were an outsider, an intruder, even. These people had known each other for a long time and were such great friends— they had similar interests and did various activities together. Maria, on the other hand, felt isolated, in no small part thanks to her background...

By the time the gang had finished dinner and were on their way back to their respective homes, plans for future outings were already being thrown around.

"Hey, we should all have a drink and do some karaoke sometime!" the Slayer of Demons suggested.

"Or have a movie marathon at our place!" the Bearer of the Curse added. The Emerald Herald gave him a sideways glare. "Uh, that is, if Shanalotte gives me permission..."

"I know, why don't we all watch as the Hunter plays _Undertale_ again?" Artorias joked.

"Please, don't make me go through an entire box of tissues again," the Chosen Undead said. "That game, man, that game..."

"And, and... Poor Asriel..." Rhea sniffed at the sad memory of the adorable white baby goat.

"Undyne totally rocks, though," Ciaran added. "But yeah, I guess Asriel's story is pretty tragic, too... Not that I... cried over him in secret or anything..."

The group laughed as they walked, reminiscing over that particular event. Maria stayed silent. She had absolutely no idea what these people were talking about or why they were being so emotional about it. Again, she felt like she had intruded, and that feeling didn't sit well with her. But even when the Doll asked her if something was wrong, she stubbornly shrugged it off and said she was just feeling a little tired. Maria walker slower than usual, purposely separating herself from the rest of the group. These all seemed like great people, and she was happy for them and their strong friendship... but Maria was used to being alone. She had always been that way, and it suited her just fine.

"Hey, why the long face?"

Maria was surprised to see Solaire walking alongside her. She hadn't expected him to stay behind and thought he was up ahead, at the front of the group. Why on earth was he back here, with her? The Sunlight Warrior simply smiled.

"I'm just... tired." Maria said bluntly.

"Ah yes, I'm tired from eating all that food, too!" Solaire said. "But it was absolutely DELICIOUS! Guess there's just something about Japanese food that sets it apart from other cuisines, eh? Don't you think so, too?"

"Well, it's supposed to be healthier and help you live longer," Maria replied, still bluntly.

Solaire was still smiling, and still walking alongside her. "Yes, that's true. Ah! If I remember correctly, the oldest living person on earth is a... a Japanese lady, correct? I believe she's over 120 years old now?"

"I've heard about that," Maria said.

"I've actually been learning Japanese for quite some time now," Solaire kept on talking, "It's... very challenging! Oh, but also very fun! _Kanji_ in particular, is very interesting since one character can mean multiple words!"

"Is that so," Maria said, secretly becoming irritated at being told something she already knew.

"You know, when I spell my name in _katakana_ ," Solaire continued, "It says, 'So-reh-ii-roo', which sounds a lot like 'sorairo', which also sounds like the title of one of my favorite Japanese songs, 'Sorairo Days'! My, isn't that a coincidence? Aha ha ha ha!"

"Fascinating," was all Maria could say. It was obvious Solaire was making an attempt to have friendly conversation with her, but frankly she really wasn't in the mood for it.

Still, Solaire persisted. He kept smiling and talking to Maria, even when her responses consisted of silent nods, short one-sentence answers, and "Mm-hmm". Eventually Maria reached the apartment building she now shared with the Hunter and the Doll, as well as Artorias and Ciaran. The two couples entered the building first, and she followed. As soon as she was about to shut the door behind her, though, she heard Solaire's voice one last time.

"Hey, I'm glad you joined us for dinner tonight, Maria. Well... Goodnight!"

"Goodnight," Maria replied out of courtesy.

She found the Hunter and the Doll in the living room, watching some wildlife documentaries before bed, as was their routine. She sat down on the couch next to them, and found herself letting out a deep sigh from some reason.

"Uh, you OK, Maria?" the Hunter asked.

"I'm fine," Maria said. "That friend of yours... Solaire, was it? Seems like the overly energetic type. He kept talking to me on the way back."

"Well, Solaire's just a very friendly guy," the Hunter replied, smiling. "He's awesome, really. Most kindhearted, supportive and optimistic guy I've ever met..."

"He is basically a giant teddy bear," the Doll chuckled.

"Well, I'm not overly fond of hyper-energetic, optimistic people," Maria said dryly. "They get on my nerves, and they're usually too immature and naïve, anyway. Not to mention obnoxious."

"Yikes, don't let Solaire hear you say that," the Hunter muttered. "It might hurt his feelings..."

"It seems Solaire wants to become friends with you," the Doll said. "You should give him a chance."

"Yeah, and besides..." the Hunter added, "Getting along with Solaire is the first step to getting along with everyone else in the gang! Next thing you know, you'll be 'one of us'..."

"Hmph," was all Maria could say. "I'm going to bed. You two enjoy your tigers—"

"Clouded leopards," the Hunter corrected her.

"Whatever," Maria huffed as she headed back to her own bedroom.

Maria got out of her clothes and changed into a tank top and shorts before slumping onto the bed. She sighed as she rested her head on the pillow. She wasn't going to lie to herself— she didn't enjoy this night much at all. The food was good, but even that wasn't enough to satisfy her. Being around such a tightly-knit group of friends who were genuinely content and happy around each other only served to remind her of how isolated and alone she felt. She cursed the Cainhurst clan, and her strict upbringing for this, but also knew there was nothing she could do about it. Maria didn't want to think on the matter too much anymore for the night. She closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

...

Maria woke up early the next morning, as per usual. The Hunter and the Doll were still asleep, it seemed. Maria stood up, picked up Rakuyo from the corner and sat back down on the bed. She took out her sword polishing kit from the bedside drawer and began to clean her beloved blade. The activity was monotonous, yet strangely calming. She had had this sword ever since she was a small girl. Of course, her family was against her learning swordsmanship, calling it "unladylike", but she persisted anyway. Maria had always been stubborn, and having Rakuyo and learning how to wield it, especially without resorting to the blood arts, it was her own small way of rebelling against her controlling family.

Once she was satisfied with the blades' sheen, Maria sheathed her sword and headed out into the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. She was slightly surprised to see that the Hunter and her cousin were already awake, and for a moment she wondered just how long she had spent polishing her sword. The Hunter was making coffee, and the smell of freshly ground beans filled the kitchen. Meanwhile, the Doll was making omelettes.

"Good morning, Maria," the Doll greeted her cousin. "Slept well?"

"Well enough, I suppose," Maria responded. "And good morning to you two as well. You're up remarkably early. Especially for a Sunday morning."

"We kinda have to do something today," the Hunter said. "Though I really don't wanna go... We have to spend the entire day watching oldies eat cabbage stew and diabetic-friendly cakes and attempt to murder each other over bingo..."

"What the Good Hunter means is, it's Eileen's birthday today," the Doll said. "She's 82! Djura is throwing a surprise party for her and he asked the Good Hunter and I to come. Maria, you should come, too! Wouldn't it be nice to see your old friends from the Hunter's Workshop again?"

"It would," Maria said, "... If they all hadn't aged rapidly while I was away at the Astral Clocktower. And Gehrman's probably there. I... don't want things to get awkward."

The Hunter tried to keep himself from laughing. He remembered Maria's reaction once she saw Eileen, Djura and Gehrman again. While she was upset that her former colleagues were now senior citizens, she was still glad to see Eileen and Djura. However, she did NOT take Gehrman's extreme aging, deteriorated sanity, and increased pervertedness very well...

"Maybe you can just give Eileen this gift on my behalf?" Maria said, holding a decorative curved dagger. "And tell her I apologize for not being able to come."

"I see. All right, then," the Doll nodded as she took the dagger from her cousin.

"So... Do YOU have any plans for today?" the Hunter asked. "Or are you just gonna stay at home all day?"

"Why?" Maria asked. "Why is it any of your concern?"

"Well, uh..." the Hunter said sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head, "The thing is, I got a text message last night, and, uh..."

"Solaire is asking if you'd like to hang out with him today," the Doll went ahead and told Maria what the Hunter was struggling to say. "Since you won't be joining us at Eileen's, then why don't you spend the day with him instead?"

"... Seriously?" Maria said flatly. "What, like a _date?_ "

"More like, just some friendly hanging out," the Hunter said.

"Tell him I decline the offer," Maria said bluntly.

"Oh come now, Maria," the Doll tried to change her mind, "It wouldn't hurt to go. Besides, you yourself said you have no plans for today, and Solaire is just being friendly. And who knows, you might just end up having fun."

"... Fine," Maria sighed. "But only because I have nothing better to do."

"Awesome, I'll let Solaire know right away," the Hunter grinned. "Anyway, coffee's done. Time for some breakfast, ladies!"

After breakfast, the Hunter and the Doll got dressed and headed for Eileen's surprise birthday party. Maria got dressed as well, and headed for the local mall, where she was to meet with Solaire. She wasn't really looking forward to it, but hey, it was a better alternative to seeing Gehrman and possibly risk accidentally setting Eileen's house on fire...

At the mall, Maria saw Solaire waiting outside a music store. He waved at her and smiled, saying he was glad she agreed to hang out with him. Maria gave him a small smile, if only out of politeness. They entered the store, and Solaire started looking around.

"So, what did you have in mind for today?" Maria asked. "Why the music store?"

"Ah, I wanted to see if this store already had the Van Halen Greatest Hits collection in stock," he said. "Oh, and I need to buy a new skin for my snare. It's just a quick errand. After that, we can go wherever you want!"

"Your snare?" Maria asked, "You mean, for your drums?"

"Um, yes," Solaire smiled sheepishly, "You don't mind, do you? Because I can just do that some other time if—"

"No, it's fine," Maria shook her head. "I watched your band play the other night. I must say, you were quite impressive. Jazz drums, no?"

"Y-yeah!" Solaire beamed. "You noticed?"

"Of course," Maria said. "Your playing style really stood out from the rest of the bands that played that night. And a rock cover of 'Caravan'? I certainly wasn't expecting that."

"Aha ha ha! I'm glad you liked it!" Solaire was flattered. "You seem to know a lot about music as well. Do you... play any instruments?"

"Classical piano," Maria said. "We had this huge antique grand piano back at Cainhurst Castle. I was only forced into learning it by my family, though. I haven't played in a long time."

"Ah, I see," Solaire said, but couldn't help casting a sideways glance at a piano in the corner of the store. "So... I don't suppose I'll be able to ask you to play something on that piano over there?

Maria gave the Sunlight Warrior a smirk. "If you play something on that drum kit over there, I might consider it."

Solaire smiled. He asked a nearby salesperson if he could try out the kit for a while, and was glad when the salesperson said that it wouldn't be a problem. He sat down and started playing a simple beat, only to immediately switch to a complex drum roll and a perfectly-synchronized series of cymbal hits. The salesperson was impressed, and soon, the other customers had gathered around to watch Solaire play.

"Showoff," Maria said, but with a hint of endearment in her voice. She sat down on the nearby piano and stretched her fingers. "All right, challenge accepted."

Maria put her fingers on the keys and began to play. Even if she hadn't played for a long time, she was still remarkably GOOD. Solaire noticed that the notes she was playing were familiar, though, and it didn't take long for him to realize that he too knew the song she was playing. Before long, the two found themselves playing the same song: a piano and drum cover of "He Who Craves Souls". Not wanting to be bested, Maria switched to playing "Queen of Drangleic" instead, only for Solaire to instantly adapt and set a beat for that song as well. Maria glanced behind her and saw that Solaire was giving her a grin. She grinned back, then switched to a piano rendition of "Nameless Song". Again, Solaire adapted his beats.

The two had barely noticed that a small crowd had gathered around them and were cheering. Some people had even brought their phones out and were talking videos of them. They were flattered but also a bit embarrassed, and stepped away from the instruments once the song was finished. The other customers and salespeople gave them a round of applause.

"I... think we got carried away there," Solaire said, blushing.

"I-it seems so," Maria agreed, a bit of red creeping into her cheeks as well. She immediately collected herself. "Don't forget why you came here, though. Didn't you have an album and snare skin to buy...?"

"Ah, right! Thanks for reminding me!" Solaire immediately headed over to the records, then drum accessories section, to buy what he came for. Even after paying for his items and exiting the store, the Sunlight Warrior was still blushing. Still, he couldn't help but admit that their "jam session" was enjoyable. To his surprise, Maria agreed. She hadn't expected to have anything in common with Solaire, was quite pleased to find out she did, and she genuinely had fun playing with him, too.

Things only went smoothly from there. The two had lunch at a Mexican restaurant (Maria's request) and went to the theater to see a sword-and-sandals epic... only to end up walking out because of how cliché and generic it was and how boring and two-dimensional the characters were. Still, they enjoyed making fun of it as they were exiting the cinema. By then it was getting late in the afternoon, and Solaire suggested going to the shoreside park. Of course, Maria had no idea what that even was, and Solaire had to explain that it was a park by the bay, and that there were several food stalls along the shore and one could sit on the park benches under the trees and watch the stingrays swim up to the surface of the water at the same time... Maria agreed that it sounded interesting, and the two made their way there, still continuing to converse along the way.

When they finally made it to the marine park, Solaire and Maria were met with an entertaining sight... Two police officers were apprehending a skinny, long-nosed bald man for setting up an illegal souvenir store at the park. Solaire recognized the man being arrested as Patches, and wasn't at all surprised to see that he had gotten into trouble again. Even as he begged the Sunlight Warrior to help him while the two police officers were dragging him away, Solaire could only smile and wish him good luck.

The sun had begun to set. Of course, Solaire had to do his ritual praising, which Maria found peculiar but otherwise didn't seem to mind. The two sat down on a park bench, eating corndogs as they watched stingrays swimming on the surface of the water and crows catching small fish.

"I've never experienced anything like this before," Maria couldn't help but say out loud, "being in a... a park, which is in a forest yet next to the sea at the same time... And I have a perfect view of the sunset as well."

"I know, right?" Solaire nodded. "I really like it here. It's a great place to praise the sun at all times of the day: sunrise, noon, sunset..."

"You really have a thing about praising the sun, don't you?" Maria teased.

"Why, of course!" Solaire answered proudly. "The sun is a wondrous body, like a magnificent father! If only I could be so grossly incandescent!"

At that point Maria couldn't help but laugh. Solaire was eccentric, sure, but in the course of a single day she had grown to like him immensely. Still, that didn't mean she was above making fun of him or teasing him.

"What, did you also think the sun was your father when you were growing up?"

Suddenly, Solaire grew quiet and the smile disappeared from his face. Maria immediately realized that she must have said something wrong, and tried to apologize.

"I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"You know, I've never really thought about it that way before," Solaire said, his tone becoming serious and contemplative. "But now that you mention it, you're probably right... Maria... I hope you don't mind me asking, but... What was your family like? When you were growing up?"

Maria was surprised at the question, but decided to answer honestly, "They were... distant. And controlling. All they ever cared about was 'upholding the clan' and 'serving the queen'. To be honest, I never really understood any of it. Or cared, for that matter. My parents always forced me to do things but I could never understand _why_ I had to do them. Never had much of a childhood because of that. I... I never had any friends growing up, either. The only people around me were the maids and butlers and they didn't make for much company... I ran away from home when I was sixteen with my savings. I pursued my education on my own, then joined the Hunter's Workshop. I suppose they were the closest thing I could call 'family', but then I got separated from them when I was sent to the Astral Clocktower... And now I barely even know them anymore."

"I... I see," Solaire said. "I guess... We're not that different, then. I ran away from home when I was a teenager as well. Or, more like, my father told me to leave and never come back. My father, Gwyn... he was the president of this big company called Anor Londo Industries. He was never around when I was growing up. Me and my two siblings were pretty much left to ourselves... BUT, I did have two people who took care of me; one was my uncle Valtr— he was a police officer, you see, and even though he was a bit... eccentric, he always inspired me to be a good person and to help others. The other... was my nanny. My father couldn't even remember when my birthday was, but Nanny always did. She would take me to the museum and we'd look at dinosaur skeletons... then she'd buy me ice cream after that. I'm lucky I can still keep in touch with her to this day, even if she moved back to her own country to be with her own family."

"At least you had her," Maria said, "And you have all your friends now. I doubt you ever get lonely nowadays. I mean, I have Evetta, but she has her own life now and I don't... really have any friends..."

"I can be your friend, Maria."

Maria was surprised at the Sunlight Warrior's declaration. She gave him a questioning look, as if to make sure he wasn't joking.

"I mean..." Solaire said, intimidated. "I-If you want me to, that is."

"Sure," Maria reassured him with a smile, "I'd like that."

She held out her hand, which Solaire shook eagerly. "There, now it's official."

"That it is..." Solaire kept smiling. "Well, it's starting to get dark. We should head back."

...

"Hey, watch where yer going! You got a lotta nerve bumpin' into me like dat, PUNK!"

"I-It was just an accident, and I apologize," Solaire said as the obviously drunk man continued to harass him. "Now, if you'll just let us pass, we won't bother you anymore."

"No one... No one bumps into ME an' gets away with it!"

It was already nighttime and Solaire was about to bring Maria back to her apartment building when the two had the misfortune of coming across an angry drunk. It appeared the man had just gotten kicked out of a pub, and was obviously trying to take out his anger on the two of them. The drunk was wearing what was clearly a Healing Church shawl on his shoulders, and even though most people considered this organization as a bunch of corrupt, hypocritical religious crackpots, the few members they still had were a very vocal and very annoying minority. This man was definitely vocal, that was for sure. His words barely made any sense, but he was so insistent in bullying poor Solaire that Maria gritted her teeth and regretted not having brought Rakuyo along...

"You leave him alone," she said, "We didn't do anything wrong. And if I recall members of the church shouldn't be out getting drunk, anyway."

"Keh..." the drunk Healing Church member spat, "You stay outta this! How DARE ya speak to me like dat?! Judging by the looks of ya... Yer a goddamn Cainhurst, aren't ya? Ya think you can waltz around and tell people what to do... Well, ya thought wrong! I'm gonna teach this little punk a lesson and yer not gonna do anythin' about it, CAINHURST BITCH!"

Maria was about to lunge at the drunk and punch him in the face, but Solaire blocked her. He gave the inebriated man a piercing glare.

"Apologize to her," Solaire said.

"Pfft, what?" the drunk man couldn't believe this man was actually standing up to him.

"I said, apologize to her," Solaire said again.

"Who do ya think YOU are, tellin' me what to do?" the man continued to mock him.

"I'm going to ask you one more time," Solaire said, his voice deepening. "Apologize to her. NOW."

"Get outta my way, ya sissy little—"

WHAK!

In a split second, the man had flown backwards a good twenty feet and crashed into a garbage can. His existing intoxication and the impact knocked the man out cold. Maria was absolutely stunned; Solaire just sent a man flying with a single punch... AND knocked him unconscious. She didn't think Solaire was capable of doing such a thing AT ALL. Still, the feat was impressive, and the fact that he did so for her sake quite flattered her. The Sunlight Warrior was indeed a warrior and a gentleman. Solaire saw the look of utter shock on Maria's face and grinned sheepishly.

"Aha ha ha ha..." he gave his trademark chuckle, "I'm sorry you had to witness such violence. Now... We should get you back home, before any more of these hooligans come crawling out of the woodwork."

The two reached Maria's apartment building not long after. As she stood at the entrance, Maria felt a sense of deja vu, but with a twist of irony. Just last night, here she stood at the door to her apartment building, with Solaire behind her wishing her goodnight. Last night, she was irritated by him and wished he would just leave her alone. Tonight, she had already considered him a good friend and had thoroughly enjoyed his company. How quickly things could change in 24 hours...

"Hey, I had fun today," Maria said. "We should hang out again sometime."

"S-Sure!" Solaire answered happily. "And... you'll join the gang the next time we go out together, too, right?"

"I will, don't worry," Maria nodded.

Without warning, she stepped forward and held Solaire close, wrapping her arms around him. For a second, Solaire was unsure if she was giving him a hug or was about to whip out Rakuyo and perform a riposte on him. But after several more seconds passed and he couldn't feel any blades in his chest, he breathed a sigh of relief. Solaire put his own arms around Maria, returning the hug.

Just as he thought there would be no more surprises for tonight, though, Maria leaned in closer and did something else completely unexpected. She gave him a kiss on the lips.

"M-Maria...?" Solaire asked. The poor knight was utterly confused, blushing heavily and frozen in place.

"You better have enjoyed that, Solaire," Maria teased, "Because that's the ONLY one I'm going to give you. EVER." 

She let out a playful laugh as she finally pulled back, walked away and entered her apartment building.

"Goodnight, Solaire."

"G-goodnight, Maria."

As soon as she disappeared inside the building, the Sunlight Warrior was still trying to comprehend what had just happened. But after a while, he decided to just shrug it off, satisfied that he had at least made a new friend today. As he made his way back to his own apartment, he smiled as he looked forward to hanging out with her again.

"Wow... That woman really is something."


	3. Couples Yoga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Shalquoir is fed up with the Emerald Herald and the Bearer of the Curse's constant bickering. She decides to sign them up for a special kind of therapy.

"Dear, get over here. The dishwasher isn't working again."

The Bearer of the Curse shot up from the couch, immediately got to his feet and headed to the kitchen, where the Emerald Herald's stern, commanding voice was coming from. The knight found her crouched down in front of the dishwasher, groaning. Shanalotte told the Bearer to take a look inside and see if he could find anything wrong with it. The Bearer of the Curse did as he was told, but looking inside the machine didn't do much good since he barely knew anything about repairing household appliances to begin with. Shanalotte kept groaning.

"Well, can you fix it or not?" the Emerald Herald asked sternly.

"I... I'm not sure..." the Bearer of the Curse answered honestly. "I... don't even know what's wrong with it?"

"Seriously?" Shanalotte sighed, "Aren't men supposed to be good at household repairs? Geez... If only you'd had this thing checked when I told you it was making weird noises last month, then we wouldn't be having this problem right now!"

"S-sorry, dear..." was all the Bearer of the Curse could say.

"You know what? YOU'RE doing the dishes for the next two weeks," the Emerald Herald kept on nagging. "MANUALLY. Since we don't have a freaking dishwasher anymore!"

"I-I'll call someone to fix it in the morning."

"In the morning? Can't you call someone NOW?"

"I-It's 10:30pm... I don't think there are any repairmen willing to do house calls at this hour..."

"UGH, SO IRRITATING!"

In the living room, Sweet Shalquoir gritted her teeth and pressed the headphones closer to her ears to drown out the noise coming from the kitchen. She was on the Bearer's laptop, on an online messaging program, and having a video chat with Alvina of Darkroot Garden. Shalquoir's conversation with her fellow feline had been going well and the two were eagerly catching up and exchanging stories... Until the dishwasher broke and the Emerald Herald wouldn't shut up about it. Shalquoir tried to ignore the two arguing humans, but their row (or rather, Shanalotte's nagging and the Bearer's pleading), just kept getting louder and louder. It seemed Alvina was able to hear the noise as well.

"Everything all right over there, Shalquoir?" Alvina asked.

"Ugh, the humans are at it again," Shalquoir rolled her eyes. "Honestly! Those two are always arguing over the smallest things... Well, maybe not 'arguing' and more like, the Emerald Herald is always bullying the Bearer of the Curse..."

"Still hasn't grown a backbone yet, has he?" Alvina snarked.

"Nope. And that backbone is loooooooong overdue," Shalquoir snarked back.

"Well, looks like you'll have to intervene, sweetie," Alvina said. "I just saw a frying pan fly behind you. Seems things have gotten worse."

"Oh, WHAT?!" Shalquoir turned around, and just as Alvina said, pots and pans were indeed flying and rolling from the kitchen. "I'm gonna have to call you back, dear—!"

The British Longhair swiftly jumped off the desk and ran towards the kitchen, where she could see the Bearer of the Curse huddled in a corner while Shanalotte, her face all scrunched up and burning red with frustration, angrily threw more kitchen utensils onto the floor. She wasn't intentionally throwing them at the Bearer, but she was just so angry she could care less who or what got hit.

"Useless, useless, USELESS!!!" Shanalotte yelled. "You never do ANYTHING right! UGH!"

"I'm s-sorry, dear!!!" the Bearer of the Curse pleaded. "Please, just CALM DOWN!"

"ENOUGH, YOU TWO!!! YOU _BOTH_ STOP IT, RIGHT NOW!!!"

The two humans were surprised to see a very angry Shalquoir hissing at them. Her back was arched and her hairs were on end, and it seemed as if she was ready to claw the flesh off both of their faces at any moment. Once Shalquoir had calmed down a little, she proceeded to call out her owners for their unbecoming behavior.

"Can't you two just GET ALONG?" Shalquoir sighed. "Really, what _happened_ to you two? Shanalotte, you're always angry and complaining about things and then there's the nonstop NAG, NAG, NAGGING! And you, Brendan! Good grief, when are you ever going to stand up for yourself?! How can you just let yourself be bullied all the time? Can't you two see how _toxic_ this relationship of yours has gotten?!"

"H-Hey, it wasn't my fault!" Shanalotte tried to defend herself, "I told him there was something wrong with the dishwasher—"

"This isn't about the damn dishwasher, woman!" Shalquoir snapped. "Don't you two realize that _I_ am the one who constantly has to suffer because of your marital issues?! This has gone too far! I didn't want to resort to this, but you've forced my hand!"

"S-Shalquoir, what are you talking about?" the Bearer of the Curse asked hesitantly.

"I've... signed you up for something," Shalquoir smirked deviously as she rubbed her front paws together.

"You... You didn't sign us up for marriage counseling, did you?" Shanalotte asked nervously as well once she could tell Shalquoir wasn't bluffing.

"Pfft, marriage counseling?" Shalquoir huffed. "No darling, you're too far gone for that. I signed you up for something even more effective..." She narrowed her eyes into tiny slits and deepened her voice in order to sound more intimidating.

"COUPLES YOGA."

For a few moments, the couple was completely silent. Shalquoir continued to give the two humans that signature devious smirk of hers.

"... What the heck is couples yoga?" Shanalotte finally asked, more confused than anything. "And just how is that supposed to help solve our problems, Shalquoir?"

"Oh, you'll see. You'll see..." Shalquoir said confidently as her voice took on a sinister tone. The feisty feline cackled to herself as she walked back towards the living room, leaving the couple utterly confused and not knowing what to expect.

...

Come Saturday morning, Shalquoir took the Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald to a place called "White Infinity Wellness Studio", a couple of blocks away from their apartment. The couple honestly didn't want to go, but were forced into it once they learned Shalquoir actually got hold of their money in order to book the class and it was non-refundable. To add to their surprise, the two found that they weren't the only ones who were roped into the class without their knowledge.

"Hey, Bearer of the Curse, Emerald Herald, what's going on?"

The couple was surprised to see the Chosen Undead and Rhea of Thorolund standing outside the studio as well. Naturally, they asked what the two were doing there.

"Uh, we both received a text message from you last night," the Chosen Undead said, taking out his phone. "Meet us at White Infinity Wellness Studio tomorrow at 9am. Here's the address. It's very important. P.S. Wear exercise garb."

"B-but I didn't send that...!" the Bearer of the Curse said, and immediately the four people turned around and saw Shalquoir whistling nonchalantly. The humans' glares didn't even faze her and she merely gave them a smug, toothy grin.

"What? It was way cheaper to book a group session than a private one," Shalquoir reasoned.

"Who _else_ did you invite?" Shanalotte asked.

As soon as she said that, the Slayer of Demons, the Maiden in Black, Garl Vinland and Maiden Astraea all arrived, also wearing workout attire and wondering why they received that message. Before either the Bearer of the Curse or the Emerald Herald could explain what happened, though, the Hunter, the Doll, Artorias and Ciaran showed up as well.

"SHALQUOIR!" Shanalotte snapped, "You signed up the entire gang for this class?!"

"I told you, a group session was cheaper," Shalquoir smirked. "Oh, seems not everybody is here yet."

"What do you mean? These are all the couples in the group—" the Bearer of the Curse was about to say, but was cut off.

"Sorry we're late!"

The Bearer of the Curse was surprised when he saw that Solaire of Astora had come as well. He was even more surprised to see that he came with... Lady Maria, of all people. In fact, the entire group was shocked, except for the Hunter and the Doll, who were looking at each other with large grins on their faces. Before anybody could ask any questions, though, Shalquoir announced that the session was ready to begin now that there were enough people.

"Well, this should be fun, hmm?" Shalquoir chuckled. "All right, darlings, follow me."

The feline proudly walked into the yoga studio first, followed by the reluctant group of attendees. They were unknowingly signed up for this class and in fact, they could actually have left anytime they wanted. Still, they decided to stick around and go through with the activity for Shanalotte and the Bearer's sake. Once inside the studio, they were greeted by their two instructors, who were, appropriately enough, also a couple.

"Hi there! I'm Yuko and this is Kaz," the perky female instructor introduced herself. "Oh my, it looks like we have a full class today! Well, let's start with some stretching and warm-ups! Everybody, bend over and touch your toes!"

"This is gonna be awful, I can already feel it..." the Bearer of the Curse muttered to himself.

The warm-up portion was already quite a sight to see. There's just something about fourteen full-grown men and women struggling to touch their toes or raise their legs that was just inherently entertaining to watch. Shanalotte got a cramp and ordered the Bearer of the Curse to massage her leg. The Slayer of Demons screamed when he bent his waist too far and felt a sharp pain in his back and the rest of the gang cringed when they heard a cracking sound. The Maiden in Black had to kick his lower back to bring him back to normal. Disturbingly, he actually seemed to enjoy it when the Maiden kicked him... Meanwhile, Garl kept accidentally hitting people with his long ponytail every time he moved. Rhea was so hilariously inflexible that she squealed and moaned at the slightest movement and was blushing terribly. Artorias hit his head on the ceiling while doing jumping jacks and nearly fell on Ciaran. He nearly received a punch in return, too. The Hunter didn't have too much trouble with most of the exercises but just looked plain awkward doing them. Surprisingly enough, Solaire and Maria were doing quite well and their movements were perfectly synchronized.

"OK everyone, that'll do for the warm-ups!" Kaz announced. "Now, Yuko and I will demonstrate the first position."

The room was filled with silence as Yuko assumed a push-up position on the floor and Kaz laid down on her back, his legs raised in the air. Yuko then started doing push-ups while he was still on her back. A very audible, and very nervous gulp was heard from the group.

"Don't you even think about falling on me," Shanalotte said as the Bearer of the Curse got onto her back. She grunted at his weight. "Brendan! Christ! Lay off on the burgers!"

"S-sorry dear..." the Bearer said.

"Stop saying that!" Shanalotte snapped as she tried to support the Bearer's weight on her back. "And I'm putting you on another smoothie diet after this!"

"Dearest Astraea, perhaps we should switch roles?" Garl asked nervously as Astraea crouched on the floor. He wasn't sure if her delicate frame could support his weight, let alone do push-ups. "I... I can't bear to think that I might hurt you...!"

"I'll be fine, Garl," Astraea said, but not without hesitation. "I-I can handle this, really!"

Right next to them, Rhea and the Chosen Undead were having the same dilemma.

"Rhea-chan... Are you absolutely sure you can do this?" the Chosen Undead asked his girlfriend worriedly. He was even more worried for her than Garl was for Astraea, simply because of the fact that Rhea was... well, Rhea.

"Kyaaaaa, I don't know if I can do this...!" Rhea squealed. "If I'd have known we were doing this, I would've cast a miracle for extra strength!"

"I thought... we were signed up... for a yoga class... not CrossFit!" the Maiden in Black said in between heavy breaths as she struggled to support the Slayer of Demons on her back.

"Hey, it's not that bad," the Hunter, who was snug and secure on the taller Doll's back, said. The Doll didn't say anything, but playfully shook her head as she did her push-ups.

"I must admit, this is rather cozy!" Solaire said with a smile. He too was snug and secure on Maria's back.

"I'm just glad we both didn't have Mexican today," Maria said as she continued doing her push-ups.

"... This isn't going to work," Ciaran said, refusing to even get down on the floor. "You do realize Arty is gonna crush me flat if we even ATTEMPT to do that, right?!"

"Maybe it'll work if I curl up into a ball?" Artorias asked.

"Fat chance!" Ciaran said. "I might as well carry Gough on my back!"

"Can the Hornet Ring not help thee?" Artorias asked again.

"Oh come on, Arty! That's not how the Hornet Ring works! You're thinking of Havel's Ring!" Ciaran rolled her eyes. "Ugh, I can't do this right now. I'm gonna go to the restroom."

"... Me too!" Artorias said as he hurriedly followed Ciaran out the studio.

The rest of the gang barely reacted. No doubt the two were just looking for an excuse to ditch the class and likely engage in a workout of their own. Right now, they just wanted the first yoga position to be over with. Especially the women (save for Maria and the Doll), who wanted to get through it without being crushed to death by their boyfriends. Every push-up caused them to make the most dreadful— or alternatively, the most hilarious sounds. Ever wondered what a walrus giving birth sounded like? Or the sound of a humpback whale's dying breath as it lies on a hot beach?

Kaz and Yuko just exchanged awkward glances and decided to spare these poor souls and move on to the next position.

"OK, next are Supported Handstand Tocks!" Yuko said as Kaz laid down on the floor with his legs curled up in the air. She sat on his feet and he raised her up into the air, after which she bent her spine back and did a reverse cartwheel, eventually ending in a handstand. Then she turned around while still doing a handstand, sat on his feet again, and did another reverse cartwheel back to her starting point. Another nervous gulp was heard from the group. A comically pathetic, high-pitched wheezing sound was also heard, but nobody knew exactly who made it.

"Here we go!" the Slayer of Demons said as he attempted to do the movement with the Maiden in Black. He was able to raise her up in the air, but keeping her up was another matter entirely.

"BE CAREFUL! Thou art going to drop me!" the Maiden in Black panicked. "Keep me balanced!"

"I'm t-t-trying!" the Slayer struggled as his legs started to burn.

"I told thee not to skip leg day— Aaaaaaaahhh!!!" the Maiden in Black couldn't fight gravity anymore and came crashing down on the Slayer of Demons, causing him to throw his back out again.

"OW MY BACK! MY BAAAAAAAAACK!!! SWEET MOON GRASS OF OSTRAVA!!!"

Beside them were Garl and Astraea, who were absolutely horrified to try the movement out now. Kaz reassured them that it would be fine as long as they kept their balance, but the sight of Yuko giving the Slayer and the Maiden first aid as he was saying that didn't really help matters...

"MY BACK!!! OH GOD IT HURTS!!!" the Slayer of Demons kept screaming.

"C-Calm down, Slayer!" Garl was beginning to panic. "Stop moving! Just let the instructor perform first aid on you!"

"BUT IT HURTS, GARL!!! IT HURTS LIKE CHILDBIRTH!!!"

"HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?!"

"Oh, trust me, he knows," the Maiden in Black said, "We... have a machine for that at home..."

Garl didn't say anything, but his face had a look of sheer horror etched onto it and it looked like he was gonna faint any moment now. Luckily Astraea managed to calm _him_ down as well, while Yuko was finally able to perform first aid on the Slayer of Demons. As an extra precaution, Astraea volunteered to cast a healing miracle on him so he would remain injury-free for the rest of the class. Both the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black thanked her immensely, and Garl breathed a sigh of relief.

Eventually, Garl and Astraea decided to give the yoga position a go, but did so as slowly and as carefully as they possibly could. In fact, ALL of the other couples performed the movement as slowly and as carefully as possible. They may have looked awkward doing it, but at least they managed to do the position without hurting themselves. The Bearer of the Curse, driven by the Emerald Herald's threats, mustered all his strength to keep her steady in the air. The Chosen Undead had a firm grip on Rhea the entire time, while Rhea closed her eyes and made a silent prayer to Allfather Lloyd that her boyfriend wouldn't drop her. The Hunter also secretly used his Great One powers to levitate the Doll; luckily, the instructors didn't notice. Solaire and Maria, however, managed to perform the movement without any problems. The instructors decided to move on to the next position.

"This next one is called the Down Dog Assist," Kaz said as he began the demonstration for the next position. He kneeled down, leaned forward until his face was almost touching the floor, and extended his hands, Yuko climbed onto his back and assumed a similar position, then interlaced her fingers with his. This time, a sigh of relief was heard.

"Well, at least it's the men on the bottom this time..." Astraea said as she climbed onto Garl's back. "Hmm, it's quite cozy up here..."

"I-I must admit, this does feel r-really intimate..." Rhea said, her face turning red as she leaned forward and interlaced her fingers with the Chosen Undead.

"Intimate for you. I'm intimate with the floor right now," the Chosen Undead joked.

"Huh, too bad Arty and Ciaran aren't here," the Hunter said, "This position would actually be pretty easy for them."

"Indeed," the Doll nodded. "But right now they are too busy doing things which are far too explicit to describe in this chapter."

The Hunter snickered. He turned to his left. "So, how're you holding up, Solaire?"

"Oh, jolly good!" Solaire smiled. "I must say, this actually feels somewhat comfortable!"

"Don't get too comfortable now," Maria teased. "We still have some more positions to go through." The Hunter and the Doll grinned once more as they watched the two.

All of the attendees were able to do the position well enough. Even Shanalotte and the Bearer of the Curse managed just fine for this one and with minimal bickering, too. Yuko and Kaz then agreed they could move on to the next position.

The two instructors sat down on the floor, facing each other. Yuko stretched backwards until her back was flat on the floor, while Kaz slowly helped raised her back up with his hands. Once she was in a sitting position again, she leaned forward, and the couple kissed.

"Ooh, kinky!" the Slayer of Demons said excitedly. "Me gusta..."

"Now this position, I definitely like..." the Maiden in Black agreed. "It's familiar territory, isn't it, dear? Now... _Touch the demon inside me..._ "

"You bet I will! Rawr!" the Slayer said as he raised the Maiden back up and started kissing her passionately... A little too passionately, in fact. The two instructors had to look away until they were done.

"M-Must we really engage in such an indecent public display of affection?!" Garl protested, blushing.

"Oh come on, Garl, it doesn't look so bad..." Astraea said suggestively. "Just think we're at home, and it shouldn't be a problem."

"D-Dearest Astraea?!"

Meanwhile, Rhea and the Chosen Undead were both blushing heavily. The Chosen Undead was so nervous he almost appeared to be _stopping_ Rhea from getting up. By the time their faces met Rhea's face was burning red and she was trembling. Their lips barely touched and already they pulled back from each other. The two may have been sickeningly sweethearts, but they preferred to keep overly sexy kisses like this a private matter...

The Hunter and the Doll, on the other hand, had actually started doing the position seriously and correctly. The movement was slow and sensual, and both were anticipating the sexy kiss... And then the couple suddenly remembered that the Doll was a head taller than the Hunter and he ended up kissing her throat, tickling her. Then they just burst out laughing.

As for the Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald...

"Raise me slower!" Shanalotte commanded. "No no, that's too slow! OK, now you're going too fast! You're completely missing the rhythm!"

"Do you want me to put you down again?" the Bearer of the Curse asked. He turned to the instructors, "Uh... Should I put her down again?"

"Uh..." Kaz tried to say something, but was interrupted.

"Geez!" Shanalotte said as she laid back down on the floor, not even waiting for the instructors' response. "There. Now do it properly this time!"

"Y-yes, Shanalotte..." the Bearer sighed.

"OK, now move in for the ki— Eww, you have a piece of bread in your beard!"

"I do? Whoops! Sorry about that!"

"Dammit, now we have to start over AGAIN!"

"S-sorry, dear..."

"Stop saying that! Geez!"

Kaz and Yuko exchanged awkward glances. They decided to let the problematic pair be for a while as they walked around the studio to observe the others. The two instructors stopped in front of Solaire and Maria just as Maria had laid down on the floor. Solaire gently placed his hands on her waist, caressing her sides as he slowly raised her back up.

"Oh wow, great work, you two!" Yuko remarked enthusiastically. "You seem very intimate with each other. How long have you been a couple?"

The two suddenly stopped. They awkwardly looked at each other, then at the instructors.

"We... actually _aren't_ a couple," Maria answered straightforwardly. "We just got signed up for this class without our knowledge and decided to go through with it because we had nothing better to do."

"O-Oh, I see..." Yuko said, somewhat surprised. She glanced back at Shalquoir and gave her a questioning look, but the cat simply responded with another smug grin. Yuko turned her attention back to Solaire and Maria. "Um... You two can skip the kiss if you want. Or maybe you can just touch noses?"

"No, it's fine. The kiss won't be an issue," Maria said bluntly.

"M-Maria?!" Solaire was shocked at what she had just said. "W-We'll just do the nose-touching, thanks!" Maria smirked. Oh, how she enjoyed trolling Solaire...

Still, the pair managed to perform the movement perfectly. Again.

"Wow," Kaz couldn't help but say, "Those two aren't even a couple and they're doing so well at this class! Maybe the rest of you could learn a thing or two from them—"

He immediately stopped when he was met with several piercing glares, Shanalotte's being the worst of them. He awkwardly scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously.

"OK guys, that was great!" Yuko announced as she clapped her hands. "Now, we're gonna take a 15-minute break. After that, we'll get into the REALLY intimate positions..."

...

"H-Hey, Shanalotte, can I talk to you for a minute?"

The Bearer of the Curse approached the Emerald Herald as she was buying some iced coffee from a vending machine. She gave him a weird look, then nodded.

"I'm your wife. You can talk to me anytime," she said dryly.

"R-Right," the Bearer of the Curse nodded. "So, uh... I just wanted to ask how you're finding the class?"

"I'm not thrilled about it at all," Shanalotte sighed. "But it's non-refundable, so we have no choice but to finish it. Still a few more hours to go..."

"Y-Yeah... Artorias and Ciaran had the right idea to ditch the class," the Bearer said. "Are they, uh... Still in the restroom, doing, uh... you know?"

"Don't know, and I don't wanna find out," the Emerald Herald said as she sipped her drink. "The other women have been avoiding the restroom as well. But you're right, those two are lucky they were able to skip the class. The yoga positions... Gods, I can already tell I'll be sore tomorrow."

"S-sorry if I'm not doing the positions right," the Bearer suddenly found himself apologizing again. "Like you said, I never do anything right..."

"H-Hey," Shanalotte turned around and faced her husband. She sighed. "About those things I said the other night... I didn't really mean them. I was just... frustrated. And the dishwasher really wasn't such a big deal, too."

"Shanalotte?"

"Look, I don't hate you," Shanalotte continued, "Don't think that I do. To be honest... I'm... I'm glad that you still stay with me despite how messed up our relationship is."

The Bearer of the Curse was stunned. This was the first time the Emerald Herald had openly acknowledged their dysfunctional marriage, and also the first time she admitted that she didn't really hate him or thought he was useless. The Bearer didn't know what to make of this at first, but eventually he realized this was as good a time as any to address the root of the problem. He took a deep breath as he prepared himself to ask Shanalotte that important question.

"What happened to us? How did we end up like this?"

The Emerald Herald hesitated. She was surprised that the Bearer of the Curse wanted to have this conversation NOW of all times, but nevertheless understood that it was for the best. She took a sip of her iced coffee and answered honestly, but without the usual venom.

"I guess... I still haven't gotten over what happened back then," Shanalotte said, "When you walked away from the Throne of Want shortly after we got married. You knew what I was going through at that time. For you to throw away potential wealth and security for our future... I dunno, I guess I felt... betrayed."

"Shan..." the Bearer of the Curse said, "I... I had no idea..."

"And then... you became distant," the Emerald Herald continued. "You were spending more time with Lord Aldia at work. It was like I was all alone again and I got... frustrated. And... angry. I felt like you were never there and that you... didn't care about me anymore... So I shut you out. I was being selfish and treated you like crap even though I knew, deep down, that none of this was really your fault and that you were working hard for the both of us..."

"And now..." the Bearer continued Shanalotte's sentence for her, "Now I'm a pathetic wuss who keeps making mistakes and apologizes all the time. And that just annoys you even more, right? Honestly, _I'm_ surprised that you still stay with me... And... I'm thankful for that. I'm glad I still have you despite everything."

The Emerald Herald was surprised to hear this. The tone of his voice said it all. It was only then that she realized just how much of a selfish bitch she must've been all these years. She wanted to say something, anything, to let her husband know that she didn't mean to hurt him. But she couldn't even look him in the eye now.

"Hey," the Bearer of the Curse spoke up again after a few seconds of silence, "I'm glad you were honest with me, Shanalotte. I know I'm not the perfect husband, but... I want to fix things. I really do. It'll take a lot of time, but I still want this to work, you know?"

"Bren..." was all Shanalotte could say.

The Bearer smiled. "So... Why don't we start with this yoga class, hmm?"

Shanalotte smiled. "Now THAT sounds more like the Bearer of the Curse I know. All right, let's do our best. Shalquoir already spent our money on this shit, anyway."

The two shared a laugh— a genuine one that they hadn't had in a long time. The Bearer of the Curse extended his arms and the Emerald Herald went in for the hug. She had forgotten how warm and comforting it felt. Despite everthing, the two still cared for each other. They looked at each other for a while after parting from the hug, then headed back towards the studio. From a distance, perched on top of a locker, Shalquoir watched the couple. She breathed a sigh of relief, and smiled as she shook her head.

"Well, it took them long enough..."

...

Back inside the yoga studio, the two instructors were stunned. The Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald had gotten their game on. They still weren't doing as well as Solaire and Maria of course, but they were obviously putting much more effort into the yoga positions this time around. And since the Bearer and Shanalotte were taking the class seriously, the rest of the gang did the same. Somehow, something just... clicked. The instructors were quite pleased.

As Yuko said, the next batch of positions really were more intimate, and she and Kaz were happy to see that all the couples were actually getting into it. Honestly, their movements were still pretty clunky, a lot of them still looked awkward doing the positions and every now and then someone would still get a cramp or sprain, but there was at least SOME improvement. The Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black were especially fond of the new yoga positions, but luckily they weren't like Artorias and Ciaran and avoided making a porno in the class. Garl finally stopped being such a stiff and allowed himself to enjoy performing the movements with Astraea. Rhea and the Chosen Undead... were still blushing terribly and still looked like glowing red tomatoes. But they were also putting more effort into the class. The Hunter and the Doll had stopped laughing and were doing the positions seriously, too. Solaire and Maria were doing even better than before, but that was to be expected of the two, anyway.

It was around two in the afternoon when the class finally finished. Everyone was exhausted, but managed to complete the class. Yuko and Kaz congratulated them.

Outside the studio, it seemed the couples had in fact gotten closer and learned to appreciate each other more. Who wouldn't, after going through all those arm-twisting, back-breaking positions? And they could spend the next day recovering from the pain together, too!

Ciaran and Artorias joined the group shortly after. The two were sweaty and exhausted as well...

"H-Hey guys!" Artorias ran over to the gang. "How was the yoga class? I apologize that Ciaran and I were unable to attend with the rest of thee. You see, we, uh..."

"We found a CrossFit gym next door," Ciaran cut in. "That's why we're so tired."

"CrossFit gym, riiiiiiiiight..." the Hunter muttered to himself.

"What we were doing in there could pretty much be classified as CrossFit, anyway," the Maiden in Black said dryly.

"Well, don't you all look like a bunch of preschoolers after a long day at the playground?" Shalquoir snarked as she emerged from the studio and approached the gang. "Whew! Might want to hit the showers, hmm, darlings?"

"Very funny, Shalquoir..." Shanalotte said with a smirk.

"Still, we should thank you," the Bearer of the Curse bent down to pet his cat, "You were right. Having Shanalotte and I attend this class together did help a little."

"Yeah..." Shanalotte bent down and began petting Shalquoir as well. "So... How'd you do it? How'd you know this class would be effective?"

At that point, the feline purred and gave her owners a wide, mischievous grin.

"Oh, I didn't. Actually, I just wanted to see you suffer." :3


	4. Undersouls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Chosen Undead is staying at home, sick. One night, he heads to his kitchen and finds two unexpected guests, and realizes he just got signed up for an adventure filled with determination...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special crossover chapter. Best enjoyed while listening to the Undertale soundtrack. :D

"HA... HA... HAAAAAAAA-CHOOOOOOOO!!!"

The Chosen Undead blew his nose; he had emptied yet another box of tissues. He was coughing and sneezing every few seconds. He shivered as he pulled the covers over his head. The young man was already wearing a thick sweater along with winter tracksuit pants and thick socks, and he also had a scarf around his neck. On his forehead was a fever patch which was rapidly losing its effect because of how high his temperature was. The Chosen Undead looked at the window near his bed and could see that it was still snowing outside. He groaned. He hated being sick, and the weather outside just made things worse.

"Hello, Cousin Astraea?" Rhea was on the phone in the hallway. "H-hi, I'm calling to let you know that I won't be able to make it tonight. Yes, Marcus-kun is still sick. No, it's not that bad; he doesn't have to go to the hospital. But I've been staying over at his place for the past few days... I've been giving him his medicine and casting some healing miracles so he'll get better faster... Y-yes, I hope so too. Thank you for your concern..."

Rhea went back to the Chosen Undead's bedroom to check on him. She frowned as she took his temperature and replaced his fever patch. She didn't like seeing him like this at all.

"R-Rhea-chan..." the Chosen Undead struggled to say, his throat terribly sore, "Y-you don't have to stay... I don't want you to get sick, too..."

"Indeed, I don't _have_ to stay..." Rhea smiled, "But I WANT to. Who else is going to take care of you? I really hope you get better soon, honey..." She began stroking his hair. The Chosen Undead always loved it when she did that.

"Th-thanks, sweetie..." the Chosen Undead managed a weak smile.

"Your voice sounds awful," Rhea said. "I'll go see if there's still some ginger tea left in the kitchen, OK? I'll be right back."

The Chosen Undead pulled the covers over his head again, desperately trying to keep himself warm. He could hear Rhea opening drawers and cupboards in the kitchen. It sounded like there wasn't any ginger tea left after all... After a while, the young man heard the doorbell ring. He heard Rhea open the door, and recognized the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black's voices. He couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but the two didn't stay too long, anyway. Rhea returned to the bedroom not long after; she was holding some flowers, a "Get Well Soon" card, and what looked like a blue Estus Flask in her hands.

"The Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black quickly dropped by," Rhea said as she put the flowers and card on the bedside table. "Um... They gave me this. The Slayer of Demons said it would help you recover. I think it's... one of those 'Ashen Estus Flasks' from his new business venture."

"B-but I don't need to cast any sorceries right now..." the Chosen Undead tried to joke, but his voice was just terrible and he ended up coughing. Rhea winced and frowned again.

"Um..." Rhea held up the Ashen Estus Flask so the Chosen Undead could see it better, "The Slayer of Demons said this works well as medicine, too. At the very least, it should help with your cough. D-do you want to try it?"

Rhea seemed hesitant and unsure of how effective the Ashen Estus was, but the Chosen Undead still agreed to try it. Desperate times called for desperate measures, after all... Rhea poured some of the liquid into a glass and gave it to her boyfriend to drink. The Chosen Undead was pleased that it didn't taste odd or awful at all— it actually tasted like minty lemonade, similar to how regular Estus tasted like orange juice. The liquid also felt soothing on his throat, and he smiled and gave Rhea a thumbs up as he continued to drink it. Rhea breathed a sigh of relief.

"H-how's my voice?" the Chosen Undead asked onced he'd finished drinking the Ash Estus.

"A little better," Rhea said with a smile. She looked at the window near the bed and realized it was almost nighttime. "Oh...! It's getting dark out. I should get us some dinner. D-do you mind if I go out for a bit?"

"It's fine," the Chosen Undead said, then yawned. "I... think I'll take a quick nap... B-be careful out there, OK? It's still snowing pretty hard..."

"I'll be back as soon as possible," Rhea reassured him as she put on her coat. She bent over and gave the Chosen Undead a kiss on the cheek. "I'll wake you up when dinner's ready, OK, sweetie?"

The young man nodded. As soon as Rhea left he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

...

By the time the Chosen Undead had woken up, it was already late at night. The bedroom was very dark, and the young man struggled to read the time on the small clock on his bedside table. 9pm... Why were all the lights off? Had Rhea not come back yet? The Chosen Undead was starting to worry. He got out of bed and was surprised to see that he had the strength to stand and walk again. It also appeared as if his fever was gone... That Ashen Estus must've actually been effective, then!

But the Chosen Undead didn't have time to think too much about that. He was worried about Rhea. Why hadn't she returned? The young man left his bedroom and began walking around the apartment.

"Rhea? Rhea-chan? Honey, are you here?" he called out.

Suddenly, the young man saw a faint light coming from the kitchen. He stiffened. The Chosen Undead crouched down and moved as quietly as possible. He grabbed an umbrella and held it like a weapon in case he needed to defend himself. He slowly tiptoed towards the kitchen, and realized that the light was coming from the refrigerator. Someone had opened it... He definitely wasn't alone in his apartment...

The young man's heart was racing. He could hear someone in the kitchen. Someone was in his home, all right. And that someone was... cutting vegetables? Opening cans? Boiling water? It sure sounded like it... Was it Rhea, cooking dinner? No, it was much too late for that, and besides, WHY would she cook in complete darkness? The movements sounded clunky and heavy, too, so it definitely wasn't Rhea. Did someone seriously break into his apartment... just so they could cook?! The idea was positively absurd. The Chosen Undead needed to see what was going on for himself. But just as he was about to enter the kitchen, he felt a bony hand on his shoulder and almost had a heart attack.

"hey. whatcha gonna do with that umbrella, buddy?"

"YEEEAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!!!"

The young man jumped in surprise and instinctively whacked his "attacker" on the head with his umbrella several times. The figure barely reacted, and only seemed mildly annoyed at being hit. The Chosen Undead backed away slowly and tried collect himself. He managed to find the light switch and turned it on so he could see just who exactly had broken into his apartment.

To add to his shock, the Chosen Undead saw that the intruder... or more accurately, _intruders_ , weren't human at all. In fact... they were two SKELETONS. One was tall and lanky, wearing a red scarf over a metal cuirass that was way too big for him, along with red gloves, what appeared to be a... leather speedo... and big winter boots. He was standing by the counter, where the Chosen Undead could see he was indeed cooking. Spaghetti, it seemed. The other skeleton, the one who surprised him and was hit with the umbrella in return, was short and somewhat chubby. He was wearing a blue fur-trimmed hooded jacket, brown denim shorts, and pink Crocs. The shorter skeleton flashed the Chosen Undead a grin.

"oh. sorry we entered your apartment without asking. there was a snowstorm outside and my brother was hungry. we'll pay you back for the ingredients he used, ok?"

"OH, DON'T WORRY! I MADE MORE THAN ENOUGH SPAGHETTI SO YOU CAN HAVE SOME, TOO!" the taller skeleton added.

The Chosen Undead rubbed his eyes and pinched his arm to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He... He KNEW these skeletons! But how... and WHY where they here, in his apartment?!

"Y-you two are..." the Chosen Undead finally spoke up, "Sans and Papyrus...!"

"H-HEY!" the taller skeleton said enthusiastically, "HE KNOWS WHO WE ARE, SANS! I TOLD YOU I WAS POPULAR ON THE INTERNET!!!"

"huh. whaddya know," the skeleton named Sans shrugged and chuckled.

"W-what are you two doing here...?" the Chosen Undead asked again. "A-and... HOW did you end up here in the first place? You guys are video game characters! You're not real!"

"hey, hey, hey," Sans said. "that hurts, man. and technically, _you're_ a video game character too, you know..."

Sans could see that the Chosen Undead was still confused. He helped him sit down at the table while Papyrus put a plate of freshly cooked spaghetti in front of him. The young man ate some to be polite— he already had some idea of Papyrus's cooking skills and didn't want to make himself even more sick. But much to his surprise, the spaghetti was actually quite good! He smiled and ate some more.

"OH, YOU LIKE IT!" Papyrus giddily clasped his bony hands together. "I'VE BEEN TAKING MORE COOKING LESSONS! DON'T TELL ANYBODY THIS, BUT... THE CHEFS ON THE SURFACE ARE A LOT BETTER AT COOKING THAN UNDYNE IS!"

Papyrus soon joined the Chosen Undead in eating the spaghetti he'd cooked, while Sans simply sat there and watched the two of them. The Chosen Undead didn't realize just how hungry he was. He managed to finish all the food on his plate, and it was only then that he thought to ask the two skeletons once more just what was happening.

"So... What exactly is going on?" the Chosen Undead asked again, "Why are you two here? And... Have you seen my girlfriend? She went out a couple of hours ago and she hasn't come back yet. Y-you mentioned a snowstorm a while ago...? I hope Rhea is OK..."

"wait. did you just say your girlfriend is missing?" Sans asked, his voice suddenly taking on a serious tone. "uh-oh. that doesn't sound good."

"W-what do you mean?" the Chosen Undead was starting to get nervous. "What's going on?"

The skeleton brothers looked at each other, then back at the Chosen Undead. Sans sighed.

"thing is, papyrus and i are looking for someone," the skeleton began, "someone we've both been looking for for a long time already... well, i sensed another anomaly in the space-time continuum, and i knew it was him. me and papyrus traveled all the way to your dimension to track him down, and now we have an idea of where he is."

"I... I still don't know what's going on," the Chosen Undead said bluntly. "B-but do you think Rhea not coming back has something to do with this?!"

"look kid, i'm gonna be straightforward with ya," Sans looked the young man in the eye. "the person we're looking for... he, or rather, his energy signature, was captured. and whoever captured him is using that power to, er... kidnap young women, for some reason. so... things aren't looking so good for your girlfriend if she disappeared now, of all times..."

"No... No no no no NO!!!" the Chosen Undead panicked. "T-that can't be true! T-this is all a dream! I... I have to wake up!" He tried pinching his arms again, slapping his face, anything that could "wake him up".

"kid, trust me," Sans tried to calm the young man down, "this ain't a dream. but it doesn't have to be a nightmare, either. tell ya what. if you can somehow help us figure out who the kidnapper is, we'll take you with us to wherever he's at. that way, papyrus and i can save the person we're looking for, and you can save your girlfriend."

"... Seath!" the Chosen Undead clenched his fists and sat up as a sudden realization hit him. "There's no other explanation... It HAS to be him! Dammit, I can't let this happen again!"

"ER... WHAT'S GOING ON?" Papyrus asked. "SANS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"seath, huh..." Sans said as he folded his arms across his chest. The lights in his eye sockets went out and it looked like he was in deep thought. A good few minutes of complete silence passed before the skeleton's eyes lit up and he spoke again. 

"ok, got it. i can sense he has the energy signature with him, too... so, this seath... big white dragon, no eyes, no scales, bottom-heavy guy, and _ain't even got legs?_ "

"Y-yeah, that's him!" the Chosen Undead said. "D-do you know where he is?!"

"sure do," Sans nodded. "hey papyrus, better put that spaghetti in a doggie bag. we gotta go. now."

"DOGGIE BAG? BUT I HAVE NO INTENTION OF FEEDING ALL THIS SPAGHETTI TO THE ANNOYING DOG!"

"that's not what i meant, but whatever..." Sans muttered, then turned to the Chosen Undead and extended his arm. "ok buddy, hang on tight. this is gonna be a bumpy ride..."

"W-wait, what? What are you gonna—"

_FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!_

Without even being able to finish his sentence, the Chosen Undead was whisked away by the two skeletons as they opened a portal in the time-space continuum. As the three of them traveled through a vortex in time and space, the Chosen Undead suddenly wished he hadn't eaten all that spaghetti... Still, that didn't matter much to him. Right now, he needed to find Rhea. He needed to save her from Seath the Scaleless once more...

...

"Where are we? Is this... The Duke's Archives? It looks so... different."

The Chosen Undead, Sans and Papyrus found themselves in what appeared to be a dark, humongous and labyrinthine... yet surprisingly modern and hi-tech library. The walls were lined floor-to-ceiling with bookshelves and computer screens flashing random data patterns. There were escalators and elevators that floated in the air thanks to magnetic levitation, which also changed their direction every couple of seconds. Papyrus noticed that there was a sign on the door that read, "Duke's Archives Public Library and Science Lab". Huh. Guess the Channelers redecorated the place to fit with the times...

"I've got to find Rhea!" the Chosen Undead said. "Sans! Do you know where she could be?"

"gimme a sec," Sans said as the lights in his eyes went out again. "ok. looks like your lady's somewhere at the very center of this place. the energy signature we're looking for is there, too..."

"WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?" Papyrus said, "LET'S GET A MOVE ON!"

As soon as he said that, Papyrus sprinted towards one of the escalators. But as suddenly as he started, the skeleton stopped. He turned around to look back at his older brother and the Chosen Undead, grinning sheepishly and rubbing the back of his head.

"UM... WHICH DIRECTION ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO AGAIN...?"

"oh, papyrus..." Sans sighed and shook his head. "come on, bro. we're taking that escalator."

"H-hey, I got a question," the Chosen Undead asked Sans as the three of them rode on the escalator. "Why can't you just teleport us to where Rhea is, like how your brought us here?"

"it ain't that easy, kid," Sans said. "i need to recharge before i can teleport again. to be honest with ya, it's been a while since i last had to use my powers. i mean, papyrus and i have been living on the surface for over a year now, and so far it's been pretty quiet. so i was surprised when i picked up the energy signature..."

"So... Who exactly are you guys looking for?" the Chosen Undead pressed on, "And... Why is it so important that you find him?"

Sans hesitated. He seemed to be deep in thought and reluctant to answer the young man's question. But before he could say anything else, the escalator suddenly stopped. Three figures: two Crystal Knights and one Channeler, jumped down from the ceiling and attacked!

"W-WE'VE GOT COMPANY!!!" Papyrus said.

"Gah! Dammit, I don't have my sword!" the Chosen Undead frantically looked around for a weapon.

"here kid, this'll have to do for now!" Sans said as he conjured up a blue energy sword and gave it to the Chosen Undead. "here they come!"

"I HOPE YOU'RE READY, HUMAN!" Papyrus readied his attacks, "BECAUSE I SURE AM!!! NYOOHOOHOOHOO!!! WATCH AS THE GREAT PAPYRUS DEFEATS THESE VILLAINS!!!"

With that, Papyrus charged at the three attackers while firing a barrage of bones at them. The Chosen Undead joined the fray, hacking his energy sword at the Crystal Knights. Meanwhile, Sans aimed for the Channeler with projectile attacks. The Channeler proved to be the most irritating of the enemies, since it kept spamming its sorceries. Luckily, Sans was able to knock it off the platform it was standing on with a perfectly-timed bone cannon attack. Once the Channeler was out of the way, Papyrus and the Chosen Undead focused their attention on the two Crystal Knights. Once he had found his opening, Papyrus performed his special Blue Attack on one of the knights, causing its body to become extremely heavy. The Crystal Knight lost its balance and fell to its doom after Papyrus hit it with a few more bone attacks. The last knight was defeated by the Chosen Undead performing a riposte on it.

"H-HEY, NEATO!" Papyrus said as he absorbed the fallen enemy's souls, "WOWIE, WE GET SOULS FROM DEFEATING ENEMIES?! MAN, IF THINGS WORKED THIS WAY IN OUR DIMENSION, WE WOULD'VE GOTTEN TO THE SURFACE AGES AGO!!!"

"N-no time to celebrate just yet!" the Chosen Undead gripped his energy sword tightly as he saw more enemies approaching. "There's still more!"

"man, what a chore..." Sans sighed lazily. "let's get this over with."

It didn't take long for the Chosen Undead and the skeleton brothers to defeat the second wave of enemies. But now, it seemed their presence was known and Seath would no doubt send even more mooks to stop them. The three scrambled up the levitating escalators; they needed to get to the central chamber as fast as possible.

The Chosen Undead realized navigating through the Duke's Archives was even more complicated and confusing now that the place had been renovated. The levitating escalators were pretty straightforward, but once the three had gotten to a room with floating platforms, air vents and conveyor belts, the young man realized he needed to think more strategically this time around. Luckily, Papyrus noticed that the layout of the room wasn't too different from the puzzle areas in Hotland. Sans figured out the correct pattern, but the trio still needed to move as fast as they could— there were still a bunch of enemies on their tail.

And so the three jumped across platforms, ran through conveyor belts, and climbed onto the elevators. Occasionally they had no choice but to fight their attackers, but by then the three had already gotten used to working together and it wasn't long before the mooks Seath was sending became more of a nuisance than an actual threat.

"we're getting close, i can feel it..." Sans said as the three reached a new room. It was much darker than the previous ones, and apart from some monitors and machinery on the walls, all it contained was one large, continuous conveyor belt.

"Something doesn't feel right about this room..." the Chosen Undead said.

"yeah..." Sans nodded. "better keep an eye out. for all we know this place could have—"

_BZZZZZZZZZZT!!!_

"LASERS!!!" Papyrus shrieked in a high-pitched voice as a giant, orange laser beam came towards them.

"Oh crap! What do we do?!" the Chosen Undead panicked as the beam drew nearer.

"that's an orange laser! we have to run straight towards it!"

"W-what?! S-seriously?!"

"you played the game, didn't you? now come on, ruuuuuuuuuun!!!"

Without warning, Sans grabbed the Chosen Undead by the shirt as he and Papyrus sprinted toward the laser. The Chosen Undead shut his eyes and gritted his teeth, expecting to be burned to a crisp any second now... But once he opened his eyes again, he saw that he and the skeleton brothers had managed to escape the laser unharmed.

The trio had no time to relax, though. Immediately after the orange laser was another beam... This time, it was a light blue laser. Sans told the Chosen Undead to stand still and not move a muscle, and eventually the laser passed without harming them. The three faced several more lasers after that, alternating between light blue and orange and so forth. Remembering which lasers to run through and which ones to stand still at was easy; it was the timing that was the tricky bit. But the Chosen Undead was a quick learner, and with the two skeletons' help, he managed to surmount the obstacles that the Duke's Archives Public Library and Science Lab threw at him.

After getting past the lasers, solving more puzzles and fighting off some more enemies, the Chosen Undead, Sans and Papyrus finally found themselves in the central chamber. It was pretty similar to the crystal room that Seath used as a hideout in the past, but like the rest of the Duke's Archives, it had also been renovated. For one thing, instead of the Immortality Crystal, there was now a large machine in the center of the room. It had several tubes and lights on it, as well as a giant glass chamber in the middle. And in that chamber...

"RHEA!!!" the Chosen Undead shouted as he saw his girlfriend, along with several other young women, trapped inside.

"S-SANS, LOOK! O-OVER THERE!" Papyrus pointed to a glowing receptacle above the glass chamber. It seemed to be the machine's power source, and the two skeletons could faintly make out a figure trapped inside it as well... Another skeleton, surrounded by a sea of green energy, his face worn and distorted. It looked at the brothers, and seemed to recognize them.

"Pa...py...rus...? Sa...ns...?" the warped skeleton said weakly.

"dad..." Sans said as he clenched his fists.

"What are you guys waiting for?!" the Chosen Undead said as he rushed towards the machine, energy sword at the ready. "We have to destroy that thing and free Rhea—!"

"MARCUS-KUN, IT'S A TRAP!!!" Rhea yelled from inside the glass chamber.

_BAAAAAAAAAAAMM!!!_

Before the Chosen Undead could react, the crystal ceiling came crashing down! He and the skeleton brothers were pinned to the ground by the shards of crystal that fell and smoke filled the room. Once the smoke had cleared, though, the Chosen Undead could see a large figure in the room. A mighty dragon, white as snow and without scales... It reared its head and let out a loud roar... The Chosen Undead was face-to-face with Seath the Scaleless once again.

Only, this time around, something was different. Strange energy seemed to be emanating from Seath's body and he appeared to be much bigger than he was before... The Chosen Undead had no time to analyze the situation, though, as Seath fired a white beam of energy at him as soon as he sensed him! The young man barely managed to escape; he pulled out the crystal shards from his clothes and rolled away just in time. The sharp crystals cut the skin on his hands and legs and the Chosen Undead hissed as he felt himself bleeding. Still, he tightened his grip on his sword and prepared to face Seath.

It was then that the Chosen Undead realized that the dragon's attack patterns had changed completely. Seath now relied heavily on projectile attacks, both in crystal and energy form, that buffeted the young man from all directions. The Chosen Undead tried casting Soul Arrow and Soul Spear, but they just wouldn't hit. He couldn't find any openings where he could hit Seath with his sword, either— the dragon was intentionally keeping his distance so he could fire more ranged attacks. Still, that didn't stop the Chosen Undead from trying. He jumped on some of the crystal slabs that fell from the ceiling, using them as platforms to try and get to Seath. But the young man was fighting a losing battle, it seemed. Every time he got closer, Seath would blast him with another energy beam, or a barrage of crystal bullets. The Chosen Undead panted as he lay on the floor covered in cuts and bruises.

He could feel Seath's hot breath as the dragon leaned in to inspect him. The Chosen Undead could see that he was baring his sharp fangs, sneering at him. The young man tried to reach for his sword, but Seath pushed it aside as he laughed menacingly. Was this it? Was this... the end...?

"I'm sorry... Rhea..." the Chosen Undead muttered as he closed his eyes.

...

**"GASTER BLASTER!!!"**

Suddenly, a powerful blue energy cannon hit Seath in the face! The dragon was momentarily stunned. The Chosen Undead turned around to see where the attack had come from. To his surprise, he saw... Sans, surrounded by some sort of battle aura, his head transformed into a goat skull and an ominous blue fire burning in his left eye socket. The skeleton jumped down the crystal platform from which he stood, and slowly walked towards the white dragon. His coat swayed in the wind as he did, and the Chosen Undead had to admit, he looked pretty damn cool!

"hey. i wouldn't do that if i were you... do you wanna have a bad time?"

Seath could only roar in defiance. Sans smirked and shook his head.

"if that's the way you want it... then, prepare to..."

**"GEEEEEEEEEEEEEET...**

**DUUUUUUUUUUUUUNKED...**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!"**

A blinding flash of light filled the room as Sans and Seath fired their attacks at the same time. The two beams crossed and sparks flew everywhere. Sans held his own pretty well, but the white dragon was still much too powerful... Its white energy beam was starting to overpower Sans' Gaster Blaster, and the skeleton struggled to resist. The Chosen Undead rushed over to try and help Sans, but he pointed at the large machine in the middle of the room, telling him to free the hostages. The young man was reluctant to let the skeleton fight Seath on his own, especially since it looked like he was going to lose... But, all of a sudden...

**"COOL DUDE GASTER BLASTER!!!"**

This time, a red energy cannon hit Seath's exposed side, and the dragon was actually knocked over! The Chosen Undead was shocked to see that the attack had come from Papyrus, who was also surrounded by a battle aura. His head had also transformed into a goat skull, and a bright red fire burned in his right eye socket.

"NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!! NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE GREAT PAPYRUS!!!"

"heh. nice save, bro..." Sans said as he wiped some blood off his mouth. He turned to the Chosen Undead, "now's your chance, kid! go!"

The Chosen Undead didn't waste any time. He cast Soul Spear at the machine, shattering the glass chamber and freeing the women trapped inside. He quickly ran over to Rhea, hugging her tightly.

"Rhea-chan! A-are you hurt?" he asked her worriedly.

"I... I'm fine..." Rhea said as she clung tightly to the Chosen Undead, smiling at him... But her smile quickly disappeared when she realized they weren't out of trouble yet. "MARCUS-KUN, LOOK OUT—!!!"

_BWAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!_

Before he knew it, the Chosen Undead found himself slammed against a wall by Seath's tail. The dragon had grabbed Rhea in one hand, and the two skeletons in the other. No... How could he have let this happen?! The young man struggled to move, but his injuries were now too much to bear. Seath gave him a piercing glare as he prepared to finish the young man once and for all... He opened his mouth, baring his sharp fangs. Rhea and the skeleton brothers looked away as the dragon fired an energy beam at the Chosen Undead. It looked like he was done for... He felt as if his very SOUL was about to give up...

...

... But it refused.

Suddenly, the Chosen Undead found himself floating in the air, surrounded by his own unique battle aura. Of course... He couldn't give up just like that! He WOULDN'T give up just like that! Even if Seath repeatedly beat him to a pulp... Even if he died a hundred, maybe even a thousand deaths... He wouldn't give up. He still needed to save Rhea, and his new friends Sans and Papyrus as well... That was his motivation. That was his goal. He refused to go down so easily. He was filled with...

**DETERMINATION.**

"All right, Seath..." the Chosen Undead said defiantly, "Let's finish this!"

With that, the dragon fired another barrage of crystal bullets, which the Chosen Undead dodged. He zigzagged through the endless storm of sharp crystal shards, all while casting Soul Spear at Seath. The attacks merely bounced off the dragon, though, and Seath laughed at the young man's attempts. It seemed Seath was using something to make himself invulnerable again, but what? There was no Immortality Crystal in the room, only... The machine! Of course!

The Chosen Undead knew what he had to do... He had to aim for the machine's power source. But he had to careful so as not to harm the skeleton that was trapped inside it. Still, his first order of business was to actually get close enough to the machine to deactivate it, and he still had to avoid Seath's attacks. The dragon just wouldn't relent; it continued to fire crystal bullets and energy beams even as the room they were in was gradually falling apart. The Chosen Undead continued to dodge the attacks and focused all his attention on the machine. He flew around the room several times, evading the dragon's attacks at the same time, before he finally found an opening.

The Chosen Undead knew he only had one chance. He conjured a Lightning Spear in his right hand and carefully aimed it at the power source. With all his might, he hurled the spear at his target...

And it was all over.

Seath crashed to the floor as the power was drained from him. The Chosen Undead ran towards him and freed Rhea, then Sans and Papyrus, from his grasp. The two skeletons immediately headed towards the now-freed distorted skeleton, who had collapsed on the floor. Sans turned the skeleton around so it could face them; it managed a weak smile.

"Sans... Papyrus... You came..."

"it's been a long time, dad..." Sans said as he gave him a hug.

"Yes... Far too long..."

The weakened skeleton embraced Sans as well, and it seemed to crying tears of joy. Sans eventually pulled back from the hug and looked at him from head to toe. Of course, he just couldn't resist cracking another joke.

"hey. you got really old and ugly, you know that?"

"Ha ha, very funny, Sans..." Sans' dad said. "It... It's great to see you boys, though."

"OH, AT LONG LAST!!!" Papyrus said as he joined in the hug as well, "THE GASTER FAMILY IS TOGETHER AGAIN!!! I... I... I NEVER THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD COME!!!"

"ACK! Papyrus! My rheumatism!" Gaster said as Papyrus hugged him a little too tightly.

"WHOOPSIE! SORRY ABOUT THAT!" Papyrus said sheepishly. "IT'S JUST THAT... OH, DADDY! I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!"

"heh, try not to cry too much, bro," Sans said with a smirk.

"I'M NOT CRYING! I JUST HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE!"

"oh? what's in your eye?"

"TEARS!!!"

Meanwhile, Rhea and the Chosen Undead chuckled as they watched the reunited skeleton family. Rhea hugged her boyfriend tightly and gave him a kiss, which the Chosen Undead gladly returned.

"ok, you two lovebirds," Sans called out to them, "it's about time you two went back home."

"R-right," the Chosen Undead nodded as he readied himself for Sans' teleportation technique.

"W-WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND!" Papyrus suddenly said, "YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!"

"H-huh? What do you mean?" the Chosen Undead gave him a puzzled look.

Papyrus pointed to Seath, who was now pathetically slumped on the floor and looked like he was crying. "THE DRAGON! YOU FORGOT TO HUG THE DRAGON!"

"WHAAAAT?!" the Chosen Undead said, "W-why... WHY would I want to hug Seath after he freaking tried to kill me?!"

"THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS!" Papyrus reasoned, "IF YOU WANT THE BEST POSSIBLE ENDING, YOU HAVE TO SHOW SYMPATHY TO THE FINAL BOSS AND GIVE HIM A HUG TO COMFORT HIM! NOW, GO ON, HUMAN, DO IT!"

"B-BUT HE'S NOT AN ADORABLE WHITE BABY GOAT!"

"HE'S A WHITE ANIMAL, SO THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!"

The Chosen Undead looked at Rhea, who could only chuckle. The young man sighed and decided to just go through with it so they could all go home. He walked up to Seath and awkwardly hugged his snout. The dragon had a look of utter confusion on his face, but nevertheless seemed to appreciate the gesture. Sort of. It didn't eat the Chosen Undead, at the very least. Once that embarrassing moment was over and done with, the young man rejoined Rhea and the three skeletons as they prepared to teleport out of this place.

"ok, everybody ready? one... two... three!"

...

"Ahh... Mmm... Huh?"

The Chosen Undead was surprised to see that it was early morning, and he was back in his own bed. He felt a bit dazed, as if he had just done something incredibly strenuous, like fight somebody or something. He brought the back of his hand to his neck, and realized that his fever was gone. He also wasn't shivering, coughing or sneezing anymore. He turned to his side, and saw that Rhea was sleeping in his bed. The Chosen Undead smiled. He leaned over her and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Mmm... Good morning..." Rhea said as she sat up and kissed him on the lips. "How are you feeling, honey?"

"I feel great," the Chosen Undead replied, "I think I'm not sick anymore."

"That's good to hear..." Rhea smiled. "Funny. I don't remember much of what happened after I went out yesterday. And... I had the strangest dream."

"Y-yeah, I had a strange dream, too," the Chosen Undead said as he rubbed his eyes and yawned. He looked at the bottle of Ashen Estus which was still on his bedside table. "Wait a second..."

He grabbed the bottle and carefully examined it, reading every label and fine print.

"Warning: May cause mild hallucinogenic side effects. Do not take if pregnant or lactating."

... Was it really all just a dream, then? Sans, Papyrus, the Duke's Archives, Seath and Gaster? If so, then why did it all seem so real?

The Chosen Undead decided not to think about it too much for now. He and Rhea got out of bed and headed to the kitchen to have some breakfast. Much to their surprise, the couple found that there was already food on the table. A hot, steaming plate of spaghetti, in fact. The Chosen Undead noticed that there was a small note next to the plate, and he and Rhea read it together.

_"hey. just wanted to say, thanks so much for your help._  
_papyrus and i brought dad back home and introduced him to everybody._  
_things are going great here, and i hope everything's ok where you guys are, too._  
_papyrus made some spaghetti, by the way. hope you like it._  
_again, thanks for everything. maybe we'll meet again soon._  
_until then, you two take care, ok?"_

_— Sans Gaster_

Rhea and the Chosen Undead could only smile at each other. They knew that none of their friends would believe their story, but the two were happy to have had a unique adventure of their own. They sat down at the kitchen table, and ate the spaghetti. One thing was for sure: Papyrus's cooking skills had definitely improved.


	5. Ornstein vs. Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ornstein and his daughter Zoe have gone hiking in the woods with Artorias, Ciaran and Sif. Unfortunately, they get separated and lost, and Ornstein needs to learn how to survive in the wilderness.

"Dad... We're lost, aren't we?"

Ornstein turned around and saw his thirteen-year-old daughter sitting on a log, an exasperated look on her face. It was a Saturday afternoon in early spring. The two of them had gone hiking in the woods with Artorias, Ciaran and pet wolf Sif. They went off to explore a waterfall, but somehow got separated and lost the trail. Now the two were trying to find their bearings, reunite with their companions and get back on the main road. Unfortunately, they weren't having much luck. Ornstein acting like he knew what he was doing in order to impress his daughter didn't help matters either. But the old lion was anything if not proud and stubborn.

"We are _not_ lost, Zoe. This compass Artorias gave me must be defective."

Zoe sighed again as she brushed away the red hair hanging limply in front of her face. "Dad, you've been staring at that thing for hours and all we've done is walk around in circles. That spruce tree over there? The one with the bird poo that's shaped like Big Hat Logan's hat? I swear I've seen it over three times already... Admit it, Dad, you don't even know how to read a compass, do you?"

She got him there. The girl inherited her mother's smarts... and no-nonsense attitude. Ornstein could only sigh as he sat down next to his daughter, hanging his head low in embarrassment.

Ornstein had brought his daughter Zoe out to the woods to celebrate her birthday, since she was an avid outdoors person. Well, actually, _Artorias_ suggested that Ornstein take Zoe out to the woods since _he_ knew she was an avid outdoors person. Since Ornstein was such a workaholic and often came home very late, Artorias would babysit Zoe from time to time when she was younger. Oftentimes Ciaran would be there to help babysit as well, and the three became unlikely friends as Zoe grew up. Naturally, she was more than happy to learn that the two (and Sif!) would be joining her and her dad during their hike.

Ornstein wasn't a terrible father; far from it, actually. Ever since his wife passed away ten years ago, he had actually done pretty well raising his daughter on his own. He cooked for her, drove her to school in the morning, and picked her up in the afternoon before returning to his office for overtime work. He never forgot her birthday and always had a present for her. He even taught her how to fight with a spear and use Lightning Magic, and the two often practiced and sparred at the park on weekends. Raising a child while being both a Dragon Slayer AND Captain of the Four Knights was no easy feat, yet somehow Ornstein managed it. 

Still, that didn't stop him from _thinking_ he was a terrible dad every now and then, especially since his colleague Smough often mocked him for it. Unfortunately, poor Ornstein was too righteous and oblivious to realize that the reason Smough mocked him for being a "terrible father" was because Smough himself was one and was merely looking to take his frustrations out on him. Even when his other colleagues at work pointed this out, Ornstein still felt he was a subpar dad. He never showed it, but he especially felt insecure around Siegmeyer, who was always talking about his daughter Sieglinde, had several framed photos of her in his office, was always able to attend her recitals at school... The two had even won several "Father and Daughter of the Year" awards from past company parties. This led to Ornstein always looking for ways to "prove" himself to Zoe, even when there was nothing that needed to be proven in the first place...

Zoe couldn't quite understand why her dad always tried so hard to impress her. Mid-life crisis, maybe? He was 48, after all... It wasn't overly irritating, but it did get tiring sometimes. She was already perfectly fine with the way Ornstein was, even if he was a workaholic. After all, he always made sure to make up for the time he spent away from home. Zoe was surprised when Ornstein announced that they would be going hiking in the woods that weekend for her birthday, and while she was very happy and excited about this, she was also worried. Ornstein, despite his profession, wasn't really an outdoors person. Still, the old lion assured his daughter that he'd manage perfectly fine, and besides, Ciaran (who was pretty much a wilderness survival expert thanks to her background) would be with them... But then they got separated from Ciaran, and Ornstein thought he was capable of getting back on the trail without her help.

And so, here they were. Lost in the woods, tired and hungry. Ornstein sighed and turned to his daughter, looking at her apologetically.

"So much for a birthday outing..."

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it," Zoe said. "It wasn't your fault we got lost."

"True, but I can't get us un-lost either," Ornstein said.

"Weeeeeeell..." Zoe said sheepishly as she smiled at Ornstein, "Maybe you shoulda learned how to read a compass _before_ we went on this trip. Just a suggestion."

"Noted," Ornstein said, before sighing again. "I wonder how Artorias and Ciaran are doing..."

"Er..." Zoe said awkwardly, "Trust me, Dad, you probably don't wanna know what they're doing right now. Especially when they're alone together..."

"W-what do you mean?" Ornstein asked, confused.

"Never mind. I'll tell you all about it when you're older," Zoe teased as she shook her head at her father's obliviousness. "Hey, I'm kinda hungry. Do we have any food?"

"Ah, let's see..." Ornstein said as he rummaged through his backpack. "I've only got one energy bar in here... And the cooler is with Sif... Here, you can have it."

"You sure?" Zoe asked, reluctant to accept the bar. "What about you?"

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'm not hungry at all!" Ornstein said proudly.

_Grrrrrrwwwwwwwggggrrrrrllll..._

Zoe couldn't help but laugh. "You are SO not 'not hungry', Dad!"

"Perhaps I am a little hungry..." Ornstein admitted.

The young girl looked around, and suddenly had an idea. "Hey Dad. We're in a forest. There's, like, food everywhere! You just gotta know where to look. And besides, you've got your spear with you! Maybe we can hunt something!"

"Hunt something...?" Ornstein repeated.

"YEAH!" Zoe said excitedly, "We'll be living off the land! Surviving in the wilderness! It'll be AWESOME! C'mon, let's see which animals we can have for dinner!"

"Hang on a second!" Ornstein said as he put his hand on Zoe's head to keep her from running off, "It's more important that we make a fire and some sort of shelter first before we look for food... At least, that's what those survival shows of yours always say, right?"

"Ah. Right," Zoe scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "And water! We gotta find some drinking water, too!"

"All right, then we should find a river or stream," Ornstein nodded.

"Yep! Oh, but we can't drink straight from the river, Dad. Fish screw in it."

"R-right... So, shelter, fire, and water... Then we have to boil the water to make it safe to drink."

"And if that doesn't work out, we can always drink our pee!"

"W-WHAT?! NO! We are NOT doing that, young lady! It's UNSANITARY!"

Zoe laughed at how much her father was freaking out at the suggestion. She was joking, of course, and knew that drinking urine was a terrible idea, despite what certain TV personalities say... But Ornstein knew next to nothing about wilderness survival and thought Zoe really was suggesting that they drink their own pee if they didn't find any water. He swore to himself that they HAD to find a source of water, and that they would build their shelter near it. The pair continued to walk through the forest, looking around for a suitable place to set up camp. After about another hour or so of walking, they found themselves in a completely different area in the woods. The trees were much larger and older, the ground was sloped and uneven, and there were several caves and rock outcroppings around. But there was a river running through the area, so Ornstein decided that he and Zoe could camp out there.

"OK. Sooooo... What makes a good shelter?" Zoe said to herself, trying to recall what she'd seen on survival shows. "Something that'll keep us warm and dry... Raised off the ground, or at least some sort of bedding made of leaves or something."

"Hmm. There are several caves here," Ornstein stroked his beard as he looked around. "But I don't think they're an ideal shelter... There might be Capra Demons around."

"Better Capra Demons than mushroom zombies," Zoe said. "Or mutant cannibals... Or serial killers with axes and chainsaws... Or madmen with pitchforks whose heads explode and then snakes come out of them... Or Shadows of Yharnam...!"

"Zoe! D-don't say those things!" Ornstein said.

"Whoops! Sorry 'bout that, Dad!" Zoe grinned. "But if there ARE any nasty monsters around, you can fight 'em off easy-peasy, right, Dad? They're no match for you!"

"... You really think so?" Ornstein said, flattered by his daughter's compliment.

"I KNOW so!" Zoe beamed. "Now, c'mon! Let's go build that shelter!"

...

"Ooooooooornsteeeeeeeeeein!!! Zoooooooooooeeeeee!!!"

Elsewhere in the woods, Artorias, Ciaran and Sif were looking for their companions. The Abysswalker called out for the two, while Ciaran checked her map and compass. She would occasionally squat down on the ground to try and look for any footprints or tracks. Ciaran was no Navajo, but she could track pretty damn well thanks to all the military training she underwent in her teen years. Meanwhile, Sif sniffed the air, trying to catch their lost companions' scent. Unfortunately, Ornstein was a big fan of pine-scented aftershave, and they were in a forest filled with pine trees...

"Heh. I never thought I'd find myself tracking my own boss down in the woods," Ciaran said. "So, am I supposed to pin him to the ground and then stab him with my tracer blades when we find him?"

"I don't think this is the right time to joke, Ciaran..." Artorias said, "Ornstein and Zoe might be in trouble..."

"Zoe can take care of herself," Ciaran said confidently. "It's Ornstein I'm more worried about. He wouldn't last two minutes in this forest, and he's getting too old for this shit."

"Thou hath a point..." Artorias couldn't help but agree. "Still, he insisted on going for Zoe's sake."

"Smough's gotten in his head again," Ciaran sighed and shook her head. "Well, that's Ornstein for you. Nothing we can really do about it... Do you think I'll get a raise when I find him, though?"

"Ehehe... I don't know about that..." Artorias scratched his cheek sheepishly.

The three continued to walk around the forest, trying to find Ornstein and Zoe. Ciaran suggested that they stay close to the river and follow it downstream, since that would likely lead them back to the main road. If ever they didn't find the two, they could go to the forest ranger's office and inform them that their companions had gone missing. The sun was starting to get lower in the sky, which worried Ciaran. She hoped Zoe had gained enough knowledge from her survival shows to know how to start a fire and build a shelter before dark. As for Ornstein... Ciaran hoped he wouldn't be too stubborn and let Zoe handle the situation.

Ciaran remained vigilant and continued to track the two. Now that sundown was getting closer and closer, she knew that the wild animals (and some of the resident monsters, too) would start coming out to hunt. She unsheathed her tracer blades just in case; Artorias had forgotten to bring his sword so she was the only one who was armed. After a few more minutes of walking, Ciaran spotted something. The Lord's Blade squatted down on the ground again, examining some plants. The leaves were bruised and some of the branches were bent and broken, indicating that something had trampled on them. She could also faintly make out some boot imprints on the surrounding soil. Ciaran beckoned Sif to come and sniff the clue, hoping it would lead them to Ornstein and Zoe. The wolf carefully sniffed the trampled plants, then suddenly perked up. He looked at his two owners excitedly and wagged his tail.

"Arf! Arf! Arf!" Sif barked and jumped around, his tongue hanging out.

"H-hey, Sif found something!" Artorias said.

"Good job, boy!" Ciaran said. "OK, you lead the way, and we'll follow!"

...

_Tchk-tchk-tchk-tchk-tchk..._

"Soooooo... Any luck with that fire yet?"

Ornstein was hunched over in a corner, scraping his knife across the firestarter flint that hung around his neck. He and Zoe had managed to build a small lean-to shelter using one of the rock outcroppings as a wall and making a roof with some branches and leaves. They had also made two makeshift beds on the ground using soft moss from the rocks. Zoe had picked the location of their camp quite well, since it was relatively well-protected from potential predators and was also near the river. She had already filled a stainless steel cup with water from the river, and they just had to boil it before it would be safe to drink. This relieved Ornstein immensely, since he was apparently spared the fate of drinking his own pee.

Now, their priority was to get a fire going. Ornstein was trying to get a spark to light the dry sticks and tinder Zoe had collected earlier. Frankly, he wasn't having much luck. Getting the right rhythm to create a spark with flint and steel was surprisingly tricky. Ornstein sometimes got a spark, but it quickly died out before he could even get it onto the tinder. That "Bear" guy on TV made it look so easy... 

After a while, Ornstein gave up on the flint and steel method entirely, and cast Lightning Spear at the pile of sticks. Ta-da, now they had a fire!

"The bonfires in Lordran are so much easier to light," Ornstein said as he wiped the sweat off his brow. "Still, now that that's done, let's think about food. What did you have in mind, Zoe?"

"Hmm..." Zoe rubbed her chin in thought. After a while, she looked up at her father with a cheeky grin. "I'm kinda in the mood for venison steak!"

"Venison steak," Ornstein said flatly.

"YEAH!" Zoe said with a large smile. "I saw a bunch of deer not too far from here. They're over there, grazing in the meadow! Whaddya say we catch one of 'em? It'll be a _legit_ outdoorsman meal!"

"Sweetie, are you sure you want to hunt deer?" Ornstein asked. "I mean, we can try catching fish from that river over there. Or forage for some berries—"

_Grrrrrrwwwwwwwggggrrrrrllll..._

Ornstein's stomach did the talking for him again. He chuckled, stood up and picked up his spear.

"OK, let's go hunt some deer."

The sun was already setting and there was very little light left in the forest. Ornstein and Zoe headed over to the nearby meadow, and found that the deer had stopped grazing and were already retreating back to their dens for the night. In fact, there were only three deer left: two small fawns and one stag with large antlers. Ornstein realized he had only one shot at this, or else he and Zoe wouldn't have anything to eat that night. He took a deep breath as he cast Lightning Spear on one hand, and tightened his grip on his spear. He made sure to remain as quiet as possible as he aimed the Lightning Spear at the stag...

_ZAAAAAAAAPP!!!_

The Lightning Spear pierced the stag in the side, drawing blood. The animal was startled and tried running away. Ornstein and Zoe ran after it. He signaled his daughter to run the other way; they would try to circle around the deer and corner it. Zoe cast a lightning spell as well, just in case. The deer, despite being injured and rapidly losing blood, still had the strength to jump over logs and bushes and tried to put as much distance between it and its hunters as possible. Ornstein ran as fast as he could and jumped over the obstacles as well— it almost felt like he was reliving his early Dragon Slayer days. Adrenaline was pumping through his body and even he was surprised by how fast he could run! When he was only a few feet away from the animal, Ornstein raised his arm, preparing to hurl his spear. He charged his spear with lightning, then threw it with all his might...

"WOOHOO!!! WAY TO GO, DAD!!!"

Zoe ran over to her father, who was standing over the dead deer. He was sweating and panting heavily, tired from all that running, but he had a smile on his face. Zoe raised her hand and Ornstein happily gave her a triumphant high-five. The two looked proudly at the deer, before hauling it back to their camp. It was a bit heavy, but that didn't matter since now at least the two had something for dinner. 

The pair worked as quickly as possible to skin and quarter the deer, then skewered the meat on sticks and placed them on the fire. Ornstein drained the blood, then threw away all the entrails and organs that they couldn't eat. He briefly considered keeping the deer's hide and maybe use it as a blanket, but scrapped the idea since the hide still had bits of skin and blood on it and Zoe said it would be too much effort to clean. Still, the two had their meat already on the fire and they were satisfied with it. They also took some of the leftover deer meat and hung it to dry as they waited for their food to cook. Once the deer had been thoroughly cooked, Ornstein and Zoe dug in... And they had to admit, the meat tasted pretty damn good!

Ornstein looked at his daughter as she happily chomped on her meat. The girl had already inherited his appetite, but hanging around Artorias so much pretty much transformed her into a ruthless carnivore. He smiled. Even though they were lost in the middle of the forest, sitting in a makeshift shelter and drinking boiled river water, Zoe still looked like she was genuinely enjoying herself. Ornstein found it curious, really. But he decided not to think too much about the matter and resumed eating.

""Hey Dad, can I ask you a question?" Zoe suddenly asked.

"Sure, go ahead," Ornstein nodded. "What weighs upon your mind?"

"Just wondering..." Zoe said in between bites, "Why'd you suddenly decide to take me hiking this weekend?"

"Well, it's your birthday," Ornstein answered. "I figured we should do something special."

"Yeah, but we've never really gone out somewhere for my birthday before," Zoe said. "We usually just stay at home and order a giant pizza or something. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that we came to the woods. Maybe not so much the part where we got lost, though... But... I just found it weird."

"What's weird?" Ornstein asked.

"How you were acting all excited about this trip, too," Zoe replied. "You were kinda trying too hard. Hate to break it to ya, Dad, but... You're not exactly Bear Grylls, y'know?"

"W-what are you trying to say, Zoe?" Ornstein asked, starting to look uncomfortable.

Zoe finished eating her meat and drank some water, before speaking again.

"Guess I just wanted to ask you... what's the _real_ reason you brought me out here, Dad?"

An awkward silence filled the air, and for a few minutes the only thing that could be heard were the crickets and the crackling of the bonfire. Ornstein looked at his daughter and could see in her bright green eyes just how serious that question was. The old lion sighed; the girl had got him again. He decided to be honest with Zoe. After all, what kind of father would he be if he couldn't even tell his daughter the truth?

"I suppose... I figured it was about time I started being more of a good father," Ornstein admitted. "I may not be a big fan of these... outdoorsy things... but you are, so."

"That's the thing, Dad," Zoe said again, shaking her head. "You already ARE a good father! You don't have to do all these things to impress me!"

"But I'm never around! I always come home late! We never get to spend time with each other!"

"YES, we do! Even if it's just the little things, like when you help me with my homework or when we practice Lightning Magic at the park... I'm 100% cool with those already!"

"B-but Smough said—"

"SCREW SMOUGH! And screw all those other people who think you're a terrible dad! What do they know? I mean, who the heck do they think they are, anyway?!"

Suddenly, Zoe reached out and gave her dad a comforting hug. Ornstein was surprised at first, but nevertheless hugged his daughter back.

"My dad is Dragon Slayer Ornstein, Captain of the Four Knights," Zoe said, giving him that cheeky grin of hers again. "And he is AWESOME, and I'm very lucky to call myself his daughter."

"Zoe..." Ornstein was genuinely touched. "T-thank you..."

"Don't mention it, Dad," Zoe smiled. "So... wanna eat some more deer meat? That stuff is DA BOMB!"

"All right, but don't eat too much or you might get a tummy ache. Or worse, GAS," Ornstein chuckled as he and Zoe put some more skewers on the fire.

...

Once they had had their fill, Ornstein and Zoe decided to rest for a little bit before going to sleep. Like Ornstein said, they could get stomachaches or terrible gas if they didn't let all that meat digest properly. As they sat on their moss beds, keeping themselves warm in front of the fire, father and daughter looked up at the stars. The view was amazing; they never saw anything like this back in the city. It was almost as if they were staring into the very cosmos itself...

"The ground and the cosmos are one!" Zoe joked in an over-the-top fake British accent, " _Grant us eyes...! Grant us eyes...!_ "

"What? What is that supposed to mean?" Ornstein asked, laughing at Zoe's exaggerated accent but not quite understanding the reference.

"Oh, I heard it from that crazy homeless dude who always preaches on the street," Zoe said. "Y'know, the one with the funny-looking cage on his head?"

"It seems there are crackpots everywhere, regardless of where you live..." Ornstein snickered. "Just make sure you don't actually believe them—"

_SHHFFTH, SHHFFF..._

Ornstein was startled by a sudden rustling in the nearby bushes. He told Zoe to stay back while he grabbed his spear. It was already late at night... Ornstein couldn't risk having any wild animals or monsters around. Not while Zoe was here. The old Dragon Slayer slowly, carefully approached the bushes, spear at the ready...

"ARF! ARF! ARF!"

"WHOAAAAA!!!"

Before he knew it, Ornstein found himself pinned to the ground by Sif, and his ears and nose were being licked by his large tongue. The wolf had found them! Artorias and Ciaran came rushing towards him not long after, overjoyed at seeing that both he and Zoe were safe. Artorias helped Ornstein off the ground and patted the older man on the shoulder, but Ornstein was just so happy to see Artorias that he couldn't help but give him a big bro hug.

"Geez, no wonder people write fanfiction about you two," Ciaran snarked. Still, she happily returned the gesture when Zoe came to hug her as well. "Glad to see you're OK, kiddo."

Zoe said hugged the Lord's Blade tightly, before excitedly telling her, "Aww man, I've got so much stuff to tell you, Ciaran! Me and Dad were legit surviving the the wilderness! Check out our camp!"

"Hey, that's a sweet camp you've got there!" Ciaran said with a low whistle as she looked at Ornstein and Zoe's shelter. "Zoe, did you build that?"

"Me and Dad built it together!" Zoe said proudly. "Oh, and he killed a DEER! We ate its MEAT! It was freaking DELICIOUS!"

"MEAT? WHERE?!" Artorias said. He and Ciaran had only eaten a few energy bars and Sif was starving as well. Zoe pointed to the extra deer meat and said they were more than welcome to eat it. Artorias happily obliged and was so excited that he almost ate the meat raw— luckily Ciaran reminded him to cook it on the fire first.

"I'm so relieved you found us!" Ornstein said. "I expected nothing less of my two Knights!"

"Thou should thank Ciaran!" Artorias beamed as he stuffed his mouth with meat. "We would've never found thee if Ciaran hadn't been so good at tracking!"

Sif whined. Artorias chuckled. "And Sif was great, too! Isn't that right, boy?"

"So, am I gonna get a raise or what?" Ciaran joked.

"I'll think about it," Ornstein smiled. "Still, you have my thanks, Ciaran."

"No problem, boss," Ciaran smiled back. "So, Zoe here says you did a pretty good job surviving out here... Not bad, not bad at all..."

The group laughed and shared stories of their experiences while they were separated. Ciaran was actually impressed that Ornstein managed to pull his own weight and worked together with Zoe to build their camp. Artorias was impressed that he killed a deer all by himself, and thanked him for providing such a delicious, meaty dinner for him, Ciaran and Sif. It wasn't long before all the food was gone... At least the deer didn't go to waste. Sif happily licked its bones and antlers while the humans continued to talk.

After a while, everybody had become tired from the day's events and were ready to go to sleep. Artorias and Ciaran cuddled up against Sif, while Zoe laid down on the moss bed. Ornstein offered to stay up and keep watch for the night. They were still in unknown territory, after all, and he wanted to make sure the group was safe... Ornstein figured he was lucky he had insomnia, anyway. He smiled as he looked at his daughter, who had already fallen fast asleep. Ornstein breathed deeply, took a stick and stoked the bonfire as he stared out into the dark forest.

Several hours passed before the Dragon Slayer even yawned. By then it was probably well past midnight. He looked over his shoulder and saw that his daughter and his companions were still sound asleep. Ornstein looked at his bonfire and realized it was starting to die out. He stood up and headed over to the pile of sticks and branches that he and Zoe had prepared earlier, then returned to feed the fire. He looked at the rejuvenated flame and thought of an inappropriate joke about Lord Gwyn, which he kept to himself. Ornstein was starting to feel his head getting heavier. Maybe he could just close his eyes for a couple of minutes...

GRAAAWWWRR!!!

Whatever little sleep Ornstein had was quickly interrupted. He immediately stood up, grabbed his spear and took one of the branches from the fire, using it as a torch. He heard the sound again, only this time, it was louder. Whatever was out there was getting closer and closer. The others woke up as well after hearing the sound. After a few seconds, they heard it again. The sound was unmistakable... There was a bear wandering around their camp.

"D-Dad!" Zoe said in a low whisper, "Is that... what I think it is?"

"It sounds like it..." Ornstein nodded. "All of you, stay put! I'm going to take a look..."

"I'm coming with you, boss!" Ciaran said, readying her blades. "Arty, Sif! Protect Zoe at all costs! Do NOT leave the camp!"

"B-be careful!" Zoe called out to the two as they left. She held on tightly to Artorias as the two of them leaned against Sif. She hoped her dad would be OK...

Ciaran and Ornstein investigated the camp's perimeter, holding their weapons in a defensive stance. They could hear the bear growling and knew it was still around somewhere, but it was just too dark and they had no clue where it could be. Ornstein could feel cold beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He and Ciaran absolutely needed to find the bear and drive it away. The two continued to look around, using the torch to light the area. But after a while, they couldn't hear the bear anymore. Had it already left? Ornstein took a few seconds to decide whether it was safe to return to their camp, but as soon as he turned around...

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWRR!!!!!

"GAH!!!" Ornstein yelled as he felt the bear tackling him to the ground from behind. He struggled to get free, but the bear was too strong. It even knocked his torch and spear out of his hands.

"ORNSTEIN!!!" Ciaran yelled as she charged at the bear with her tracer blades.

The Lord's Blade leapt at the animal and assaulted it with a flurry of swipes and slashes. Its hide was surprisingly thick and Ciaran was shocked her blades couldn't pierce its skin. This wasn't just an ordinary bear! Still, her attack gave Ornstein enough time to get back on his feet and retrieve his spear and torch. The Dragon Slayer joined the Lord's Blade in attacking the bear, charging at it with his electrified spear. The bear growled and swiped at Ornstein with its sharp claws, but luckily the old lion managed to dodge the attack. Ciaran jumped up onto the bear's shoulders, trying to find a weak spot. She didn't have much luck, and even though she desperately tried to cling on to the animal, the bear threw her off its shoulders and Ciaran crashed to the ground. The bear ran off, still growling.

"CIARAN!!!" Ornstein yelled as he rushed towards her. "Are you all right?!"

"The camp!" Ciaran said, "The bear's heading towards the camp!"

The two frantically sprinted back to the camp as fast as they could. The bear was there and growling at Sif, who growled back while shielding Zoe. Artorias had a knife in his hand and was helping Sif keep it away. But the bear was aggressive and stood up, swiping its claws at both Sif and Artorias! Zoe covered her head and shrieked.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!!!"

The bear had no time to react as it was hit by several Lightning Spears. Ornstein leapt up into the air and thrust his spear into the ground, causing a massive shockwave of electricity to hit the bear. Still, the animal wouldn't relent. It charged at Ornstein, enraged. The Dragon Slayer countered the bear with a thrusting attack from his spear, before buffeting it with more lightning attacks. By then the bear was already starting to become overwhelmed by all the attacks, but still fought back. It grabbed Ornstein by the arm and pinned him on the ground again, raising its arms to claw at him...

But the old lion was anything if not proud and stubborn.

As soon as he saw an opening, Ornstein siezed the opportunity and thrust his spear straight into the bear's heart, sending a surge of powerful lightning through it. Man and animal were surrounded by a blinding light, sparks of electricity dancing all around them. Ornstein yelled in pain as he was hit by his own attack, but the bear still received the brunt of it. After a few seconds, the lightning disappeared. It was dead quiet...

It was all over for the bear. It fell backwards, dead. Ornstein barely managed to crawl out from under the heavy animal's corpse, and as soon as he did, he collapsed from exhaustion.

...

The next morning, Ornstein and company's camp was surrounded by several forest ranger vehicles. As it turned out, the bear that attacked them the previous night was no bear at all, but a demon that took the form of a bear. It had apparently been terrorizing the park for months now, attacking visitors and campers and killing the local wildlife for sport. The rangers were relieved that it was finally dead. They thanked Ornstein, gave him, Ciaran, Artorias and Zoe some breakfast, then drove them back to the ranger station. Inside the ranger's car, Zoe was ecstatic. She couldn't believe her father had just killed a bear demon all by himself! Ornstein smiled.

"BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER!" Zoe said. "Man, I can't wait to tell my friends about this!"

"You do that," Ornstein said. "I think I'll take a day off from work tomorrow, too..."

Zoe smiled at Ornstein, then gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"BEST DAD EVER."


	6. Stalker Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maria gets invited to the Old Hunters Reunion, but doesn't want to go. Solaire convinces her to go and catch up with her former colleagues, but unfortunately, Gehrman is there...

"I'm not sure if this is such a good idea, Solaire. Perhaps we should head back."

Sunday, 9am. Lady Maria was standing outside the door to a multipurpose function hall in the city park, holding a container of homemade lasagna in her hands. She was still contemplating whether or not to enter the building, and the more she kept staring at the "Old Hunters Reunion" poster attached to the door, the more she wanted to just turn around and leave. Beside Maria was Solaire of Astora, holding a container of potato salad in his hands. The two had already made plans to hang out that day when Maria received an invitation to the reunion. Frankly, she really didn't want to go at all and would much rather spend time with Solaire than with her former colleagues, who were now all geriatrics. But the Sunlight Warrior managed to convince Maria to go, and she just couldn't say no to him. Now she was regretting her decision. Solaire simply smiled and urged his friend to go inside.

"Oh come now, Maria! These people are your friends! And it IS an Old Hunters Reunion, after all... I'm sure they'll be happy to see you!"

"But... It might get awkward..." Maria said, still trying to weasel her way out of the situation. "Can't we just leave the food and go?"

"Now now, that isn't polite!" Solaire said. "Hey, at least stay for an hour or so. Catch up with your old buddies from the Hunter's Workshop. Then we can go to the aquarium theme park together after that. How does that sound?"

"Fine..." Maria sighed, "As long as you don't leave my side the whole time we're in there, all right?"

"Of course! You have my word!" Solaire smiled and nodded.

Maria took a deep breath as she opened the door... Already she could see the tacky 35-cent party balloons and hear the cheap parlor music CD playing. As soon as she stepped foot inside, she realized she had been away at the Astral Clocktower far longer than she thought. Maria was met with the sight of about thirty former Hunters, once proud and mighty warriors who fought against the Scourge valiantly and feared no Beast... all sitting around a long table eating tapioca pudding, diabetic-friendly cakes and playing cards and backgammon. It was depressing, really. Djura was the first to see Maria; he excitedly greeted her and then announced to all the other elderly Hunters in the room that she had arrived.

"Hey, it's Maria! LOOK EVERYBODY, IT'S MARIA!!!"

"HI, MARIA!!!" a legion of elderly voices greeted her. Mixed in with those voices were various phlegmy coughs and wheezes. "LONG TIME NO SEE!!!"

Maria could cry. She really could.

"H-hello, everyone," Maria said awkwardly. "L-long time no see..."

"Hello everyone!" Solaire also greeted the eldery Hunters. "We brought lasagna and potato salad!"

"Ooh, lovely!" Djura giddily took the food and placed it on the table. "JoorJoor just loves potato salad! Oh hey, you two make yourselves comfortable, all right? I'll get you some sugar-free guava juice and bingo cards. Be right back!"

Maria groaned. It hadn't even been five minutes yet and she already wanted to get out of this place. Solaire placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. She smiled back. At least Solaire was here to share the agony with her...

"Well, well, look who we have here..." Maria heard a familiar voice with a trademark accent. She turned around to see Eileen the Crow approaching. "It's good to see you, Maria. It's been a while..."

"It's good to see you too, Eileen," Maria greeted the older woman, genuinely happy to see her. "Hey, um... I apologize for not being able to make it to your birthday celebration a few months ago..."

"No need to apologize," Eileen chuckled. "That lovely dagger you gave me made up for it. And besides, you were spared the sight of drunk Gehrman singing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart'. I wanted to bleach my eyes and ears after that."

Maria cringed. Gehrman, the First Hunter. A long time ago (but not in a galaxy far, far away), he was her trusted mentor. He trained her when she was still a newcomer to the Hunter's Workshop, and Maria had great respect and admiration for his fighting skill and leadership abilities. She modeled her speedy fighting style after his. She started wearing a hat, just like him. Actually, one could safely say that Maria had a bit of a crush on him back then. Unfortunately... the years had not been kind to the First Hunter. Now Gehrman was a hyperactive, senile, wheelchair-bound old man who had no indoor voice, often forgot to take his meds, and got easily riled up by the most trivial things. His pervertedness also went through the roof, and he made creepy advances on women who were young enough to be his great-granddaughter. He believed himself to literally be Casanova. Which he was not. Now, Gehrman was essentially just a dirty old man stuck in the past— a pathetic shadow of his former glory. 

And then, there was the Doll... Long before the Good Hunter came into the picture and made the Doll human, Maria had found out about her when the police arrested Gehrman for trying to pick up a hooker (who was actually an undercover officer). They searched his house and found the Doll, found out she was _alive and sentient_ , and Maria volunteered to take her home out of pity. Though Maria eventually grew to love the Doll when she gained "custody" of her, she did NOT take the fact that Gehrman had become so obsessed with her that he made a life-sized doll in her image well. No, Maria did not take this well AT ALL.

Maria shuddered. Eileen noticed the uncomfortable look on Maria's face and patted the younger Huntress on the shoulder.

"Yes, I feel your pain, Maria," Eileen said. "You're very lucky you don't have to deal with Gehrman's shenanigans on a daily basis. I'm surprised I managed to make it to 82 with him around..."

It was only then that the Old Crow noticed Solaire was there. Eileen looked at Solaire, eyeing him from head to toe, then looked back at Maria. She smirked. 

"You dodged a bullet there, dear. Heh, at least you have better taste in men now. Great job."

"What? No, it's not what you think—"

Maria was about to say something, but was cut off by Djura returning with two red cups of sugar-free guava juice and two bingo cards. He gave the juice and cards to Solaire and Maria, then informed Eileen that Archibald had dropped his glasses in the tapioca bowl and needed help retrieving them. Eileen groaned and excused herself as she and Djura went off to assist the old Spark Hunter.

Solaire and Maria continued to walk around the function hall, chatting up some more of the Old Hunters. Maria was pleasantly surprised that most of them were still sane, and she had to admit, it was a bit nice to catch up with her former colleagues. Yamamura the Wanderer was frail and hard of hearing nowadays, but was still more or less the same Samurai she grew to respect and they happily recollected their missions together. Henriett was now a proud grandmother of six, wore glasses and had an artificial hip, but was still her old perky self and still had an extensive knowledge of Runes even though it had been so long since she last studied them. Maria was especially surprised and happy to see that Ludwig, now human again after going through years of therapy, was there. Ludwig was equally happy to see Maria— she had been like a little sister to him back when they were both in the Workshop, after all. Now, Ludwig was closer to being Maria's grandfather than an older brother figure, but nevertheless, the two were glad to see each other again. They talked about the good old days, their best Beast kills, even some of the embarrassing moments from their rookie days... Maria realized the reunion wasn't as bad as she thought it would be.

Before Maria knew it, almost one hour had passed without anything bad happening. Now she just had to wait just a few more minutes and then she and Solaire could finally go to the aquarium theme park. By then the two had actually gotten a bit hungry, so they headed over to the buffet table to have a quick bite to eat before they left. But as soon as the pair got there...

"MARIA!!! OH, MARIA, MY SWEET!!! I KNEW YOU JUST COULDN'T RESIST ME!!!"

"Oh god..." Maria muttered to herself. She felt like she could melt into a puddle of Brain Fluid that very moment.

Gehrman just HAD to show up when she and Solaire were almost ready to leave. The old coot had a perverted grin on his face when he saw Maria. He was approaching the pair, being wheeled in by an assistant. Maria tried to calm herself down, not wanting to have an outburst of rage and accidentally burn the building to the ground. WHY did Gehrman show up NOW, of all times?! _WHY?!_ Maria grew more and more uncomfortable as Gehrman got closer. Much to her surprise, Maria saw that Solaire also had an uncomfortable look on his face when he saw Gehrman approaching. But it wasn't Gehrman who made him uncomfortable; it was the much younger Hunter pushing his wheelchair. Solaire was glancing around nervously, as if he was desperately looking for a place to hide. Maria had never seen him so freaked out like this before. She looked at the younger Hunter; he had wavy dark blonde hair and thick sideburns, and was wearing a white jacket with a familiar insignia on it... The Rune of the Executioners. Who was this man, and why was Solaire so fidgety around him?

"Ah, _Solaire-senpai_!" the man said, "I didn't know you were coming! If I had, I would've brought some strong wine and put on nicer clothes! If you know what I mean... _Aha ha ha ha!_ "

Maria cringed. Did... did that man just call Solaire "senpai", flirt with him, and then do a piss poor impersonation of his trademark laugh?

"H-hello, Alfred," Solaire seemed hesistant to even greet the man. 

"So, what brings you here, Solaire-senpai?" the man named Alfred asked. "You're not exactly an Old Hunter... _Aha ha ha ha!_ As for me, well, I'm filling in for Master Logarius and helping out our beloved First Hunter here. I must say, it's _jolly good!_ Jolly good indeed!"

Maria shuddered again. This man was definitely trying to copy Solaire... and doing a terrible job at it, too. She found it incredibly annoying.

"I'm just accompanying my friend here," Solaire said. He awkwardly introduced the two. "Er... Maria, this is Alfred. Alfred, Maria."

Alfred looked at Maria, and she noticed a drastic shift in his tone of voice as he spoke. "I am Alfred. _Vileblood Hunter_ Alfred. You are... Lady Maria of Cainhurst, correct?"

"Damn right she is!" Gehrman interrupted, then did a wolf whistle while spit sprayed from his mouth. "So... How badly did you miss me, baybeh—"

"It's just Lady Maria," Maria corrected Alfred and ignored Gehrman entirely. "I am no longer affiliated with Cainhurst."

"Right..." Alfred said, his voice cold and even. "That's what I heard. But you know the old saying, _'Blood is thicker than water'_ , I'm sure... Well, anyway. You and Solaire-senpai... You came here together? As in, the two of you? Together?"

"Why, is there something wrong with that?" Maria said, not quite sure what this man was even trying to say. She could sense animosity coming from him, that was for sure.

Solaire could sense the tension between the two and stepped in to explain. "We already had plans for today, but Maria received an invitation to this reunion and I figured it would be a shame for her not to come. Um, actually, we should get going soon—"

"Wait wait wait WAIT!!!" Gehrman suddenly interrupted. "Whaddya mean, you and Maria already had plans? You had plans to go somewhere together?! No... It can't be. I can't believe it. Maria... You... YOU REPLACED ME WITH SUNNY DELIGHT OVER HERE?!"

"S-Sunny Delight?" Solaire said, confused.

"It's not like that, Gehrman," Maria said, annoyed. "We're just friends."

"B-but WHY?!" Gehrman continued his rambling, ignoring what Maria just said, "I... I thought what we had was SPECIAL! How could you do this to me?!"

"Gehrman, I already told you, it's not—" Maria tried to explain, but was cut off again.

"So what's he got that I don't, huh?" Gehrman spat. "Why are you with him? Is it because he's young and fit and good-looking?! IS IT BECAUSE HE HAS A NICE BODY?!"

"Yes, yes he does," Maria said dryly. "Great pecs, too."

"M-MARIA?!" Solaire said, shocked.

"It's true, though..." Alfred muttered to himself, a perverted smile forming on his lips.

"This... This is ATROCIOUS!!!" Gehrman kept on freaking out. "How long have you... Have you done... No no no NO NO! I dont even wanna think about it!!!"

Maria grinned. She knew a target when she saw one, and commenced her trolling.

"Oh yes, Gehrman. We've already had... _sessions_ together."

"Maria, what are you SAYING?!" Solaire was starting to freak out as well, completely unaware that Maria was actually referring to their piano and drums jam sessions.

"Solaire can keep a good rhythm," Maria said smugly. "And he has lots of stamina, too. At the end of each session, he gets all sweaty and out-of-breath and I can hear cymbals crashing everywhere."

"M-MARIA!!!" Solaire was absolutely mortified and red like a tomato.

"H-how scandalous!" Alfred said.

"WHY, MARIA, WHYYYYYYYYYYY?! YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART!!! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, MARIA!!! CURSE YOU, SUNNY DELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!"

Gehrman was hysterical. He was so wild and loud that the other Old Hunters all stared in his direction. Ludwig could only sigh and shake his head sadly at what his mentor had become. In a far corner of the room, Eileen and Djura were hiding their faces in embarrassment.

"M-Master Gehrman, I think it's time you took your medication..." Alfred noticed all the other people in the room were staring at them and tried to calm the rabid senior down. He turned back to Solaire and Maria as he started wheeling Gehrman away, "Excuse us..."

"Psst, now's our chance to get out of here!" Solaire whispered to Maria as soon as Alfred and Gehrman turned around. Maria nodded and grabbed Solaire by the arm as the two bolted towards the door. Before anybody knew it, they were gone.

...

11am, at the aquarium theme park. Solaire and Maria were at one of the many marine-themed restaurants, eating brunch. The pair had scrambled to get as far away from the Old Hunters Reunion as possible, and were incredibly relieved when they finally made it to their destination. The two realized they hadn't had a chance to eat thanks to Gehrman, and decided to have a quick meal before visiting the attractions. Leave it to the senile old coot to turn a perfectly normal situation into an awkward and embarrassing one...

"He did the same thing at the hotsprings," Solaire said. "Luckily, the hostess managed to calm him down with bingo."

"What IS it with old people and bingo, anyway?" Maria asked as she took another bite of her fish n' chips. "Anyway, back there... You seemed quite nervous around that Alfred guy. Who is he, anyway? And why did he keep trying to copy you?"

"Er..." Solaire hesitated, then coughed. "We... went out once. Just once. He seemed like a nice fellow at first, but, well... Long story short, Alfred started following me everywhere... I... I think he was trying to BE me, and I found it creepy. I try to avoid him at all costs, but sometimes I just get unlucky..."

"Wait, so he's your ex-boyfriend?" Maria asked. Solaire froze.

Of course, Maria already knew that Solaire swung both ways. She found out early on in their friendship, and it didn't bother her at all. But him avoiding Alfred struck her as odd. Solaire had the uncanny ability to remain good friends with ALL of his exes because of his kindhearted nature and lovable personality. He even made it a point to still keep in touch with them and somehow even managed to hook up an ex-boyfriend with an ex-girlfriend of his. This Alfred must've been a real creep if even Solaire wanted to stay away from him...

"He isn't my ex-boyfriend!" Solaire insisted, looking insulted. "It was only ONE DATE. And I ditched it halfway through! It was the ONLY date I ever ditched in my entire life! The only good thing about it was that I went home with free breadsticks!"

Maria tried so hard to keep herself from laughing. She was just so entertained by seeing Solaire freaking out so much. He NEVER acted like this. He was always calm and collected and faced problems with a smile. Still, she could relate with him, seeing how she still had to deal with Gehrman and his creepy, pathetic advances. She reached out and patted him on the shoulder, giving him a reassuring smile as well.

"There, there, big guy," she said, "At least we are free of both Gehrman and Alfred now. So... Why don't we do what we originally planned to do for today, and just enjoy ourselves while we're here?"

"C-can we go see the baby seals first, then?" Solaire asked, giving Maria puppy dog eyes.

"Sure, baby seals it is," Maria chuckled.

The two finished their food and left the restaurant, completely unaware that two pairs of eyes had been watching them from behind some potted plants. As soon as Solaire and Maria had left, Alfred and Gehrman popped out from the plants, garnering weird looks from the patrons and staff. They had followed Solaire and Maria all the way to the aquarium theme park...

"Well, did ya hear what they were talking about?" Gehrman asked Alfred as he brushed some leaves off his clothes and spat out a few that were in his mouth.

"Not really," Alfred shook his head. "They were too far away for me to hear anything. Our best bet is to follow them... From the shadows. Like ninjas."

"Yeah yeah, and that's what yer good at, right?" Gehrman said. "Well then, let's get going, whippersnapper! This wheelchair ain't gonna push itself!"

"Yes, Master Gehrman!" Alfred nodded obediently as he wheeled the old Hunter out of the restaurant.

Soon, the two Hunters had begun their pursuit. Alfred had stuffed his backpack with several Blue Elixirs and the two were rendered near-invisible. Still, the two weren't as stealthy as they'd like to be since Gehrman's wheelchair wasn't affected by the elixir at all and was still visible. So it pretty much looked like a haunted wheelchair was moving all by itself through the theme park and the guests were freaking out. Predictably, this resulted in Gehrman and Alfred attracting even more attention, and they had to retreat into the bushes not long after. Fortunately for them (and unfortunately for their targets), Solaire and Maria had just gone into the seals and sea lions nursery building, only a few feet away from the bush the two had hidden in.

"Perhaps we should consider a different strategy," Alfred suggested. "We can still use the Blue Elixirs, but we can't bring the wheelchair along... Master Gehrman, can you walk?"

"Ehh... Do I HAVE to walk? Can't you just carry me on your back?" Gehrman groaned. Of course, he was fully capably of walking. But the old coot was also a lazy-ass and much preferred getting around on his wheelchair.

"Master Gehrman, if we don't move now, they might get away!" Alfred said.

"UGH, fine!" Gehrman rolled his eyes as he stood up from his wheelchair. "I must win back my precious Maria at all costs! Let's go, Freddy Fancy-Hair!"

...

"That seal looks just like you, Solaire," Maria teased as she pointed towards a particularly plump ring seal swimming through the water.

"Aha ha ha..." Solaire laughed nervously, "Are you suggesting that I go on a diet?"

Maria shook her head and smiled. "I was saying that it looks handsome and adorable, and that's why it reminds me of you."

"... Are you trolling me again, Maria?" Solaire asked, smiling.

Maria brought her face ridiculously close to Solaire's, batted her eyelashes and gave him a playful look, indicating that she was indeed trolling him yet again. She pulled back after making him blush, then nudged him in the arm with her elbow. The two shared a hearty laugh. Solaire and Maria were clearly enjoying each other's company, just like they always did. Unbeknownst to the pair, however, they were being watched and eavesdropped on...

"Ugh, disgusting!" Alfred hissed. "That wretched Cainhurst woman! How lewd! She must've cast some dark sorceries on Solaire-senpai..."

"Hey! Watch what yer sayin' about my Maria baybeh!" Gehrman snapped. He watched the two again and gritted his false teeth. "What's so special about that Sunny Delight, anyway? What does she see in him?!"

"Well, Solaire-senpai is kindhearted, caring, supportive..." Alfred said, seemingly falling into a daze. "And he's absolutely _gorgeous_ , too! What I'd give to have a juicy piece of that hot ass—"

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Gehrman said, cringing. "Look Freddy, we just gotta accomplish this mission... Once we break 'em up, you can have your Sunny Delight, and I can have my sweet, sweet Maria again! Deal?"

"Deal!" Alfred nodded. "They're on the move again. Let's go, Master Gehrman!"

Gehrman and Alfred continued to stalk Solaire and Maria, following them to every single attraction in the park. Alfred insisted that they keep their distance from their targets so as not to get detected, but as time passed, Gehrman became more and more anxious and irritated. He was so desperate to get close to Maria that he almost blew his and Alfred's cover. Twice. The two Hunters were still using their Blue Elixirs, but Gehrman was becoming so careless that their "stealth approach" had all but become useless.

The two stalkers didn't realize it yet, but Maria was starting to become suspicious. She had felt that she and Solaire were being followed back at the freshwater aquarium building after noticing two shadows always appearing behind them. It was when she and Solaire went to the shark tunnel that her suspicions were confirmed. That particular attraction was crowded, and since visitors were carried through the whole area on a standing conveyor belt, it was nigh impossible to hide. Maria glanced behind her and saw Gehrman's trademark hat, and Alfred's hair a few inches away from it, slowly becoming visible again as the effects of the Blue Elixir were starting to wear off. She groaned.

"Hey," Maria whispered to Solaire, "Bad news, big guy."

"Oh no..." Solaire said when Maria pointed at Gehrman and Alfred in the crowd behind them. "D-do you think they were following us the whole time?"

"They likely were," Maria sighed. "This is so irritating..."

"Maybe we can lose them somehow?" Solaire said, and looked around. "Ah, but there's no other way out of this place besides the exit at the very end of the tunnel..."

"We'll have to get as far away as we can once we exit, then," Maria said, still sighing. "This is not how I imagined this day would turn out..."

"Don't worry, we'll figure something out," Solaire reassured Maria as he put an arm around her shoulder. "I promise. Until then... why don't we enjoy the rest of the tunnel?"

"Always looking at the bright side, huh?" Maria teased. "But I suppose you're right..."

Several feet behind them, in the crowd, Alfred and Gehrman were absolutely enraged at the sight of Maria giving Solaire a kiss on the cheek. Gehrman wanted to charge through the crowd and engage Solaire in a fistfight right then and there. Why, he'd harness the power of the Moon Presence if he had to, just to teach that despicable, woman-snatching whippersnapper a lesson! Alfred, on the other hand, desperately wanted to bitchslap Maria like an insecure high school girl and was making a hilarious "angry face" that made him look more constipated than anything else. He wanted to whip put Logarius' Wheel and whack that ridiculously beautiful face and sexy body that he in no way was jealous of! Still, the two stalkers couldn't do anything while they were still inside the tunnel. Meanwhile, Solaire and Maria had begun formulating a plan of escape.

Once out of the tunnel, Solaire and Maria went off to the side of the building and hid there until Gehrman and Alfred had come out as well. The two stalkers looked around, but found no trace of their targets. Gehrman cursed and began throwing a tantrum like a toddler, saying that it was all Alfred's fault that they lost the two. Alfred merely tried to guess where they could've gone next. After a few more minutes of arguing, they decided to head to whichever attraction was the closest, hoping Solaire and Maria would be there.

Back outside the shark tunnel, Solaire and Maria exchanged high-fives. They breathed a huge sigh of relief upon finally losing their pursuers. They were ecstatic! It was like the liberation of France! But they didn't have time to celebrate just yet. As long as Gehrman and Alfred were still in the park, there was no way they could enjoy themselves. If only they could think of a way to make them just give up and leave... 

It was around two in the afternoon. Six more hours before closing time. The park was huge, but that was still plenty of time for their stalkers to catch up to them if the two friends didn't act fast. By the very edge of the aquarium theme park, on a cliff overlooking the sea, Solaire and Maria sat on a bench. They looked out at the view as they ate their ice cream. The pair had begun exchanging strategies on how to get rid of their stalkers. Maria joked about burning down the park; Solaire laughed nervously, knowing that it was a very real possibility if Maria couldn't control her temper... Maria then suggested that they go to the amusement park section, pretend to go on the ferris wheel then disembark right away, leaving Gehrman and Alfred stuck at the top. Solaire thought it might be a bit too cruel, and suggested they watch a dolphin and orca show instead and lose the stalkers in the crowd. Maria agreed, and as soon as the pair had finished their ice creams, they stood up, ready to go to the dolphin stadium. The stadium was on the opposite side of the park, but was also heavily frequented by visitors, so Solaire figured it would be safe to go there. But as they were walking towards the attraction, Solaire caught a glimpse of Alfred and Gehrman angrily stomping out of the stingray pool area and heading straight towards them! Even worse, there was nowhere to run or hide!

"LOOK, THERE THEY ARE!!!" Gehrman pointed at the two.

"Shit, we've been caught!" Maria cursed.

"Looks like there's no other choice..." Solaire sighed. He turned to Maria. "RUN FOR IT!!!"

Without missing a beat, Solaire and Maria sprinted as fast as they could in the opposite direction. Alfred and Gehrman, having given up completely on their stealth approach (they had already run out of Blue Elixirs, anyway), began the pursuit. 

Solaire and Maria ran as fast as their legs could carry them, but their stalkers weren't far behind. Maria then had an idea, and told Solaire to grab her hand. She then used her Art of Quickening to effectively teleport herself and Solaire a few extra feet ahead of their pursuers. For a while, they had the advantage and it looked like they could finally lose Gehrman and Alfred. Unfortunately, Maria completely forgot that Gehrman ALSO knew the Art of Quickening, and he ALSO teleported himself and Alfred to try and catch up. She kept cursing herself for being complacent as she ran, tightly gripping Solaire's hand. It was actually quite a sight, that chase was... Several guests were amused, and thought there was some sort of impromptu tag-team marathon going on or something.

Eventually, Solaire and Maria found themselves back at the cliff overlooking the sea. The two were exhausted from all that running, and could barely stand. Maria was especially tired from spamming her Quickening so much, and nearly stumbled had Solaire not caught her. The two both tried to catch their breaths. By then, Gehrman and Alfred were only a few feet away. With only the crashing waves below and their stalkers right behind them, Maria was seriously considering making the jump. Solaire wasn't. Before he could open his mouth to tell Maria not to even think about jumping off, he heard Gehrman shout at them.

"HA! WE FINALLY CAUGHT YA!!! I HAVE YOU NOW, MARIA MY SWEET!!!"

"GEHRMAN!" Maria snapped, "WHAT THE HELL?! Why did you follow us around all day?!"

"WHY?" Gehrman repeated, "Because I want you BACK, my baby love! Come back to meh, Maria! Let's go home and you can make me a sandwich! You KNOW you want to be with me, and NOT Sunny Delight! Search your inner feelings, Maria! You know it to be true!"

"WE WERE _NEVER_ TOGETHER, GEHRMAN!" Maria shouted, "We NEVER will be!"

"Solaire-senpai, wake up!" Alfred shouted as well, "Can't you see this woman has cast some sort of demonic sorcery on you?! Come now, I'll take you back to my place, we'll have some whiskey and—"

"NO!!!" Solaire said, horrified. "I DON'T want to go with you!"

"Goddammit, Sunny Delight!" Gehrman spat at Solaire, "Just freaking go with Freddy already so I can have Maria baybeh back!"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!" Maria couldn't take it anymore. "AND STOP CALLING HIM 'SUNNY DELIGHT'!!! HIS NAME. IS. _SOLAIRE!!!_ "

_FWWWWZZZZZHHHH_

Suddenly, Gehrman's pants caught on fire and the old coot yelled at the top of his lungs as he struggled to put them out. He dropped to the ground and rolled around in the dirt... then rolled downhill and crashed into a taffy apple vending cart, rolled further downhill on the cart, and finally fell into a water fountain. This all happened in the span of 60 seconds. It was as if some long-forgotten Sumerian trickster god wanted to play a prank on Gehrman for being such a creepy dirty old man or something. Back at the top of the hill, Solaire, Alfred, and even Maria had completely dumbfounded looks on their faces. Maria looked like she almost felt sorry for what she had done. Almost.

"S-see that?!" Alfred snapped, "Look at how dangerous this Cainhurst woman can be! Imagine what she could DO to you, Solaire-senpai! You MUST stay away from her!"

"Alfred, please!" Solaire said. "Please... Just let it go already...!"

"NO!" Alfred finally lost it. He turned to Maria and yelled at her, pure vitriol in his words. "SOLAIRE-SENPAI IS COMING WITH ME!!! I WILL NOT LET HIM REMAIN YOUR PRISONER!!!"

"Alfred! Don't do this!" Solaire stood in front of Maria with his arms spread as Alfred angrily stomped closer.

"I knew I should've ground you to a pulp as soon as I laid eyes on you!" Alfred spat at Maria, "JUST LIKE WHAT I DID TO YOUR PRECIOUS QUEEN ANNALISE!!!"

"You... You did WHAT?!" Maria was shocked at what she had just heard.

Alfred's eyes narrowed. He sneered at Maria, taunting her with what he had done to her aunt. "Oh yes... You didn't know, did you? I utterly pulverized her... Ground her impure, defiled flesh into a bloody, _pink_ pulp! And by the gods... I shall do the same to YOU!"

"ALFRED, STOP!" Solaire tried to keep the insane Executioner away from Maria, but Alfred just shoved him aside.

"FILTHY CAINHURST WOMAN!!! YOU... YOU _VILEBLOOD WHORE!!!_ "

"... What did you just call her?"

"Uh-oh," Maria said nervously as she heard the shift in Solaire's voice. She held his arm, trying to calm him down. "S-Solaire...? Hey, take it easy, big guy..."

The Sunlight Warrior ignored Maria completely and walked towards Alfred.

" _What_ did you call her?" he asked Alfred again.

"Y-you heard what I said!" Alfred said, slowly becoming unnerved at seeing Solaire so angry. "S-she's just another Cainhurst bitch! A Vileblood Whore—"

_ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPP!!!_

And just like that, Solaire hit Alfred with a Lightning Spear attack. He hit him so hard the Executioner's lights literally went out. The Sunlight Warrior didn't even blink as he left his stalker unconscious on the ground, a hilarious "holy-shit-just-shat-my-pants" expression etched on his face, and smoke rising from his body. He turned towards Maria, gave her his trademark laugh, and asked if she'd like to go ride the ferris wheel now. All with a large, teddy bear-like smile on his face. Maria could only laugh. She nodded, saying that she would love to ride the ferris wheel, and she and Solaire went on their merry way.

The pair enjoyed the rest of their day at the aquarium theme park and stayed there, seeing every single attraction until it was closing time. They didn't know what had happened to their stalkers, and frankly, they didn't care. After what happened that day, Solaire and Maria hoped that Alfred and Gehrman had learned their lesson and wouldn't bother them again... OK, who were they kidding. OF COURSE Alfred and Gehrman hadn't learned their lesson and would DEFINITELY bother them again in the future. But at least the two friends now knew what to expect, and what to do when their stalkers would eventually strike again.

"Well, this day will definitely be unforgettable," Maria said in the car as Solaire drove the two of them back to their shared apartment. "Perhaps you should've taken pictures of Gehrman with his pants on fire."

"Aha ha ha ha... I don't really find much entertainment in the suffering of senile old men," Solaire said. "And... I apologize if I went overboard again, what with what I did to Alfred and all..."

"Hmph, the creep deserved it," Maria said bluntly. "And did you see how he was taunting me about what he did to Aunt Annalise? Poor fool probably doesn't know she can revive..."

"Well, I promise I won't ever let him grind you to a pulp with Logarius' Wheel," Solaire said.

"Charming, Solaire. Charming," Maria teased. "Still, that's the second time you defended me like that. It's almost as if you were my boyfriend or something."

"... Are you trolling me again, Maria?" Solaire chuckled, not taking his eyes off the road. Maria smiled.

"You know I am."


	7. Ciaran the Delinquent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciaran finds an embarrassing old photo of herself from her teenage years and remembers when she used to be a juvenile delinquent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The party scene is based off John Mulaney's stand-up comedy routine, "The One Thing You Can't Replace".

"Hey, Ciaran! Come here! Look what I found!"

Ciaran put down the box of old phonebooks and newspapers she was carrying and headed over to the bedroom, where Artorias was calling for her. Getting to the bedroom was quite tricky since the apartment was pretty much an obstacle course, what with all the junk lying around. The couple was busy doing some spring cleaning at their apartment, and every now and then they would find something interesting that could either be reused or sold. So far, Artorias had already found a brand new coffee grinder, still in the box and fully functional; a Pet Rock with a USB cable (apparently a birthday gift from Havel); his old helmet from when he was newly recruited into the Four Knights; and some of Sif's old toys. In the bedroom, Ciaran saw that the Abysswalker was sitting on the floor next to the closet, a small cardboard box next to him. Artorias smiled and excitedly beckoned his girlfriend to come closer.

"So, what'd you find, Arty?" Ciaran asked.

"Look, look!" Artorias held up an old photo, "It's a picture of us from college!"

"Oh? That was _ages_ ago!" Ciaran said.

Artorias handed over the photo, and Ciaran wasn't sure whether she was going to laugh or shudder. In the photo were Artorias, the Hunter, and herself, standing in front of the quadrangle from their university. They were still very young back then— Artorias was seventeen, the Hunter nineteen, and Ciaran twenty— and all three of them were wearing IDs with neck straps and tacky university jackets. They had large backpacks slung on their shoulders and, in the Hunter's case, was carrying a huge stack of thick books. Artorias still had bad acne and braces back then, and the Hunter still wore nerdy glasses. Ciaran herself hadn't changed much appearance-wise, but she was still noticeably thinner in the photo and not as muscular as she was now. They all looked incredibly dorky and goofy, as was expected of college freshmen.

As soon as Ciaran put down the photo, the Abysswalker excitedly shoved a few more into her hands. There were some more from their university days; the latter photos included the Doll as well since she and the Hunter became classmates during the last year before graduation. Ciaran snickered at seeing a picture of the Hunter and the Doll together at a restaurant, with the Hunter awkwardly smiling and blushing. This was a photo Artorias had taken on the Hunter and the Doll's first date, Ciaran recalled. It had been her idea to set them up...

"Hey look, thou can faintly see Lady Maria peeking out from behind that potted plant!" Artorias pointed to a far corner of the photo.

"Yeah, it's like those photos that allegedly captured ghosts or demons," Ciaran snorted.

Ciaran could only laugh out loud as she remembered the events of that night: Maria angrily popping out from the potted plant; the Hunter and the Doll freaking out; her and Maria arguing; the restaurant fire and the police; Officer Simon and Sergeant Valtr arguing over whether "Ciaran" was her real name and not her gang name or stripper name... After a while, she looked through the rest of the photos. Apart from pictures from their university days, there were also quite few photos of her and Artorias with the rest of the Four Knights. There were some older photos of her and Artorias in military training gear, too, back from when he was still a recruit and she was his mentor.

"Ah yes, I remember this..." Ciaran smirked as she looked at a photo, "This was the day Ornstein forced me into babysitting you. You were quite a spineless, snot-nosed little brat back then, huh, Artorias? I was seriously counting the days until you would just quit!"

"Ciaran..." Artorias said, looking hurt at what Ciaran had said. The Lord's Blade merely flashed him a sly smile, then gave him a playful kiss on the lips.

"Just kidding, babe," Ciaran smiled. She took another photo from the box. "Hey! This is from your 21st birthday party! Man was I hammered that night!"

"I-I think thou knowest that was a... a very special night for me..." Artorias said, blushing slightly. "That was when—"

"Yeah, that was the night I popped your cherry after you wouldn't stop bitching about Dusk breaking up with you," Ciaran said bluntly. "Well, I didn't expect you to ask me out on a date after that, but hey, things turned out fine, didn't they?"

"They sure did..." Artorias smiled, and pulled Ciaran in for a kiss.

The Lord's Blade happily obliged, and in less than five seconds the kiss had become a passionate make-out session. Artorias had laid down on the floor and pulled Ciaran on top of him as the couple continued to kiss. Artorias ran his hands down Ciaran's back and sides and even snuck in a playful slap to the rear. Ciaran was surprised, but quickly retaliated by lightly biting Artorias's ear as she ran her hands up and down his chest. After a while, the two went back to simply kissing, albeit more passionately and with some tongue involved... Honestly, had it not been for the fact that they still had a ton of cleaning to do, that would've quickly turned into something much more... Artorias looked disappointed when Ciaran pulled away from him, a smug grin on her face. She gave him one last peck on the cheek.

"OK, enough of that," Ciaran chuckled as she stood up again. "If you're done prancing through memory lane, I suggest we resume cleaning..."

"Ah wait, actually, here is another one!" Artorias held up another photo. "It's a photo of thee when thou were still living with the Painting Guardians—!"

"Wait, WHAT?" Ciaran asked flatly. "H-how did you even get this picture?!"

"Oh, I think your dads gave it to me that one time we had dinner at your place," Artorias said.

Ciaran's expression quickly changed into a frown as she looked at the photo. It was a picture of her when she was around fifteen, taken in front of a graffiti wall. She was wearing a blue-green beanie on her head. Thick black eyeliner failed to hide her bloodshot eyes. She was also wearing a faded dark green leather jacket (which Ciaran recalled stealing from a thrift store when she was thirteen), tattered jeans with paint spatters on them and equally dirty sneakers. She had a cigarette in her mouth and was holding a bottle of cheap beer in one hand, while the other was holding onto her backpack strap. A can of spray paint was poking out from the backpack. Ciaran cringed. She could barely recognize this kid— she could hardly believe this was her, twelve years ago...

This was Ciaran from her days as a juvenile delinquent.

"Well, that certainly brings back memories," Ciaran said. "... Burn it."

"Oh come now, Ciaran," Artorias laughed nervously as he scratched the back of his head, "This is part of thine history! Memories of thine youth—"

"That I'd rather forget about," Ciaran interrupted. "Seriously Arty, burn it."

"So... Does that mean thou wantst me to burn all of these as well?" Artorias asked, holding up the small cardboard box. "You know... Maybe we could hold on to these? Make an album or scrapbook, maybe show our friends..."

Ciaran shook her head. "You can keep those if you want, but THIS particular one is not meant to be seen by mortal eyes."

"So you had a _'rebellious phase'_ ," Artorias said. "I do not see why it's a big deal..."

"It's complicated," Ciaran said. "I'd rather not talk about it. Now, enough reminiscing... back to cleaning!"

Realizing he couldn't get any more responses from his girlfriend regarding the controversial photo, Artorias simply resumed cleaning the bedroom, but not before putting the small cardboard box away for safekeeping. Ciaran headed back into the living room to finish her cleaning there as well. Still, she thought of the old photo, and made up her mind that later that night, once Artorias was asleep, she would take it and burn it herself.

...

Ciaran and Artorias had finished cleaning the apartment and sorted out which items they would keep and which ones they intended to sell— Artorias had already called up Domnhall to pick those up the next morning and sell it for them. Sif was greatly enjoying the fact that he now had much more space to bounce and roll around; Ciaran was even able to find a doggie bed for him! The couple, satisfied that their apartment was now squeaky clean, had a hearty dinner of steak, baked potatoes and beans. Artorias was particularly exhausted from the day's work and gobbled up the meat like someone who tried vegetarianism for six months and then rebounded. After dinner, the couple had a quick shower, then a couple of rounds of rough romping between the sheets, and finally drifted off to sleep.

At least, Artorias had drifted off to sleep. Unbeknownst to the Abysswalker, Ciaran had woken up and gotten out of bed at around two in the morning. She headed over to the closet as quietly as possible, found the small cardboard box, and searched through the photos inside. She eventually found the photo she was looking for, and carefully took it out before placing the box back in the closet. Artorias wouldn't know a thing. As a Lord's Blade, Ciaran was exceptionally skilled at sneaking around and either stealing or planting evidence. She silently snickered to herself; this was child's play to her.

Out on the balcony, Ciaran took out the photo as well as a lighter. She looked at her young self again and shook her head. How thankful she was that she had straightened out over the years. If she had continued down this path, she probably would've been in jail by now. Hell, she probably would be DEAD from alcohol poisoning or a drug overdose. But as Ciaran brought the photo closer to the flame of her lighter, she remembered who it was who helped her become the person she was now.

...

_**Twelve years ago...** _

"O-Oh! Hello, officers. What can I do for you?"

"Good evening, sir. Is this young lady one of yours?"

The elderly Painting Guardian could only frown at the sight of two tall, intimidating Silver Knight police officers at the front door of his orphanage. With them was a teenage blonde girl in handcuffs. The old man sighed. This wasn't the first time this girl had been brought back home by the police.

Ciaran had gotten into trouble again.

"Erm, yes," the Painting Guardian nodded. "I... I'm terribly sorry... W-what did Ciaran do _this_ time?"

"We caught her vandalizing one of the walls at the public library," the first officer said. "She tried to flee the scene, but we apprehended her. When we searched the contents of her backpack, we found cans of spraypaint... But she was also in possession of a bottle of vodka, a butterfly knife, a lighter, a box of cigarettes and four marijuana brownies in a ziplock bag."

"O-Oh..." was all the Painting Guardian could say. Ciaran merely glared at the old man. "So... How many months in juvenile hall? How many hours of community service? Will she be getting an ankle brace to monitor her whereabouts and electrocute her if she goes out-of-bounds?"

"We won't know until the trial," the second officer said. "But we have already checked her records, and even though she's a repeat offender, her crimes haven't been too severe. Mostly petty thievery, vandalism and public indecency charges... If this girl wanted to be a full-time criminal, she's doing a lousy job at it."

"Hey!" Ciaran snapped at the officer, who only responded with a chuckle.

"Sir, perhaps we could come inside?" the first officer said to the Painting Guardian, "We'd really like to discuss this girl more with you."

"Ah, yes! S-sure!" the elderly Painting Guardian seemed hesitant, but nevertheless welcomed the police inside and brought them to the orphanage lobby.

Young Ciaran, still in handcuffs, was forced to sit with the men in the lobby as they talked about what to do with her. That alone was torture enough... How she desperately wanted to go back to her room, listen to some punk rock, have a beer or two and eat some more of those brownies she smuggled. Ciaran pouted and rolled her eyes when the officers asked the Painting Guardian about her background, and the geezer decided to tell her entire life story to them.

Ciaran couldn't recall ever having had any family. Apparently, she was abandoned in a vacant lot as an infant, and it was no short of a miracle that she survived the elements long enough for a passerby to find her and rush her to the nearest hospital. Unable to contact any known relatives, the infant Ciaran was handed over to the Ariamis Orphanage, where the Painting Guardians took care of her. As she grew up, Ciaran didn't really get along with the other orphans as she tender to have temper tantrums and rage issues. And while her fellow orphans were eventually taken in by foster families, nobody ever considered adopting her. By the time she had turned twelve and was no longer considered "proper adopting age", Ciaran simply gave up and accepted that she was alone and unwanted, and that would never change... It was no surprise then that the young girl grew resentful and eventually turned to petty crime, underage drinking, smoking and recreational drugs. After all, she didn't owe this world anything; why not just do whatever the hell she wanted?

Suddenly, as Ciaran was starting to tire of the conversation, the first officer spoke up.

"Sir, if it's all right with you... My partner and I would like to adopt Ciaran."

"WHAT?!" Ciaran spat.

"Eh?! W-what?!" the old man was so shocked he looked like he was going to have a heart attack. "B-but officer, didn't you hear everything I've just told you?!"

"Indeed, everything is crystal clear," the officer smiled and nodded. "Now, the trial is tomorrow, and Steve and I have seen enough of these cases to safely guess that the judge's sentence will be probation, community service, and relocation to a foster home. Since Ciaran has no known relatives and no one has ever offered to take her in... well, now seems like a good opportunity."

"Officer..." the Painting Guardian still couldn't believe what he'd heard. "Are you... absolutely sure about this...?"

"Positive," the officer nodded. He turned to Ciaran. "So, how about it, Ciaran?"

"Whatever..." Ciaran said dryly as she rolled her eyes.

And so it was decided. The next day, after the trial was over, Ciaran left the orphanage for good. She packed her bags, got into the police car, and headed for her new home with her new dads Adam and Steve.

...

Ciaran was in for a shock. She didn't know what to expect and was completely unprepared for having parents. Especially when said parents were two strict fathers who happened to be tough, 6'7" Silver Knight police officers who were both built like bears who went to war, ate the meat of their enemies and then did CrossFit with their weapons and armor. Still, as much as she found the situation intimidating, Ciaran decided not to show it and play things cool. Still being stoned off her brownies at least made Ciaran _look_ unfazed. But as soon as she stepped foot in the house, she was immediately told that there would be no more alcohol, cigarettes and drugs for her. She was also to resume her studies and start middle school. She had a strict curfew and HAD to be in bed by 10pm. The morning after her first night at the house, Ciaran was woken up by a loud whistle at 4am and made to jog a mile. Then she was made to do push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, burpees and bear crawls in the backyard. Ciaran didn't even KNOW what those last two exercises were. After that, she had a quick shower and simple breakfast and headed off to school.

That was a month ago, and Ciaran still hadn't quite gotten used to her new routine. Admittedly, she was actually starting to like her parents and found out they were both very kind people despite their appearance. She didn't want to say it, but she understood that they were being strict with her and making her do all these things to try and straighten her out. They weren't trying to punish her and always made sure she never hurt herself during training. Steve in particular was very concerned for her wellbeing and even took a day off to take care of her when she got a cold once after training in the rain. Ciaran never showed it, but she secretly liked the fact that her fathers were doing this because they cared about her. Ciaran even liked the exercise bit of her routine and found working out quite enjoyable... but she still found everything else to be a drag. She didn't like having a curfew. She didn't like having to eat vegetables. She most definitely wasn't fond of having to go to school again, having to read books, and having to do homework. Ciaran could barely make it through Ms. Kiri-something-something talk on and on and on about the Sengoku Era for one hour. Eight hours a day, five days a week seemed like an eternity.

Friday afternoon. Ciaran was immensely relieved that school was finally over for the week, and she could've practically cried tears of joy when she learned there would be no classes on Monday as well because it was a public holiday. She was on her way back home from school when she overheard some students, who looked like seniors from the adjacent high school, talking about something. It sounded like they were up to something mischievous... Ciaran grinned. She was in the mood for some mischief... It was technically the weekend already, anyway. She hid behind a bush and began to eavesdrop.

"Hey Lautrec, you going to the big party later?" a fat, brutish-looking student with dark blonde hair and an ugly bowl cut asked his classmate.

"Oh, you bet I am..." the student answered sinisterly. He had long dark hair, sunken eyes and the most psychotic smile on his face. "Time to give that asshole some well-deserved payback. Keh heh heh heh heh..."

"I heard Patches is going, too," the brutish student added. "He might tattletale if you do anything too drastic..."

"Pfft, Patches?" the psychotic-looking student snorted, "I'll drown the skinny bald runt in the booze tub before he can even say anything."

At that moment, Ciaran suddenly froze as she heard the high schooler say that familiar, wonderful word...

BOOZE.

Without a second thought, Ciaran followed the two older students to the party. She eventually found herself at a big, fancy house that apparently belonged to one of the teachers from the high school. The party itself was being thrown by the teacher's son since his parents were out of town. Ciaran easily got in despite not knowing anybody and not even being a high school student thanks to her appearance. She was overjoyed when she reached the living room and found that there was, in fact, a large inflatable pool filled with rhum and coke! There was booze EVERYWHERE. Beer, vodka, gin, sake, whiskey sodas and bourbon, you name it. And the house was absolutely crawling with teenagers and young adults who were drinking like it was the end of the world. They were drinking as if it were the American Civil War and a doctor was going to come and saw their legs off. Ciaran grinned.

"Now THIS is my kind of party..." she giddily said to herself as she grabbed a red cup and drank her first beer in a month. "Oh baaaaaaaby I missed you!"

Ciaran wasn't the only one who was having a blast at the party. A lot of the other teenagers had gone wild as well. The fat student with the ugly bowl cut found a fancy pool table in the basement, took a running start, jumped onto it and _broke the pool table in half._ The psychotic-looking student found out which room belonged to the teacher and _took a shit on his computer._ Ciaran witnessed both events, and even though the second one grossed her out and she almost puked on the floor, she still found it amusing. She didn't care that the house was being trashed; she didn't even know who the teacher was, anyway. She was just happy to drink sweet, sweet booze again. She had been without it for too long.

Unfortunately, Ciaran overestimated her body's tolerance to alcohol, and all night she had been drinking ungodly amounts of rhum and coke, beer, bourbon, basically everything the place had to offer. Naturally, all that booze was starting to take their toll and Ciaran could feel herself starting to black out a little. She was so hammered she barely noticed some of the teenagers pointing at the flashing red and blue lights at the window. The _"whee-whoo whee-whoo"_ of police sirens barely even registered to her, even though she'd heard it a thousand times in her lifetime already. And even when one student was beginning to panic and was saying, "something something POLICE", Ciaran was unfazed. And in a brilliant moment of word association, she crushed her cup in her hand, smashed it on the ground and stepped on it, and started yelling:

"FUCK DA POLICE!!! _FUCK DA POLICE!!!_ "

And everybody else joined in. Soon, a hundred drunk teenagers were smashing cups on the ground and yelling "Fuck DA police!" at the top of their lungs. All with the confidence of people who've already been to jail and weren't afraid of it anymore. Well, except for Ciaran, none of them have ever actually been to jail. Still, the inebriated crowd kept on chanting. Drinking, and chanting, and drinking, and chanting...

And then it turned out the reason someone had said, "something something POLICE"... was because _the police were there._ Even worse, the Silver Knight police who arrived were none other than Ciaran's new parents! It was then that it finally dawned on Ciaran just what exactly was happening, and the biggest, most hilarious "oh shit" expression formed on her face. She tried to hide when she saw her dad Adam walk down the stairs to the basement. But even though Adam was essentially looking out into a sea of drunk toddlers, all yelling "Fuck DA police!" in his face (he was almost impressed, by the way), he immediately recognized his daughter among them. The officer could only sigh. He pulled out his walkie-talkie, leaned into it, and began explaining the situation to Steve, who was waiting in the car.

"Yeah, we got a bit of a situation here, codes 390, 390D, 415, 507 and 594... Requesting for backup. _Get the paddy wagon!_ "

After putting down his walkie-talkie, Adam turned to his daughter and gave her the most piercing glare. He walked down the stairs and started walking straight towards her. In a state of utter panic, Ciaran grabbed a nearby beer bottle, smashed it on the ground and yelled, _"SCATTER!!!"_

And everyone ran in different directions. Everybody was running around like a bunch of confused mice in the kitchen. Ciaran used the opportunity to try and get away from her dad, who was on the pursuit. Ciaran made her way to the laundry room, jumped up onto the washing machine and crawled out a small window which led out the backyard. Frantically running through the backyard (which was almost as big as a freaking football field), Ciaran eventually found a high stone wall— the only thing standing in her way.

"Aww man, I've never climbed a wall that high before...!"

That was the last thing Ciaran thought of before finally passing out from intoxication.

The next morning, she woke up in the woods.

...

Ciaran woke up to the first rays of sunlight. It was early morning, and here she was, lying somewhere in the middle of the forest. Her head was still throbbing from all that alcohol she drank last night. She turned to her side and vomited explosively. Was she really in the woods? She rubbed her eyes, pinched her arms, even slapped herself a few times to make sure she was really awake. She was. She looked around, then looked at the ground and found a small backpack lying next to her. It contained a knife, a piece of metal attached to a string— which Ciaran recalled her dad Steve referred to as a "firestarter flint", a bottle of water, a stainless steel cup, and a folded note. Ciaran unfolded the note and began reading; her eyes widened with shock when she saw what was written on the piece of paper.

_"Ciaran, we are very disappointed in you._  
_You have 36 hours to survive in this forest and make it back to the main road._  
_Understand that we're doing this for your own good. Best of luck!"_

Ciaran couldn't believe it. They had abandoned her. Her fathers abandoned her! They had left her in the woods to DIE! Immediately she started kicking and cursing. She was so stupid for trusting them, for thinking that they actually CARED about her! No, they threw her away just like everyone else! Ciaran could feel intense anger boiling up inside of her. She could feel tears stinging at her eyes and for a moment she considered taking the knife from the backpack and just killing herself. In the end, she was all alone. She always had been, always will be...

But then, Ciaran suddenly stopped and was lost in thought. Something didn't make sense. Initially, it _looked_ like Adam and Steve had left Ciaran in the woods to die, but after thinking for a bit, she realized they actually _hadn't_. The backpack, the flint, the water, the cup... even the knife she was holding in her very hand... No, her fathers didn't expect her to die, they expected her to SURVIVE. They expected her to FIGHT. They believed that she could make it out of the forest all by herself with only minimal tools and the knowledge they had imparted on her. They believed in her!

At that moment, Ciaran finally wiped the tears from her eyes. She grabbed the backpack, stood up, and smiled.

"36 hours to survive, huh?" she said to herself, "All right, let's do this."

With that, Ciaran officially started her 36-hour countdown as she walked through the forest. Keeping in mind everything her parents had taught her in the last month, she made it her first priority to find a river and follow it downstream. After a few hours of walking and foraging for whatever food she could find along the way, she managed to locate a stream and followed the current. She also made sure to refill her water bottle, but didn't drink it right away, knowing that the water wasn't safe to drink until it was boiled properly. For that, she needed a fire, and she needed to get one started, fast. The sun was already beginning to set and Ciaran was getting exhausted. She found a spot under the shade of a large tree and decided to make that her shelter for the night, then started working on her fire. Admittedly, she found the flint irritating to use and just couldn't get the right rhythm to create a spark. But after several tries, she finally started a fire and it was a tremendous boost in morale for her! Ciaran realized she was actually not so bad at this wilderness survival stuff... For the first time in her life, she was good at something, and that made her feel like she wasn't completely useless.

The next morning, Ciaran was confident in her abilities, and continued her search for the main road. She refilled her water bottle and foraged for fruits and berries whenever she could, but was 100% focused on getting to her destination before her time ran out. Ciaran had never felt so motivated, so determined before. All she could think of was accomplishing her "mission", and that drove her on. A sense of purpose... so this was what it felt like to have one. 

And before Ciaran knew it, she made it out of the forest and reached the road, with two hours to spare! To her surprise, she found her dads' car waiting for her. Steve was the first to approach Ciaran, worriedly asking her if she had any allergies or injuries. Ciaran chuckled and said she was fine as she gave her dad a hug, which quite frankly surprised Steve but he nevertheless returned the gesture. When Adam approached, Ciaran, without realizing it, apologized profusely for her behavior. Adam shrugged and shook his head, then bent down and gave her a hug as well.

Ever since that incident, Ciaran grew to love and respect her parents, and began to actively work on kicking her old bad habits. She stopped smoking and doing drugs, and gave up on alcohol until she was of legal drinking age. And even then, she never went overboard like she used to. Hell, Ciaran even started doing better in school, if only slightly. She found a better outlet for her anger issues through various martial arts, weightlifting and circuit training. Ciaran was particularly fond of martial arts that employed dual-wielding blades, and it wasn't long before that became her signature style. 

By the time she was eighteen, a friend of her fathers' named Dragon Slayer Ornstein saw her potential and recruited her into the Four Knights. At around the same time, Ciaran also gained the title of Lord's Blade, finally putting her skills to good use. It wasn't long before she became a bonafide Knight and even took on an apprentice, Artorias. At her promotion ceremony, Ciaran looked out at the audience and saw her parents beam with pride. Indeed, she had come a long way...

...

_**Present day...** _

Ciaran had put away the lighter and was looking at the old photo of her. She decided not to burn it after all, after reminiscing about everything that had happened since then. If the photo had done anything, it had at least reminded her of her dads and how they helped her become the person she was now. Ciaran smiled as she turned around and headed back to her and Artorias's bedroom. She opened the closet, put the photo back in the box, and closed the closet again. She sighed before crawling back into bed and cozing up to Artorias.

"Hmm? Ciaran?" Artorias said, half-asleep as he felt Ciaran snuggle against him. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong," Ciaran said as she kissed the Abysswalker on the cheek. "In fact, everything's great. I'm happy with how everything turned out... I wouldn't trade it for anything..."

"Er... Ciaran?" Artorias asked again, "Are thou sure thou art OK?"

Ciaran could only smirk as she nuzzled Artorias affectionately, then kissed him on the mouth. Artorias decided not to question the situation anymore and returned the kiss, and for the rest of the night, the couple engaged in their favorite activity without a care in the world.


	8. Return to the Hotsprings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer's just around the corner and the gang decides to return to the hotsprings for a weekend vacation. Garl Vinland is especially excited, and anxious, because he has a big surprise for Maiden Astraea when they get there...

"Morning, everybody! Are we all set to go?"

The Good Hunter smiled as his friends all nodded enthusiastically. The gang had all gathered together and were ready to go on an outing for the long weekend; their first big outing for the year, in fact. Indeed, everyone was excited and ready to go. The Doll brought her and the Hunter's new camera. Artorias had a portable barbecue grill with him, while Sif carried the coolers for the meat and drinks on his back. The Slayer of Demons brought a separate cooler specifically for booze, while the Maiden in Black had several bags of chips with her. Ciaran had brought her Cards Against Humanity Spawn of Satan Deluxe Edition deck, which she deviously flashed at a horrified Rhea. The Chosen Undead could only glare at Ciaran as he comforted his girlfriend with a chocolate bar. The Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald once again volunteered their mini-bus for the transportation. And Shalquoir tagged along because she wanted to. 

Lady Maria was also there, having hung out with the rest of the gang for some time now and no longer uncomfortable around the group. The Hunter noticed that she seemed especially happy to go on this trip for some reason... She had a rather uncharacteristically wide smile on her face and was tightly gripping her duffel bag. Of course, Maria being Maria, she tried to hide her excitement and keep an even face. She actually looked kind of dorky doing that. Solaire could only chuckle. Well, the Hunter thought, Maria could be as excited as much as she wanted as long as she didn't set anything on fire...

The sun had just begun to rise that Saturday morning. Spring was coming to an end and summer was just around the corner. Since it was getting warmer but wasn't scorching hot, it was an excellent time to go on a weekend trip to the mountains. In fact, the gang was going back to Amagi Inn and Hotsprings, the same one they had visited last summer. Amagi-san was more than happy about this since they were, after all, the same people who defeated the demon robot of the Abyss last year and pretty much saved the freaking world. The hostess gladly said that they were always welcome at her inn, and promptly reserved the rooms for them.

"So, you got the reservations, Evetta?" the Hunter asked the Doll.

"Right here, Good Hunter," the Doll nodded, pulling the reservations out of her bag. "Do not worry, I'm sure we haven't forgotten anything this time around."

"Good. Gotta make sure everything goes great on this trip..." The Hunter said. He then turned his head and gave Garl Vinland a sideways wink. The knight gave him an awkward smile and nervously returned the wink.

You see, the group had another important reason for this outing: Garl was planning to propose to Maiden Astraea.

One Friday night, about two weeks ago, Garl suddenly called his friends and asked them to meet with him at the café, saying it was urgent. The gang arrived to see Garl sitting alone at a table, with Astraea nowhere in sight. Garl noticed the worried looks on his friends' faces, and reassured them, saying everything was fine and that Rhea and the Chosen Undead had taken Astraea shopping upon his request. With a deep breath, he explained his reason for calling them up, and was met with reactions ranging from surprise to "about damn time". Garl and Astraea had been close friends since childhood, having known each other since they were both four years old, and had been a couple for the past _fifteen years._ There had been a few bumps on the road every now and then, but overall, their relationship was a strong, happy and loving one. Garl felt he and Astraea were ready to take things to the next level, and he wanted to make it official. Insisting that he was ready and 100% sure of his decision, Garl said he wanted the occasion to be special, but was understandably nervous and wasn't sure how to go about it.

So, for about two hours, the group discussed which plan of action Garl should take. Solaire initially suggested he light up a series of bonfires that spelled out, "Will you marry me?" but realized it would take a lot of effort and Garl wasn't really the bonfire type. Maria dryly added that he could get sued for arson if that attempt went horribly wrong. And Maria knew a lot about being sued for arson... The Hunter then suggested writing down the question _on the moon_ and said he could use his Great One powers to do it... Only to be shot down by the Doll and everybody else because the Moon Presence might misinterpret the message and think Garl was proposing to _her_ instead. Artorias said he could try putting the ring in Astraea's milkshake, which Garl seriously considered for a while. And then Ciaran reminded him of that incident where the woman swallowed the ring.

Suggestions were thrown back and forth, but none of them really felt right to Garl. After a while, the Slayer of Demons sighed and said he should just pop the question somewhere nice and quiet, but comfortable for both him and Astraea. He then joked that maybe the hotsprings would be a good location, and Garl, much to his surprise, agreed and said that it was a great idea!

And so it was decided. The gang would go back to the hotsprings. Not only would they be able to have a nice weekend vacation, but Garl would also be able to have a nice place to pop the question to Astraea. It was like killing two birds with one stone. So here they all were, standing outside the Hunter and the Doll's apartment building, in front of that familiar bright green mini-bus. It was kind of like deja vu, really.

"C'mon, guys! Let's get going already!" the Slayer of Demons said, "How much longer do we hafta wait here, anyway? Are we waitin' for anybody? Everyone's already here!"

"Patience, dear," the Maiden in Black chuckled and held onto her boyfriend's arm. "Thou mustn't forget, we have other guests with us—"

"Ah good, you didn't leave without us this time, Hoonter!"

Everyone turned their heads as if on cue, and hesitantly looked at three Old Hunters and a Cathedral Giant with a speedboat strapped to its back slowly approaching the group. Eileen the Crow was in the lead, power-walking towards them as if she were expecting the gang to scramble into the vehicle and speed off without them. Djura and Ludwig weren't far behind. This time, though, the oldtimers weren't _unwanted_ guests. They really were coming along.

"Hi Eileen..." the Hunter said. "And hi, Djura, Ludwig. You, uh... You guys ready to go?"

"Damn right we are," Eileen said. "There was no way I'd let you leave me behind this time. I don't much care for hotsprings, but I heard that place has a newly renovated bingo hall!"

"I-is that so..." the Hunter said again, "Uh... What's the prize this year?"

"No idea," Eileen said flatly. "But whatever it is, I'm going to win it!"

"Don't get carried away by the bingo, Eileen!" Djura patted Eileen on the back. "Don't forget, we're going on this trip for Djura's Birthday Celebration: The Sequel!"

The night before the trip, the Hunter and the Doll were packing their things when Djura suddenly called to _kindly_ remind the couple that he had just turned 80 a few days ago and was _patiently_ waiting for them to make up for not attending his pool party. Not that he was "pressuring" them or anything... And then the Doll had the brilliant idea of suggesting that the Hunter bring Djura, Ludwig and Eileen on the trip. Gehrman was apparently unavailable, though. Djura didn't go into much detail, but he mentioned the words "attempted decapitation", "Sunny Delight", "Maria", and "third-degree burns". The Hunter could only cringe at the implications.

Still, the Hunter protested. WHY should they bring the three elderly Hunters along? This trip was supposed to be for their group of friends, and _especially_ for Garl. And besides, that already happened the last time they were at the hotsprings and the Hunter didn't want to deal with a recycled plot. Without missing a beat, the Doll said in a completely deadpan and matter-of-fact manner that they could take their speedboat for a spin at the lake near the inn and maybe go fishing or something. She had him there. Defeated, the Hunter had no choice but to agree.

Really, he was just secretly hoping the seniors would say "no" or change their minds about going on this outing altogether. But now that Eileen, Djura and Ludwig had made it to their group with all their "I'm-going-on-this-trip-and-you-can't-stop-me" gear ready, he sighed and simply hoped the oldtimers would just behave this time around. And preferably, try not to murder each other or the rest of the senior citizens in the bingo hall. Well, at least Gehrman wasn't with them. Lord knows how disastrous Garl's proposal would've gone if the old geezer was around.

Once everyone was onboard the mini-bus, the Bearer of the Curse started the engine. The Old Hunters were traveling to the hotsprings separately, once again using Poochie the Cathedral Giant as their means of transportation. The green mini-bus led the way, with the oldtimers and the Cathedral Giant following it. The drive to the mountains was a pleasant one, with the group of friends all laughing and sharing stories, passing around a big bag of chips and having a few sodas. Much like the last time, the view was simply exquisite— the sight of scenic rivers and rice fields bathed in the morning sunlight could never get old.

"Evetta, look! Nara deer!" the Hunter excitedly pointed to two stags butting heads near the side of the road as he snapped photos. "Huh. Looks like mating season arrived late this year. Ideally they should be having fawns by now..."

"Hey, don't pressure them into having kids if they're not ready!" Ciaran snarked from a sleeping Artorias's lap.

"Very funny, Ciaran," the Hunter said as he took some more photos. 

"Just saying. The economy is very unstable nowadays," Ciaran snarked again.

The Doll could only laugh in amusement. "Still, it's great seeing them up-close, isn't it, Good Hunter? Definitely better than just watching them on TV..."

"Wait, you two are _still_ doing your strange after-dinner animal show thing?" Maria suddenly asked as she gave the couple weird looks.

"Why yes, Maria," the Doll replied. "Old habits die hard, after all."

"I just don't understand what it is with you two and wildlife," Maria shrugged. She then turned to the Hunter and glared. "As long as you aren't brainwashing her into doing... weird... animal... things..."

"M-Maria, we love animals, but not in THAT way..." the Hunter said awkwardly.

"Aha ha ha ha! Oh come now, Maria!" Solaire chuckled. "To each his own! Besides, you like to watch those documentaries about famous swordsmen every Wednesday night after dinner, don't you?"

"Touché," was all Maria could say. She let the Hunter and the Doll return to photographing the deer, then rested her head on Solaire's shoulder and yawned. "Hey, I'm going to rest for a bit. Wake me up when we get there, big guy?"

"Sure, no problem!" Solaire smiled and began to gently stroke Maria's hair. Maria gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before closing her eyes and drifting off. Not long after, Solaire rested his head against hers and fell asleep, too.

Meanwhile, everyone else in the vehicle was looking at them as if they had just stumbled upon their grandmother's secret stash of 1970s porn magazines and Rocky Horror fanfiction. The Emerald Herald uncomfortably looked away and buried her nose in her map, as if focusing on the mountain road that would take them to Amagi Inn and Hotsprings. Rhea let out a silent squeal, then buried her red face in her hands while the Chosen Undead looked on completely dumbfounded for a while before looking away as well. Ciaran looked like a deer in the headlights that was thirty seconds away from being hit by a truck. Was... was Solaire...? Were he and Maria...? The thought was just so ridiculous Ciaran almost felt as if she were on drugs again. That PSA with the fried eggs came to mind.

"Weeeeeeeeell, ain't that interestin'..." the Slayer of Demons said, a mischievous grin forming on his face. "Looks like 'ole Solaire here got bit by the love bug."

"B-But... With Lady Maria? Seriously?!" the Chosen Undead said, unable to contain himself from cringing. "Maybe it's not what it looks like?"

"Oh?" the Slayer of Demons smirked. "Wanna bet they're actually dating and just hiding it from us? Or at the very least, that they're gonna end up dating. Bet ya fifty bucks they are."

The Maiden in Black saw that familiar mischievous look in her boyfriend's eyes and tried to intervene. "Lucian honey, let's not turn our friends' love life into a—"

"Fifty bucks, eh?" Ciaran suddenly approached the two. "Well, I bet against it. I bet you a hundred bucks those two _won't_ end up together."

"Ohohoho!" the Slayer looked Ciaran in the eye, accepting the challenge. "You are ON, woman! All right! I officially declare this betting pool... OPEN!"

"B-betting pool?!" the Maiden in Black blurted out. "Really?! You're having a betting pool over Solaire and Maria dating?"

"C'mon, babe, it'll be fun!" the Slayer said, standing up on his seat and waving the money in his right hand. "Fifty if you're for it! A hundred against!"

The Maiden in Black realized there was no stopping the Slayer now. She took out a fifty from her pocket, sighed, and leaned back against her seat. Better to lose fifty than a hundred, anyway...

"Honestly, Slayer..." Garl groaned and shook his head. "You like to make wagers on EVERYTHING.

"Heh, just having a little fun, Garl!" the Slayer grinned and counted his money.

"Just..." Garl said, still sighing, "Try not to manipulate Solaire and Maria so things go in your favor..."

"Well, well, Garl, you seem to be taking this quite lightly," Astraea teased. "If this had happened last year, you would've probably tried to smash his head in with your hammer. I'm amazed how close you two have gotten, really. I'm a little jealous, really..." She let out a chuckle, suddenly making Garl feel embarrassed.

"D-don't say embarrassing things, Dearest Astraea!" Garl said, flustered by his girlfriend's teasing. "Y-you know you are the most important person in my life!"

"I was just joking, honey," Astraea smiled and kissed him on the lips. "But that was awfully sweet of you to say. I can't wait till we get to the hotsprings again!"

"Wait till you see what else he's got in store..." the Slayer of Demons muttered to himself.

Before the gang knew it, they had arrived at the rest stop that marked the halfway point. After quickly refreshing themselves, they continued up the road that led to the inn in the mountains.

...

"Hello, Amagi-san! We're baaaaaaaaaack!!!"

Artorias was the first to enter the inn, happy to be in the familiar reception hall and seeing those polished wooden pillars, potted bamboo plants and smooth wooden floor again. Sif practically came whooshing in behind him, wagging his tail enthusiastically while his humungous paws were sliding across the floor. Shalquoir was the next to come in, but she immediately darted towards the sushi bar after giving the hostess a rather brief "Hello". The rest of the gang followed soon after, and once they were all inside, the hostess Amagi-san gladly greeted them.

"Welcome back to the inn!" Amagi-san said with a smile. "It is very good to see all of you again!"

"It is good to see you, Amagi-san," the Doll greeted the hostess. "You seem to be doing well. How are the new grandchildren?"

"Wait, how do you know she has new grandchildren...?" the Hunter asked, giving his girlfriend a curious eyebrow.

"Oh, Ms. Evetta and I have been conversing online for a while now," Amagi-san explained. "And to answer your question, they're doing great! I only sleep four hours a night now, but that's just how it is... By the way, love that new landscape painting you posted!"

"Why, thank you!" the Doll smiled. She then leaned in closer and whispered, "Actually, that's concept art for an upcoming film... Do not tell anyone."

"A-anyway, thanks for having us at such short notice," the Hunter said as he put the payment and room reservations on the counter. "So, uh, how've things been going? Everything OK? No robot demon attacks lately?"

"None, thanks to you," the hostess chuckled. "We have been getting busier here at the inn lately, though. We've recently added new rooms and facilities and, due to popular demand, added a new private hotspring for couples... Perhaps that may be useful to Mr. Vinland and his plan... I've already granted your group access to that spring, just in case."

"Oh, nice!" the Hunter smiled. "Thanks a bunch, Amagi-san!"

"Always a pleasure," Amagi-san nodded. "Ah, anyway, here are your room keys. Let me know how the big plan goes. And if you need catering for the wedding, you know who to call!"

The middle-aged lady then leaned to the side and gave Garl a wide smile and a thumb's up in the most unsubtle way possible. Garl could only smile back, and was thankful Astraea was looking somewhere else. He just hoped nobody would ruin the surprise with their conspicuous behavior.

"OK guys, come get your room keys here," the Hunter said. "So, same bunk buddies as last time?"

"Obviously. Don't wanna mess up the status quo," Ciaran said dryly, then looked suggestively at Artorias.

Thankfully, the Hunter had anticipated being stuck in the same room with Artorias and Ciaran again. He promptly spent the last few weeks practicing how to use his Great One power to cancel out noise. He and the Doll would be safe this time around.

Once again, the Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald shared their room with the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black. The Chosen Undead, Rhea, Solaire and Maria were bunking together. Eileen, Djura and Ludwig took the room that was the closest to the bingo hall. And Garl and Astraea had a specially-reserved deluxe room all to themselves. After getting their respective keys, the vacationers headed down the long hallway to their rooms. While they were walking, Garl let the Maiden in Black chat up Astraea and stayed behind to talk to the Hunter.

"Hey, Hunter..." Garl whispered, "I appreciate you going to all the trouble to book these facilities for Dearest Astraea and I. I really do... But, don't you think she'll get just a tad bit suspicious? I mean, the two of us are clearly getting the special treatment here..."

"Relax, Garl," the Hunter reassured him. "There's nothing to worry about. Besides, _you're_ the one who's in charge of the show. I mean, the important thing is the ring and the question itself, right? We're just here to help set the mood."

"I suppose you're right," Garl said. "I'm probably just... nervous."

"It'll be fine, Garl," the Hunter patted the knight on the shoulder. "Ah, here's our room. Yours should be a bit further down the hall. I think Evetta and I are going to rest for a while. See you in a bit!"

"Right, see you," Garl said, and ran over to Astraea to catch up with her once the Hunter, the Doll, Artorias and Ciaran entered their own room.

"Oh, there you are, Garl," Astraea said. "Everything all right? You have your worried face on again."

"Oh, um, everything's fine!" Garl answered nervously. "I was just talking to the Hunter about the inn. So... Shall we go see our room?"

"A bit too early for that, don't you think?" Astraea teased. "It's barely 10 in the morning. But... All right. I'm game if you are."

"N-no, I didn't mean it like that..." Garl blushed as he tried to speak, but Astraea didn't let him finish. Instead, she pulled him in for a kiss and brought him inside the room. Garl didn't think to protest, and simply shut the door behind them. Might as well put their deluxe private room to good use...

...

1:30pm. The vacationers had just finished having lunch and were now walking around, checking out the various facilities of the inn and the other areas in the mountains. The Hunter and the Doll wanted to take photos of the surrounding woods. Artorias and Ciaran went with them and brought Sif along for a walk. Astraea had gone with the Maiden in Black, Rhea and the Chosen Undead to a nearby shrine to do some sightseeing. Solaire and Lady Maria opted to stay in their room and watch some movies on Solaire's laptop. The Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald had quickly gone to buy some Green Tea Kitkats at the souvenir store, then decided to have a quiet walk together in one of the mountain trails. That left Garl and the Slayer of Demons alone at the koi pond area, bored out of their minds and trying to have a "fish race" to pass the time.

"Looks like I'm winning," the Slayer said with a yawn. "My fish just crossed the finish line."

"No, that's my fish," Garl yawned as well. "Yours is white with orange spots. Mine is orange with black spots."

"Dude... These koi all look alike," the Slayer realized. "Gods I'm bored. Maybe we shoulda just come along with our girlfriends to that shrine, huh?"

"Perhaps," Garl said, "But this gives me some time to think. So, I've been thinking of... well... popping the question sometime around midnight. Any suggestions?"

Before the Slayer of Demons could answer, the two men were suddenly approached... by the Old Hunters Djura and Ludwig, of all people. Apparently, Eileen had already long since disappeared into the innermost depths of the bingo hall. Djura and Ludwig weren't quite in the mood for bingo at the moment and wanted to go fishing at the lake instead. Problem was, they wanted others to come with them. Since nobody else was available, they asked the two knights if they wanted to go. Not wanting to be rude to the elderly, Garl and the Slayer didn't really have a choice but to say yes.

And so, the two knights ended up in a speedboat in the middle of the lake with two senior citizens. The younger men were left to entertain themselves while the oldtimers swapped stories from their Hunter days. Unfortunately for the Slayer of Demons, he found being at the lake _even more boring_ and after fifteen minutes was reduced to dipping a lure into the water, pulling it out, setting it on fire with Pyromancy, and then putting it back in the water. Over, and over, and over again. Garl, on the other hand, found being there quite relaxing. It was tranquil and the cool breeze blowing across the lake was soothing. Being in such a calm environment helped him think. The cleric knight was deep in thought as he wrote down notes on a small pocket notebook— his battle plan for the big question at midnight.

"Aaaaaaahhhh, now this is the life," Djura said as he stretched his arms behind his back. "What do you think we'll catch, JoorJoor?"

The tiny monkey beast popped out from under Djura's shirt and gave him a series of odd chattering noises and raspberries. Apparently, that was beast speak for "rainbow trout". Or "salmon". Honestly it's hard to tell.

"Well, I'm not picky about what I catch," Ludwig said, "As long as it looks like a fish and doesn't have any human or dog parts, I'm happy. So boys, do any of you want to try your hand at the rod?"

"That sounds so wrong," the Slayer muttered under his breath.

"Um, in a minute, Mr. Ludwig," Garl said, looking up from his notebook. "Just finishing up some notes."

"What, you studying for a test or something?" Djura said as he looked over his shoulder. "I thought you young'uns were on 'vacay-cay'?"

"Dude," the Slayer suddenly said, "Don't ever use that word again."

"Well, there's something big I'm planning for later tonight," Garl said. "I find writing things down helps organize my thoughts."

"Not me! I like to live in the moment!" the Slayer interruped again, before turning his attention back to his flaming lure game.

"Planning to surprise someone?" Ludwig asked. "Let me guess... You're going to propose to your girlfriend, right?"

"Y-yes," Garl said. "... It's... It's that obvious, isn't it?"

"Well... Yes," Ludwig said, smiling sheepishly. "Ah, but don't worry! I'm sure everything will go great. Just try not to have a life-sized doll modeled after your lady. It isn't a very good idea."

"Right. I'll... keep that in mind," Garl said politely, but inwardly unsure of what to think about the Holy Blade's advice.

"Hey Garl, that reminds me! What kinda ring did ya get?" the Slayer of Demons asked, trying to look over Garl's shoulder and see where he was hiding the engagement ring. "Is it like the kind you see on TV with the huge fancy diamond on it? C'mon, let me see!"

"Not now, Slayer!" Garl said, irritated. "You can have a look later, but not here! I don't want to accidentally drop it!"

"H-hey! HEY!" Djura suddenly started shouting as he saw his fishing rod shaking like crazy. "I got a bite! It's a big one! Ludwig, help me out here!"

"Oh, I hope this is just a really big normal fish and not... you know!" Ludwig said as he helped Djura reel in the fish.

"Geez, it's HEAVY!" Djura groaned. "Well, the three of us are gonna be eating like kings tonight, at least!"

Ludwig grabbed onto Djura and pulled him backwards to help pull in the fish. "But there's already a sushi bar at the— whoa!"

Suddenly, the rod jerked from Djura's hand and he and Ludwig crashed onto the side of the speedboat. The fish was putting up a fight!

"D-do you need help?" Garl asked, worried about the two old men possibly falling into the lake. He turned to the Slayer of Demkns and told him to quit his flaming lure game. "Come on, Slayer! They need our help!"

Soon, all four men had formed a human chain and used their combined strength to bring Djura's fish in. The two Old Hunters huffed and wheezed; clearly they were no longer in good shape and couldn't handle the tug-of-war by themselves. But even the Slayer and Garl had trouble reeling that thing in, and they were fifty years younger! They weren't sure if this was just a really big fish, or if the hook had snagged on the remains of Soulsborneon somehow and they were actually pulling the giant robot in...

"Just a bit more! HEAVE!!!" Ludwig yelled. He and Djura could already see the fish's fins breaking the surface. 

"That must be a giant eel or something!" Djura said, noticing the fish was a lot larger and a lot longer than he expected. "Well, save the leftovers for tomorrow then!"

"Wait a minute...!" the Slayer gasped as the "fish" finally emerged from the water. "Th-that's no fish! It's... It's..."

Six long-necked heads broke the surface of the water, followed by a loud roar and a gust of wind. The creature that emerged was absolutely HUGE and easily dwarfed the speedboat. It was then that the men realized whar Djura had hooked. It had scales and fins, sure, but it was definitely NOT a fish...

"HYDRAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

"LUDWIG, GET US OUTTA HERE!!!" Djura yelled as he frantically tossed his fishing rod into the water. Ludwig wasted no time and slammed his foot on the gas pedal, trying to put as much distance between the monster and the speedboat as possible. Evidently the hydra didn't enjoy being disturbed and reeled in... It began moving its huge flippers, and chased after the boat.

"No no no no no!" the Slayer of Demons shrieked as he blasted fireballs at the pursuing hydra. "Stay away! Stay back! You don't wanna eat us! WE'RE NOT KOSHER!!!"

The Slayer's fireballs did no good. They simply bounced off the monster and only served to irritate it further. The speedboat wasn't far from shore, but the hydra was quickly gaining speed. For some reason, all six heads were focused on Garl... Without warning, one of the heads charged at the speedboat and tried to eat him!

"Oh, shit!" Garl yelled as he saw the head coming towards him.

Garl only barely managed to roll away. But as soon as he dodged one head, another caught him by his shirt collar and pulled him upwards. The cleric knight kicked and punched frantically, trying to break free from the monster before it could open its mouth and swallow him. Garl broke free at the expense of his chibi squid printed shirt, but he barely had five seconds to stop and catch his breath when _yet another_ hydra head lunged at him. At that point, the Slayer of Demons and Djura had pitched in to help. Garl had no idea why the hydra was targeting him specifically, but he had no time to think about that! He kicked one of the heads on the snout, while the Slayer of Demons used Great Combustion and aimed for the monster's eyes. It still wasn't quite as effective as he'd hoped, but that at least bought them enough time to escape! After what felt like an eternity, the speedboat finally reached the lakeshore, and the hydra began to retreat.

"Yeah, that's right!" the Slayer of Demons yelled at the monster while hurling a few more fireballs at it, "You turn tail and run, you cowardly mass of gummy worms!"

"That... was too close!" Ludwig said, panting. "That things makes fish people and fish dogs look tame in comparison! Djura, are you all right?"

"Y-yeah, I'm fine!" Djura sat on the shore and clutched JoorJoor tightly. "Well. I certainly wasn't expecting that! I just wanted to catch some fish!"

"Garl, you OK bro?" the Slayer asked. "Geez, what happened back there? That hydra was looking at you like Lady Maria staring at a double cheese steak burrito!"

"I... I have no idea!" Garl said, trying to catch his breath.

"Maybe it thought that shirt you were wearing was food?" that Slayer said, scratching the back of his head. "I mean, it turned around and left after it got your shirt, so..."

"Don't be ridiculous, Slayer!" Garl said. "Hydras are stupid, but I don't think they're that stu— Hey... Wait... MY SHIRT!"

"Dude," the Slayer sighed, "I know that shirt had adorable chibi squid on it, but you gotta let go! Be thankful that hydra didn't eat YOU instead!"

"No no no, it's not that!" Garl said, quickly beginning to lose his cool at the sudden realization. "My shirt... The front pocket... The ring was in my shirt pocket!

"Oh shit!" the Slayer said, struck by the same realization. "Th-that means..."

"THAT HYDRA ATE MY ENGAGEMENT RING!!!"


	9. Countdown to Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garl has lost his ring, but luckily his friends are there to help him come up with a backup plan. With the new plan in place, all that's left to do is count the hours until midnight...

"No no no no no! This can't be happening! What am I going to do?!"

Garl Vinland was pacing back and forth on the lakeshore, still unable to believe his stroke of bad luck. A hydra had swallowed his engagement ring. Just the thought of it was absurd. It was like the plot of a cheap anime filler episode. Of all the ways he could have possibly lost the ring, it just had to be this one. He could've dropped the ring into the koi pond and had one of the fish shallow it. But noooo, a _hydra_ swallowed his engagement ring. Not even Astraea would believe him if he tried to explain THAT one... 

The cleric knight was trying his best not to panic and think of a backup plan. Still, he couldn't help but wonder if the monster was targeting his ring _on purpose_. All of its heads were actively attacking him and pretty much ignored all the other people in the speedboat, after all. But if it was targeting just him specifically, WHY?! What the heck would a hydra want with an engagement ring?! Garl was confused and absolutely devastated at his misfortune. As if losing his chibi squid printed shirt wasn't enough...

"Cruel Lord!" Garl cursed at the sky, "Why must you torment me so?!"

"H-hey man, come on..." the Slayer of Demons tried to cheer up his fellow knight, "I'm sure we can still think of something!"

"But... My ring..." Garl practically collapsed on the ground, spirit lights floating pathetically around him.

"Err... Was that ring _absolutely_ necessary?" Djura asked. "I mean, my pa proposed to my ma with a Pthumeru Ihyll Chalice, and Ludwig tried to propose to Henriett with one, too—"

"L-let's not bring up that incident please!" Ludwig interrupted, looking a little red-faced.

"Anywho, I say you go ahead with your proposal even without the ring!" Djura smiled. "Besides, I've seen how you are with your lady. I'm sure she'll understand!"

"Th-the thing is..." Garl said, "The ring I got is special... It's the Ring of Devout Prayer... It... It's supposed to be like a twin to the ring Dearest Astraea wears, the Ring of Sincere Prayer. I wanted it to be all symbolic and everything!"

"Come on, dude!" the Slayer of Demons said again. "You know Astraea! She won't mind if you two ain't wearing matching rings! Or are you worried because the ring was expensive or something? I mean, it can't be THAT expensive, right...?"

"It costs twelve thousand," Garl pouted. 

"... Holy shit."

"And my big sister bought it for me."

"Man... Selen is gonna kiiiiill you..."

"NOT HELPING, SLAYER!"

"Oh my..." Ludwig's face sank. "I... I'm terribly sorry! This wouldn't have happened if we didn't invite you two to come fishing with us..."

"It's not your fault, Mr. Ludwig," Garl sighed, "It's nobody's fault. I... I guess I just caught some bad luck is all..."

"Hey man, don't you dare start acting all depressed!" the Slayer of Demons huffed. "Don't tell me you're backing out of the proposal because you don't have a ring!"

"O-Of course not!" Garl snapped. "I... We... We've all gone to so much trouble for this! I'm not backing out!"

"Ya better not!" the Slayer said. "Come on, let's get back to the inn. I'm calling a super important meeting. You've still got until midnight to figure everything out, and you can sure as hell count on us to help!"

"Th-thanks..." Garl said, somewhat moved by his fellow knight's support. "But what about Dearest Astraea? If I'm gone for too long she might get suspicious. That is if she already isn't..."

"Heh, don't worry, Circe can take care of that!" the Slayer smirked. "Actually, didn't Ciaran bring her Cards Against Humanity deck with her? The girls can distract Astraea with that while we discuss our battle strategy!"

"True..." Garl nodded. "Good to know that vile game is useful for something..."

The two younger men walked away and headed back towards the inn, leaving the two Old Hunters by the lakeshore. Djura felt bad for Garl, but realized there wasn't really anything he could do to help. Besides, he was still shaking from the encounter and he was just glad he didn't have a heart attack from the ordeal.

"Well, I suppose we should head back, too," Djura sighed.

"I feel guilty, Djura," Ludwig said, looking distraught. "That young man lost a precious gift because of us. We should do something to make it up to him."

"Ehh?!" Djura said, "H-Hey! Don't you try to guilt-trip me! It's not like we _planned_ for that hydra to chase us and eat his ring!"

"Still, he wouldn't have lost the ring if he weren't at the lake in the first place," Ludwig insisted. "It's as much our fault as it is the hydra's! You know, maybe we can do something to help the poor fellow out..."

"Ludwig..." Djura sighed, already having an idea of what his overly righteous friend was up to. "You're thinking about this too much. Let's not get carried away here. Maybe we can just treat the boy and his lady to dinner to make it even?"

The Holy Blade didn't say anything, and kept glancing back at the lake and the speedboat. Even though the hydra attack was a complete accident, he still couldn't help but feel at least a little bit responsible for Garl's misfortune. Ludwig was just standing there, weighing his options and thinking about what to do. He was standing in that same spot for so long he didn't notice Djura had started walking back towards the inn and was already twenty feet away from him.

"Come on, let's go back to the inn!" Djura called back to his fellow hunter, "Let's go see if Eileen made new enemies or already slaughtered the competition at the bingo hall!"

Ludwig merely sighed, knowing he couldn't convince Djura to go along with his plan. "Coming..."

...

"OK, so let me get this straight. Your engagement ring... was swallowed by a hydra?"

4pm, at the Slayer of Demons' room. The knight had called an emergency guys meeting after informing the Hunter, Artorias, the Chosen Undead, the Bearer of the Curse and Solaire of what happened at the lake earlier that afternoon. The Hunter was especially surprised to hear about the whole hydra situation, and was understandably a bit skeptical at first. Nevertheless, the fact that the Slayer of Demons, Djura and Ludwig were also there to witness the event convinced him, no matter how ridiculous and anime filler episode cliché the story sounded. And seeing how down Garl was, he decided it was best not to be an ass and just help the poor guy out.

"So, uh... I have a suggestion," the Hunter said, then took something out of his pocket and laid it on the small tea table the guys had gathered around. "If you want, maybe you can use this as a substitute?"

Garl was surprised to see that the item the Hunter brought out was a ring— an engagement ring. It was rather old and worn, but it was intricately designed and had a large white gemstone in the middle. It was a beautiful ring, true, but Garl couldn't help but feel there was something... odd... about it. For one thing, it had what appeared to be blood stains on it... And another thing, the ring just screamed "cut content and cancelled DLC" and Garl wasn't sure what to feel about that.

"Er... That's the Ring of Betrothal," the Hunter explained after seeing the confused look on Garl's face. "You can borrow it so you can propose to Astraea tonight. But just for tonight, OK? I plan to use it myself in the future, so..."

"I appreciate the gesture, Hunter," Garl said as sincerely as possible, "But I'm afraid I can't accept this—"

"Oh, then why don't thou useth my ring instead?" Artorias interrupted, removing his Wolf Ring from his finger and putting it down on the table as well. "Go on, don't be shy! It boosts thine Poise and makes thine chest glow like someone shoved a disco ball inside!"

"How about this, then?" the Bearer of the Curse removed his Rusted Iron Ring and also set it on the table. "It may not look like much, but if you ever need to walk through mud or swampy water, it'll be perfect!"

"Dude, isn't that your _wedding ring?_ " the Slayer of Demons pointed out.

"Oh, it _used_ to be my wedding ring," the Bearer of the Curse said, smiling.

After a few moments of silence and seeing the look of disbelief on the other men's faces, the Bearer of the Curse realized what he just said came out completely wrong. The knight promptly corrected himself, scratching the back of his head as he chuckled.

"Ah, I didn't mean it like that! I mean, Shan and I are getting new rings soon. Renewing vows and all..."

"Geez, for a second there I thought you were gonna pull a _Firewatch_ on us..." the Slayer muttered.

"Guys, I appreciate the offers. Really!" Garl said, though his face showed frustration more than anything. "But I really don't feel comfortable using someone else's ring to propose to Dearest Astraea. It'll just make me feel even worse for being stupid enough to lose my own ring..."

"Don't beat yourself up over it!" Solaire patted Garl on the back. "What's done is done. For now, the best we can do is think of another way for you to pop the question! Gents! Any suggestions?"

"Well, what does Astraea like?" the Chosen Undead spoke up. "Even without a ring, you can still give her something that can make her happy. Maybe some flowers or chocolate? All girls love those."

"Ooh, they have Green Tea Kitkats at the souvenir store!" the Bearer of the Curse said. "Does Astraea like those?"

"A little bit," Garl said, "But she prefers Cherry Blossom Kitkats. Or those little round chocolates with macadamia nuts inside."

"Ah, too bad. Store's all out of that kind," the Bearer said. "But if you want, we can look for those at the Junes department store in the nearby town."

"That town is at the foot of the mountain, though," Garl shook his head. "We won't have enough time to go to Junes if we want to be back here by midnight."

"But, but! _Everyday's great at your Junes!_ " the Slayer of Demons teased.

"Ooh, I love that commercial!" Solaire smiled.

"Guess the chocolate's out of the question, then," the Chosen Undead said. "So... Flowers? Those should be a bit easier to find."

"Well, Evetta and I picked some wild flowers when we went out for a walk in the woods earlier," the Hunter said. "We have more than enough, so you can take some if you want."

"Ah, what kind of flowers did you get?" Garl asked.

"Some pink moss, irises and wisteria," the Hunter answered. "Also known as shibazakura, hanashobu and fuji—"

"We don't need the Japanese names for lore purposes, bro," the Slayer of Demons teased again.

"Oh, and Sif found several red and purple moss clumps and blooming moss clumps, too!" Artorias added. "Wait... That explains all the dead Demonic Foliage we saw on the way back..."

"Er, I think I'll go with the Hunter's flowers, thanks," Garl said. "Well, that's something, at least. I do hope flowers will be enough..."

"Well, how about a serenade?" Solaire suggested. "There's nothing more romantic than a dashing, upstanding gent singing his heart out to his beloved!"

"I... I don't sing," Garl said. "But you may be onto something, Solaire... Maybe if I can get my hands on a saxophone..."

"Where are you gonna find a saxophone in a hotspring, though?" the Chosen Undead asked.

"Aww, dude!" the Slayer of Demons said excitedly, "They just added a small music lounge to the bar, didn't they? They had some guitars, a piano and a drum set. Typical jazz stuff, so there's probably a sax there, too!"

"Hey, good thinking, Lucian!" the Hunter said. "OK, I'll go talk to Amagi-san right now and ask if they have a saxophone and if Garl can borrow it."

"I have another idea!" Solaire said enthusiastically, "How would you like The Sunbros to help you out during your serenade? Your own personal band playing while you propose to Astraea... Now that's just splendid!"

"PERFECT!" Garl stood up excitedly. "I can't believe it... We actually have a backup plan now! I... I can't thank you guys enough!"

"No problem, Garl," the Hunter smiled. "This is all for you, anyway. Besides, there's nothing more masculine than seven men all huddled together discussing marriage proposal plans, eh?"

"Well, it means a lot to me," Garl chuckled. "So really, thank you so much!"

"Now that that's settled, we can enjoy the rest of the evening until midnight!" Artorias said. "So, who's in the mood for a late afternoon barbecue?"

"I AM!!!" all the men happily chorused.

...

Now that he had a backup proposal plan, Garl had started to calm down. He was still upset over losing the ring, of course. But the knight figured that his best bet would be that once he got back from vacation, he should be able to save enough money to pay back Selen... if he worked non-stop for six months straight. But Garl decided not to worry about that for now— asking Astraea to marry him was more important.

Still, that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the rest of the trip with his friends. The gang had a late afternoon barbecue in the open garden area and Artorias, as always, never disappointed with his cooking skills. Everyone was drooling when he started grilling the wagyu beef steaks... Meat wasn't the only thing on the menu, though. The Hunter and Solaire also grilled some fish and vegetables. The Maiden in Black had laid out her chips, both regular and vegetarian, along with her homemade dips and hummus. Maria and the Doll had prepared a salad, while the Chosen Undead and Rhea made some cold soba noodles. The Slayer of Demons brought out the beer and sodas. Sif gladly nibbled on the leftover steak and the bits of meat that weren't fit for human consumption. And even Shalquoir joined the barbecue despite having already stuffed herself with sushi earlier.

Come 7pm, the gang was satisfied with their meal. Now they were in the mood for something quiet and relaxing to help them digest. And what better way to relax than to have a nice long dip in the hotsprings?

"Oh boy, I hath been waiting for this!" Artorias said as he eagerly walked towards the hotspring entrance. "And it was awfully nice of Amagi-san to custom-tailor this yukata for me, too!"

"Well, you must've left quite an impression on her," the Doll teased.

"Careful, I'm not into sharing," Ciaran snarked.

"L-let's not have this conversation, please..." the Hunter said uncomfortably. "Hmm. You know, I've been thinking about that new couples hotspring Amagi-san mentioned. Evetta and I snuck a peek earlier and it looks interesting. It has a view of the lake and everything."

"And it's very private, has romantic candles and incense and has wonderful ambience," the Doll added. She then gave the Hunter a sideways glance and smiled. "And it has a sukebe chair, right, Good Hunter?"

"Ehehehe... Right... That one..." the Hunter blushed and smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, well, Arty and I already have dibs on the couples hotspring," Ciaran said with a sly grin.

"NO," the Hunter said sternly, already knowing what Ciaran was up to. "I think we should take turns using it. Of course, Garl and Astraea have top priority. As for you two... You're using it last. Dead last."

"Sure, sure, whatever you say, leader..." Ciaran smirked. "In the meantime, you guys can listen to us playing Cards Against Humanity through the wall and freak out again."

"I wonder..." the Doll rubbed her chin. "Do you think that hole we made last year is still there?"

"Guess we'll find out later," Ciaran shrugged. "Well, we're changing into our swimsuits. And don't bother trying to peek this time." Ciaran then gave the two men another sly look and cracked her knuckles for good measure. Artorias and the Hunter could only gulp and nod nervously before disappearing into the men's locker room.

Ciaran and the Doll likewise went inside the women's locker room. The Emerald Herald had already changed into a swimsuit and was getting ready to enter the hotsprings. Rhea, Astraea and the Maiden in Black had already gone ahead. Standing in the middle of the locker room was Lady Maria. She was still in her yukata, and was looking hesitant about something. Maria was relieved to see that the Doll was there, and pulled her to the side while Ciaran went about her own business.

"Evetta, I need your help," Maria said. Seeing the puzzled look on her cousin's face, she whipped out two swimsuits and asked her to pick one. "Which one looks better?"

"Um..." was all the Doll could say once she saw the swimwear Maria brought. "Maria, no offense, but... Aren't those both a bit too... how should I say this..."

"What, too much lace?" Maria asked.

"More like 'scandalous'," the Doll said bluntly. "Maria, where did you even _get_ those swimsuits? You usually don't wear something that revealing."

"Well, it's a hotspring," Maria said. "We are supposed to be naked in there, but I wanted to at least cover up."

"It's not that kind of hotspring. You don't have to be naked, and any kind of swimsuit will do. Besides, I don't think those will cover up much at all."

"It's a new fashion trend from Irithyll of the Boreal Valley."

"Irithyll of the Boreal Valley doesn't have swimwear fashion trends. It's a frozen wasteland."

"At least they allow me plenty of room for movement."

"Why would you need 'plenty of room for movement'? In a hotspring?"

"Well, you see, I—"

"You bought those to get Solaire's attention, didn't you?" the Doll asked bluntly, tired of Maria's lame excuses.

"Wha... Why would you get that idea?" Maria said, trying to hide the red creeping into her cheeks. 

The Doll noticed Maria's change in facial expression and couldn't help but tease her for it. Having lived with Maria for so long, she could instantly tell when the older woman was either lying or bluffing. And she decided to milk it for all it was worth.

"Admit it, Maria. You like him."

"... Just help me pick a swimsuit, Evetta," Maria said.

"I mean, it's so obvious," the Doll kept going, amused at the look on Maria's face. "I've seen how you are around him. You stare at his ass like it's a deluxe double cheese steak burrito. With extra pico de gallo and sour cream. And don't think I didn't see that kiss you—"

"EVETTA. The red one or the black one?!" Maria asked through gritted teeth.

"The red one," the Doll said, trying her best not to laugh. "The red one suits you."

"Hey, you girls coming or what?" Ciaran, who had just changed into a dark blue-green bikini, said. "I'm distributing the cards in a little bit. Better hurry, or else Astraea and Shanalotte are gonna get the good ones again!"

"Coming!" the Doll called out to Ciaran. "Seriously Maria, the red one looks better."

"Thanks..." Maria said, though she still wasn't amused at the smirk on her cousin's face.

"Anytime," the Doll nodded. "And good luck."

Meanwhile, on the men's side of the hotspring, the Hunter had called another meeting. This time, he brought up the couples hotspring and asked if anybody else was interested in using it since the facility was only open from 10pm to 2am. Fortunately, it was a long weekend and whichever couples couldn't use the hotspring for the night could use it the following night.

"So, I already had it reserved for Garl and Astraea tonight," the Hunter said. "I figured you two could use the facility after the proposal."

"Th-thanks..." Garl said, blushing slightly. "I'd probably just faint immediately after, though..."

"Hey Hunter, is it true that the couples hotspring has a sukebe chair?" the Slayer of Demons asked, a devilish grin forming on his face.

"What's a sukebe chair?" Garl asked.

"A PURE SOUL!" the Slayer gasped, stunned at his friend's innocence.

After a while, the men finally settled on the order: for that night, Garl and Astraea had top priority; the following night, the Hunter and the Doll would use it first, followed by the Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald, then the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black, and the Chosen Undead and Rhea. And the Hunter was insistent that Artorias and Ciaran would use the facility last. Dead last. Lest it be soiled forever before the other guests could use it.

"Hey hey hey, wait," the Slayer of Demons suddenly spoke up. "You forgot about Solaire!"

"Hmm? Me?" Solaire asked, puzzled. "Ah, but I would have no use for that. It is a 'couples hotspring', after all. I would feel terribly lonely being all by myself in there. Even if the place is as beautiful as you described. Aha ha ha ha!"

"Oh, so you don't plan on going with Maria?" the Slayer of Demons smirked.

"Don't be silly now," Solaire said with a smile. "Maria and I are just friends. We're not a couple."

"Suuuuuuuure you are..." the Slayer said.

"No, really," Solaire said again. "I don't see why you would think otherwise!"

"Well, this situation seems awfully familiar," the Chosen Undead said as he watched Solaire from a distance. "So this is what it's like on the other side of the spectrum, huh?"

"Solaire and Maria?" the Hunter said to the Chosen Undead, then blew a raspberry. "No way, Maria wouldn't even consider Solaire fit to lick her boot. Besides, he's not Maria's type. She's more likely to start dating... I dunno, Lautrec or something. Heh."

"You didn't see what happened at the van earlier, did you?" the Chosen Undead said. "It was very... surreal."

"Yeah, I saw that from the rear view mirror," the Bearer of the Curse added. "I almost ran over a deer."

"Guys, you're exaggerating," the Hunter said. "Anyway, I think I'm gonna take a nap. I can still feel all that steak in my stomach..."

"I guess I should keep an eye on him again so he doesn't go underwater and drown," Artorias chuckled. 

Before long the Hunter had covered his face with his hat and had fallen fast asleep. Since he was the shortest of the men, he started slipping into the water as Artorias predicted. The Abysswalker had to pull him out of the water and prop him against his rock every couple of minutes. Such a good friend!

"So Marcus, did you take part in the betting pool?" the Bearer of the Curse asked the Chosen Undead. "Shan voted 'against'. I voted 'for'. Don't tell her that, though..."

"S-seriously?" the Chosen Undead said. "I dunno if I even want to participate in that betting pool... It doesn't feel right gambling over my friend's love life."

"Well, Lou seems pretty insistent," the Bearer said. He pointed at the Slayer, who was apparently trying to convince Solaire to peek on Maria. "See? He's using the old swimsuit temptation trick again."

"Come on, Solaire..." the Slayer began using his devil-on-the-shoulder voice. "Aren't ya curious to see what kinda swimsuit she's wearing...? Just a peek. You know you want to..."

"P-please don't..." Solaire was starting to look uncomfortable.

"Oh boy... Here we go again..." Garl sighed. He leaned his head against a rock and decided to stay out of this one, joining the Hunter in his sleep. He needed to conserve his energy for the big proposal at midnight, anyway.

"You two live together right?" the Slayer kept egging Solaire on. "Don't tell me you've never seen her in her underwear? Or walked in on her while she's in the shower?"

"N-NO!" Solaire said, flustered and starting to blush. "I wouldn't even think of doing that! And I am NOT peeping on Maria! Ciaran's in there, and you remember what happened last year!"

"And to be honest," the Chosen Undead spoke up, "The novelty is pretty much gone, anyway. That and Solaire and I realized we like our ribs and internal organs where they are."

"Plus, we get to see more than enough of of our significant others at home," the Bearer of the Curse said as well. He smiled and started muttering to himself, "More than enough... Thank you, couples yoga!"

"Pfft, wet blankets!" the Slayer of Demons huffed, crossing his arms in irritation.

With that, the Slayer decided to leave Solaire alone and leaned against one of the rocks, sighing. The men's side of the hotspring was completely quiet for a good few minutes, what with the men deciding to just relax and save their energy for Garl's proposal later that night. They could still hear the women on the other side up to their usual Cards Against Humanity antics again, though. Every now and then fireballs would shoot up in the air. Evidently that was Maria being a sore loser. Sometimes streaks of white light would shoot up in the air. Evidently that was Astraea rubbing it in whenever she got a winning card. All accompanied by the soothing sounds of Ciaran's demonic laughter and Rhea's trademark _"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaa!"_ But after a while, it seemed the gang's tiredness caught up with them, and even the women's side of the hotsprings grew silent. Soon, the entire hotspring was dead quiet and it seemed most of the vacationers had already fallen asleep.

"Hey, gents?" Solaire said as he stood up. "I'm going to quickly use the bathroom."

The Sunlight Warrior only had a chorus of snores as a response. Artorias, who was the only one still awake, nodded and told Solaire he'd stay and keep watch. Solaire stepped out of the water and headed back through the men's locker room, but unfortunately there weren't any toilets there, so he had to look around for one. 

He ended up in a completely different part of the hotsprings he was sure he hadn't been to before— must be one of the inn's new additions. It looked like a spa area of sorts. The whole place smelled like a mix of incense and herbal oils. Soft music was playing and there was a trail of small candles on the floor, which Solaire instinctively followed. He eventually found a comfort room for one person, but it was occupied. As Solaire waited for it to become vacant, it was only then that he realized he had forgotten to change back into his yukata and was still only wearing his swim trunks. Oh well, no worries. It was just a quick bathroom break, he was still technically in the bathing area, and it wasn't like he was going to run into any other guests... Solaire didn't have to wait long, too. A few moments later the door opened and a person stepped out of the bathroom.

"Oh, sorry. Here you go— Solaire?"

Solaire froze upon hearing a familiar voice with a sexy accent say his name. He quickly turned into an ice sculpture when he saw who it was who had just stepped out of the bathroom... It was Maria, and she too hadn't changed back into her yukata and was still wearing only her swimsuit. At that point Solaire had gone from an ice sculpture, melted into a puddle, evaporated into steam, and transmuted into a radioactive glowing tomato. Maria hadn't even brought a towel with her. She was still _dripping wet._

But that wasn't what bothered Solaire. He couldn't believe what Maria was _wearing._ For lack of a better description, it did NOT look like swimwear AT ALL. In fact, it looked more like specialty lingerie one would order either online or through a private catalog. The "swimsuit" was a distracting bright red color, barely covered anything, and the small bits that did cover things up were trimmed with lace and were nearly completely see-through from being wet. The chest portion didn't have any padding either; it was essentially just a three-inch piece of ribbon and all the wet, hard bumpy bits stuck out like a sore thumb. The bikini bottom was even worse. It was shaped like the Formless Oedon rune!

"Were you going to use the bathroom?" Maria asked again. "All yours, big guy."

"Ah, r-right! Thanks!" Solaire said, not looking Maria in the eye.

He rushed inside and slammed the door shut behind him. Getting a good look in the mirror, Solaire realized he was as red as a lobster and was sweating profusely. He was absolutely shocked at what he had just seen. The irony of the situation— that he did in fact see Maria in a terribly skimpy and fetishized swimsuit right after he had turned down the Slayer of Demons' offer to peep on her— it didn't even register. He was so flustered he didn't even notice Maria had been looking at him from head to toe as well, clearly not bothered at all by the fact that he was only in his trunks. Solaire shook his head and wanted to forget what just happened. But once he was inside the toilet stall, Solaire looked down, and he felt embarrassed again.

"Oh dear... I should've crossed my legs. I hope she didn't notice..."

...

"O-57, ladies and gentlement. Oh-fifty-se— haaaaaahh..."

The bored employee officiating the bingo game yawned for the hundredth time that evening. Not even the new espresso machine stationed next to him could help keep him alert. It was 9:30pm and the bingo game had been an unusually long one, with not a single one of the participants getting any of the numbers yet. Eileen was getting particularly frustrated and had begun scratching and stabbing her table with her Blades of Mercy. The grand prize this time around... was a gym and fitness center package. No, it wasn't a gym membership. It was an _actual gym_ complete with equipment and facilities.

"Come on, N-38..." Eileen muttered to herself, "I can make some good money with that gym and get all the Old Hunters back in shape, too!"

The officiator spoke again. "Ladies and gentlemen, the next number is... N..."

"N-38, N-38, N-38!!!" Eileen said, slamming her fists onto the table.

"A bit impatient, aren't you, dear?" Ludleth of Courland said, chuckling. "It's going to be N-61, I just know it."

"Shut it, pipsqueak!" Eileen snapped at the tiny king.

"The next number is..." the bored officiator said, "N-61."

"OEDON DAMMIT!!!" Eileen yelled.

"Told you," Ludleth said as he punched a hole into his bingo card. He noticed Eileen rapidly losing her cool and couldn't help but playfully tease her for it. "Finally this game is going somewhere. Aww, what's the matter, dear? Still mad that you're going to lose because you ain't got no numbeeeeers?"

"Be quiet, you lactobacillus!" Eileen said through gritted teeth.

"Come now, where's your sense of humor?" Ludleth merely chuckled again. "'Tis all in good fun..."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be taking a fif... a fifteen minute break." the officiator said.

"Eileen! Hey, Eileen!"

The old crow turned around and saw that Djura had just entered the bingo hall. He had a bento box with him, apparently being told by Eileen to bring her dinner since she had no plans of leaving the bingo hall at all. Eileen took the food and thanked Djura, but noticed he had a worried look on his face.

"What's wrong?" Eileen asked as she munched on some tempura and vegetables. "Your Cathedral Giant took a dump and now the toilet's clogged?"

"N-no, not this time..." Djura shooked his head. "Er... I was wondering if you've seen Ludwig. We had dinner a few hours ago and he said he was going for a walk. I haven't seen him since. I tried calling his Beckoning Bell, but he wouldn't answer."

"Eh, don't worry about it," Eileen shrugged. "He's probably in the inn somewhere. Or at the hotsprings with the whippersnappers."

"Ah, I haven't checked the hotsprings yet," Djura said. "I'll keep looking for him, then. Before I go... Uh... How is your bingo game going?"

"See that tiny microscopic speck of dust over there?" Eileen said, pointing at Ludleth, who was conversing with his sexy masked blonde assistant. "He is going DOWN. I am going to peel him like a grape and crush him dry until he turns into the wrinkly little raisin that he is!"

"Uh... Right..." Djura said nervously. "Weeeeell, I'm gonna go look for Ludwig now."

"Don't get all bent out of shape, Djura," Eileen said. "Ludwig's not Gehrman. He won't get into trouble."

_Back at the lake..._

A lone speedboat was skimming through the water. Ludwig steered in all directions, hoping to find the spot where they had encountered the hydra. It didn't take long for ripples to form on the surface of the water, and soon the six-headed monster emerged and let out a menacing roar. It was really fussy about being disturbed and people trespassing on its property, and now it was even more pissed off since Ludwig had woken it up...

"We meet again, foul creature!" Ludwig yelled at the hydra. "You've taken something you shouldn't have, and by Flora, you are going to give it back!

The hydra roared back and covered the senior citizen in a spray of lake water and freshwater plants. Ludwig merely shook it off his shoulders, and drew his sword from his back. At first, the hydra was completely unfazed. In fact, it almost looked like it was laughing at this funny old man holding a puny, pathetic silver sword and attempting to threaten it. And then the sword started getting bigger and began to glow green...

"My true mentor... My guiding moonlight!"


	10. Popping the Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ludwig has gone after the lake hydra in the hopes of retrieving the lost ring. Meanwhile, the clock has struck midnight and it's the moment of truth for Garl...

"Take that, foul beast! Taste the wrath of MOONLIGHT!!!"

Ludwig, the Holy Blade was back in his element. Swinging his Holy Moonlight Sword at the gigantic lake hydra, the Old Hunter felt as if he were reliving his glory days. He felt as if he were sixty years younger, running, leaping and rolling and not once thinking about his lower back or ankles. In fact, Ludwig was so into it that he swore he could hear his theme song playing in the background as he fought! Never underestimate the power of hot-bloodedness and ethereal orchestras!

The Holy Blade felt the same thrill and excitement he had on the night of his first Hunt... Ludwig could never forget his first Hunt. How could he? That was, after all, the night when his mentor Gehrman blindfolded him and threw him into a mob of Scourge Beasts, then left the poor boy to fend for himself so he could buy some donuts before the store would close. Ludwig, then seventeen years old, not only survived, but successfully slayed all the Beasts in record time, managed to catch up with Gehrman as he was on his way back to the workshop, then demanded that his mentor give him the entire box of donuts as a reward. Needless to say, Gehrman was impressed with his young apprentice and Ludwig went on to become the best swordsman the Hunter's Workshop had ever seen.

And indeed,Ludwig proved he was still worthy of that title many decades later. The Old Hunter sidestepped away every time one of the hydra's heads lunged at him; he needed to stay as close as possible so the monster wouldn't have a chance to fire a ranged attack. Charging up his sword and moving it in a heavy shoulder swing, Ludwig shot two crescent-shaped arcane projectiles straight at the hydra's middle two heads.

_FWOOM!! FWAAAKK!!_

The hydra was hit square in the face, its eyes burning and blinded by the bright blue-green arcane glow. Seeing his chance, Ludwig charged straight towards the monster and slashed at the two heads. In another flash of bright blue-green light, the heads were instantly decapitated. The attack was so fast, it took several seconds for the monster to realize what had just happened. Ludwig's cut was so precise that very little blood was spilled, and whatever did instantly combusted in a burst of blue-green fire. The beast roared in pain as the arcane attack burned away at its necks, exposing the throats.

"Now, where did you put that ring?!" Ludwig said as he caught a glimpse of the inside of the hydra's throat.

The Old Hunter carefully leaned forward in the speedboat and looked into the two gaping holes in the hydra's necks, hoping to see that the ring was still lodged in there somewhere. Ludwig wasn't awfully familiar with hydra anatomy, but he had encountered and slain enough snake Beasts to know that many of them had small spikes lining their throats. He had gone after the lake hydra purely on the deduction that it had a similar structure, and Ludwig was relieved to see he had been proven right. The hydra's throats had all manner of fish bones, shells, twigs and seaweed tangled up on the spikes. Now all Ludwig needed to do was find the head that swallowed the ring...

"Just like looking for a shiny coin in a puddle of mud," Ludwig said to himself as he wiped a few beads of sweat off his brow. "This shouldn't be too difficult!"

With two heads down and four more to go, Ludwig lunged once more at the now very angry hydra. This time, the hydra fought back with a powerful, unrelenting blast of water. The Holy Blade raised his sword above his head... then quickly plunged it into the water with all his strength!

_BZZZZZZZSSSHHHHHHWWWWWMM!!!_

As soon as the blade made contact with the lake, a combined shockwave of arcane energy and water spread out from where he stood and shielded the Old Hunter from the barrage of water blasts. Not missing a beat, Ludwig immediately channeled the arcane energy around him and fired a sword beam at two more hydra heads. The hydra retaliated with more water blasts.

_SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHH!!!_

_FWOOM!! FWAAAKK!!_

For the next half hour or so, Ludwig and the hydra were locked in fierce combat and neither wanted to let up. Their attacks went back and forth, growing more and more intense until the antire section of the lake was pretty much glowing green. As the battle dragged on even longer, the combatants were starting to tire out. Ludwig did manage to cut off another head, but unfortunately it still wasn't the one that swallowed the ring, either. Still, the Holy Blade was determined to succeed. He looked into the freshly cut neck, hoping to find at least something other than mud and seaweed. 

Ludwig was in luck. Amidst the mud and gunk, there were a few faint glimmers of light... It was then that Ludwig realized there were small pieces of metal inside. Small pieces of jewelry, in fact! The Old Hunter saw that half of a gold bracelet, three unpaired earrings with gemstones, and a badly chewed up titanium chain were hanging off the monster's throat spikes. That had him convinced that Garl's engagement ring was indeed still in there somewhere. The hydra really _was_ eating other people's jewelry, then...

By then the Old Hunter could feel exhaustion creeping in and was struggling to catch his breath. Utilizing the adrenaline he had from seeing the jewelry caught on the throat spikes, Ludwig raised his sword above his head once more, then swung a gigantic arcane blast at the hydra. Once again the hydra fired a pressurized water blast to counter Ludwig's attack, but now that it had only half the number of heads it began with, the counterattack was noticeably weaker and slower. Immediately, the Holy Blade found an opening and sprinted through the blast of water. 

He slashed at another head with all his might, decapitating it and revealing another throat with jewelry caught on the spikes. This time there were more bracelets, earrings, pendants and chains— even some broken Chalices here and there, too— but still no rings.

The hydra was absolutely _furious_ now. It roared and slammed its tails into the water, and even swiped its sharp-clawed flippers at Ludwig even if they couldn't reach him. Now, it was going to be a duel to the death. The Holy Blade would either slay the hydra and retrieve Garl's ring, or die trying... Preferably the former!

Tightening his grip on his sword, Ludwig took a deep breath as he readied himself to cut off the last two heads.

...

Back at the inn, it was only ten minutes until midnight and Garl was starting to have second thoughts again.

"M-maybe we should've had a dry run of this..."

Garl was practically shaking with nervousness as he tightly clutched a bouquet of wild flowers in one hand and a borrowed saxophone in the other. He was at the inn's garden area, having slipped out of bed while Astraea was asleep, then sending her a text message to meet him there at exactly 12 o' clock midnight. The Hunter, Artorias, the Chosen Undead and Solaire were there with their borrowed instruments as well, ready to support Garl with his serenade proposal. The Slayer of Demons and the Bearer of the Curse arrived shortly after.

"All right, dude, moment of truth!" the Slayer grinned as he patted Garl on the shoulder. "Ya ready?"

"No," Garl said bluntly. "I'm not. I'm really not!"

"Don't sweat it, man!" the Slayer said, still grinning. "I mean, what's the worst that could happen?"

"She could say no?"

"Very funny, Ciaran..." Garl said, his tone sounding cross.

Ciaran snickered. "Geez, I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

The Lord's Blade entered the garden along with the rest of the girls save for Rhea and the Maiden in Black, who were tasked to accompany Astraea and make sure she wouldn't figure out the surprise beforehand. Garl tuned his saxophone while the Sunbros prepared their respective instruments... Solaire unfortunately couldn't get the full drum kit and had to settle for a percussion box instead. Meanwhile, the girls immediately set about extinguishing the lantern lights in the garden. The Slayer of Demons was on standby with his Pyromancy Flame, ready to light the lanterns again as soon as Astraea arrived. Ciaran brought out her gold tracer and made a glowing trail in the hallway leading into the garden. You know, in case Astraea, Rhea and the Maiden in Black somehow got lost. And just to make sure Astraea ended up going to the right place, the Emerald Herald and the Bearer of the Curse even set up a fog gate in front of the garden entrance!

"Um, don't you think that's a bit too much?" the Chosen Undead spoke up. "This is a marriage proposal, not a boss fight..."

"Nah, it's fine," Shanalotte said, "Doesn't hurt to be prepared. I mean, Bren set up a fog gate at home when he surprised me with a new TV last month, so."

"Shan loved the TV!" the Bearer of the Curse beamed. "But she almost threw a dung pie at Shalquoir before she went through the fog..."

"Riiiiiiiiight..." the Chosen Undead said, choosing not to question the couple any further.

"OK, so... Is everything in place?" the Hunter asked as he finished tuning his guitar.

"Well, the lights are off, the band is ready, and Astraea should arrive here soon..." Artorias said. He turned to Garl, who was growing more and more anxious. "Dost thou have anything else in mind, Garl?"

"Ehh... I... Well..." Garl stammered. "W-what if Dearest Astraea didn't receive the text message in time? What if Rhea and the Maiden in Black accidentally bring her to the wrong room? What if—"

"DUDE!" the Slayer of Demons interrupted him, "It's fine! Everything's in place! Geez, if you're this nervous already, just imagine how things are gonna be when the baby is born!"

" _B-BABY?!_ I-I'd rather not think about that right now!" Garl said.

Suddenly, the Doll and Maria, who were standing outside the fog gate, rushed back into the garden. "Everyone, Astraea is coming!"

"OK, get into position!" the Slayer of Demons signaled.

Garl took a deep breath. "Oh gods... Here goes nothing!"

Within seconds, the entire garden grew dead quiet. Garl stood there, anxious. He could hear footsteps drawing near, and soon he could hear voices as well. His heartbeat quickened. There was no turning back now...

This was it...

The moment of truth...

It was now or never...

Garl was running out of things to think about...

_Stop stalling, Garl..._

_You're only making the chapter longer, Garl..._

"Hmm? What's going on here? Why is there a fog gate?"

_No more excuses, Garl! It's showtime!_

As soon as Astraea traversed the white fog, the garden lanterns lit up and soft serenade music started playing. The maiden was surprised to see all her friends there, and was especially surprised to see Garl standing in the middle of the garden, holding a saxophone. He played the instrument for her while the Hunter and the Sunbros served as backup. Astraea was speechless. The knight played the saxophone passionately, as if every single note was dedicated to his precious maiden. Once the song had finished, all the lantern lights in the garden went out save for one, which acted as a spotlight as Garl put down the instrument and brought out his bouquet of wild flowers.

"G-Garl...?" Astraea said, blushing. "What are you...?"

"Dearest Astraea..." Garl began, his voice trembling, "E-ever since the day we met, I knew you would be a special part of life... I s-still remember the day our parents introduced us at the playground... We've been friends since we were both four years old, and we've been together as a couple for fifteen years... I k-know that I've made mistakes in the past, and that there have been a few bumps in the road every now and then, b-but I... I want you to know you mean the world to me, and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be with..."

"Oh Garl... That's so sweet..." Astraea said, blushing heavily and starting to tear up a little.

"Kyaaaaaaaaa this is so romantic!" Rhea squealed in a corner, blushing like a radioactive tomato.

"Shh! Don't interrupt the moment!" the Slayer of Demons said. "Time for the grand finale!"

Using his Pyromancy, the Slayer extinguished the last lantern flame. For a brief moment, the garden was only lit by dim starlight... Suddenly, the Slayer used his Pyromancy again and conjured up a Carthus flame arc in the shape of a giant heart around Garl and Astraea.

"O-Oh my!" Astraea said, overwhelmed. She turned back to Garl, who had knelt down and offered her the bouquet of flowers. Astraea gladly accept the bouquet and smiled, already having an idea of what was to come next.

"Dearest Astraea," Garl continued, "I love you so much. I love you more than anything... I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Astraea... So, will... Will you...?"

"Garl... Of course," Astraea smiled and wiped a tear from her face. "Of course I'll—"

"HELP ME FIND LUDWIG!!!"

"Of course I'll help you find Ludwig," Astraea said. "... Wait, WHAT?!"

"WHAT?!" Garl said.

" _WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!_ " everyone else in the garden said.

It was then that everybody saw that Djura had just barged into the garden, panicking. It took a good few seconds before the Old Hunter realized he had just interrupted something very important... Several moments of awkward silence followed, after which crickets spontaneously began to sing and the Slayer's heart-shaped Carthus flame arc turned into a giant "???" on its own.

"Uh, Djura? What's going on?" the Hunter asked.

"S-sorry! It's just that... I... Well..." Djura scrambled for words. "It's just that... Ludwig's missing!"

"Um, yeah, we kinda figured that out already..." the Hunter said flatly.

"Where did you last see him?" the Doll asked. "I thought you were all together with Eileen?"

"No no, Eileen is at bingo," Djura shook his head. "She ain't coming out of that hall under she's either won the game or slaughtered all the other players! As for Ludwig... We were at the lake this afternoon, then we had a quick bite to eat... He said he was going for a walk, but that was hours ago and now I can't find him!"

"Not to be an ass or anything..." the Hunter said, "But Ludwig is a 77-year-old man. I mean, he can take care of himself, right? Plus, this inn is big, but it's not that big. I doubt he'll get lost. Besides, we're kinda doing something important right now..."

"That's the thing!" Djura persisted, "Ludwig ISN'T at the inn! I've searched every nook and cranny of this place, even got a bucket thrown at me by some girls at the hotspring who thought I was peepin' on them..."

"Dude, just get to the point already!" the Slayer of Demons said.

"If Ludwig isn't here, then that means..." Djura continued, "That means he's back at the lake! He... He must've gone after the hydra!"

"He WHAT?!" Garl suddenly shot up and began to panic as well. "N-no way... Don't tell me he... Oh no, this is all my fault!"

"Garl, what on earth is going on?" Astraea asked, confused as heck. "And what's all this about a hydra?!"

"N-no time to explain!" Garl said, then turned to Djura. "Mr. Djura, I'll help you find Mr. Ludwig! We must hurry and head to the lake!"

"WAIT WAIT WAIT, WHAT?!" the Slayer of Demons spoke up. "Are you kidding me?! We planned this entire thing and you're just gonna bail?! Hey Garl, are you listening to— GARL! Goddammit! Get back here, Squidhead!!!" 

The knight could only sigh as Garl and Djura ran out of the garden and didn't look back. He wasn't sure if Garl was really worried about Ludwig taking on the hydra, or if he was just being a chicken and couldn't push through with popping the question. Never mind the fact that Astraea was already about to say "yes"...

Almost as if on cue, the crickets started singing again.

"Well, I suppose I should go after him," Astraea suddenly said. "I have no idea what on earth is going on here... But whatever it is Garl is planning to do, I won't let him do it alone!"

"You too, Astraea?!" the Slayer groaned. "Sonuva... Geez! OK fine, I'm coming with!"

"I'm coming, too," the Maiden in Black said as well. "My premonition tells me you men are going to do something incredibly stupid."

And with that, Astraea, the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black were gone.

The rest of the gang remained in the garden. Crickets intensified.

"WOW," Ciaran said flatly. "Well, I gotta admit, this is the first time I've seen a proposal where both the proposer and proposee got cold feet."

"Is 'proposee' even an actual word?" Artorias asked.

"You get what I mean, Arty," Ciaran replied.

"And the proposal was going so smoothly, too..." Rhea said, disappointed.

"So, um... What do we do now?" the Chosen Undead asked. "I'm not entirely sure if the proposal is still going on?"

"Perhaps we should go after them?" Solaire suggested. "I mean, some fairly strange things have happened at this inn and at that lake... Best to make sure everyone is safe."

"Honestly, I think the worst case scenario is they'll all catch a cold for being out at the lake this late," Maria said matter-of-factly. "Well, Ludwig and Djura might get pneumonia because they're old. But I see no real reason why we should go after them."

"I dunno, I think Solaire might be on to something," the Chosen Undead said. "Strange things do seem to happen whenever all of us are here..."

"Oh no, we're cursed..." Ciaran snarked. "For once I agree with Miss Cainhurst here. The only thing those guys are in danger of is catching a cold."

"Do not call me 'Miss Cainhurst'," Maria glared at Ciaran.

"Seriously guys, it's late. I wanna get some sleep," Ciaran said, ignoring Maria. "And I'm not in the mood to fight robot demons again or whatever."

"But Ciaran, I think it's only right to ensure our friends' safety," Artorias reasoned.

"Yeah, we should make sure they're OK and that they get back here OK," the Bearer of the Curse added. "And, well... Um... Not all of us have to go if they don't want to..."

"No, it's fine," Shanalotte said. "If Bren's going, I'm going."

"Well, Good Hunter? What do you think?" the Doll asked, consulting the group's leader.

"I think we ought to return these instruments to Amagi-san first," the Hunter decided, "Then we should head to the bingo hall and get Eileen. If both Ludwig and Djura are in trouble, she's the only one who can help."

"Sounds like a plan," Artorias nodded.

"And here I was hoping I could get some shuteye already," Ciaran sighed. "All right, fine. Let's go."

"You probably weren't going to actually 'sleep', anyway..." Maria muttered.

"At least I don't wear a hooker outfit and pass it off as a swimsuit..." Ciaran muttered back.

And so the gang went ahead and returned the borrowed instruments, then headed for the bingo hall to fetch Eileen...

...

"I-29, OEDON DAMMIT!!! I HAD THAT NUMBER!!!"

At the bingo hall, the battle royale commenced. Eileen, having finally lost her temper at the horrible pace of the game, had once again drawn her weapons, stood on the table and declared all-out-war. Ludleth tried to calm her down and explained he was only teasing earlier, but the Old Crow wouldn't have any of it. As far as she was concerned, if she played bingo, she had to WIN. No matter what. And if that meant eliminating the competition to get to the prize, then so be it. A Hoonter moost hoont, after all... And of course, the officiator once again fell asleep and was completely oblivious to the unfolding mayhem.

"Dearie, please. Thou must calm down!" Ludleth said, trying to block Eileen's dagger slashes.

"Don't you 'dearie' me, you half-sprouted lima bean!" Eileen snapped. "You kept getting ALL the _noombers_! You rigged this game, didn't you?! DIDN'T YOU?!"

"No, I swear I didn't!" Ludleth insisted.

"Then it must've been YOU!!!" Eileen said, pointing her blade at Yhorm the Giant. "Twenty numbers in a row... Why would you even _need_ a gym in your crummy Profaned Capital?!"

"How DARE you speak ill of the Profaned Capital!" Yhorm stood up angrily and drew his cleaver. "I just want to help the struggling street kids and impoverished laddersmiths learn boxing!"

"IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF GYM!!!" Eileen yelled. 

And with that, the Old Crow leapt at the towering lord and unleashed a flurry of slashed. Yhorm used his size and his ridiculously large weapon to expertly block the attacks. But Eileen wouldn't let up and kept hacking and slashing in a blind rage. Suddenly, a large flaming greatsword parried one of her blades, and Eileen realized it was one of the four Abyss Watchers.

"Lay not a finger on our fellow Lord of Cinder," the Abyss Watcher said. "This behavior is most unbecoming. Cease this foolishness now and let us resume this bingo game peacefully and in good sport—"

"Uh! What? Where? Uuuuuhh... G-16!" the officiator suddenly woke up, announced the next number, and immediately slumped back on the table again. Geez, that guy sure has some serious narcolepsy...

"Oh, G-16!" Lothric suddenly spoke up. He punched a hole in his and Lorian's shared bingo card, then sweetly whispered in his brother's ear, "That's our number, dear brother... We shall win this bingo game... _Together. Foreeeeeeeveeeeeer._ "

"OH MY GOD GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!!!"

Eileen had had enough and simply attacked everyone. Lorian raised his sword and attacked the Crow Hunter for offending his beloved brother, but Eileen still had sharp reflexes and parried him. Then Lorian decided to teleport spam instead. Meanwhile, one of the four Abyss Watchers broke down from the pressure and started attacking his fellow Legionnaires. Oh wait, the Abyss Watchers always do that... Anyway, Yhorm was still upset that Eileen insulted his home and his dream of raising champions, and wildly swung his cleaver all over the place. Aldrich and his lackeys Pontiff Sulyvahn and Archdeacon McDonnell decided to join the craziness for the hell of it and didn't take any sides. Besides, Aldrich just wanted to fucking eat everybody.

"Oh dear..." Ludleth said, "I didn't think bingo could get this violent!"

His assistant picked him up and carefully made her way to the exit. "That is because thou art a senior citizen who still has thine sanity. A rare thing nowadays. Now, we must get out of here before these buffoons make an even bigger mess—"

"Eileen! Eileen, we need your— Aww man, not again!"

The Hunter had just opened the door and was met with the sight of the bingo hall being destroyed by Eileen and the rowdy old Lords of Cinder. Ludleth and his assistant excused themselves and bolted out the door as soon as they could, evading one of Lothric's magic projectiles in the process. The Hunter only barely managed to dodge, but he quickly rolled away to the side and got to his feet again. He sighed, and, not wanting to deal with this shit right now, used his Great One powers to freeze time. Then he calmly walked towards a frozen Eileen, grabbed her by the arm and walked out the exit. He made sure to shut the door tight before unfreezing time and allowing the Lords of Cinder to go about their business.

"HOONTER! What did you DO?!" Eileen snapped once she was unfrozen, "I was in the middle of something important back there!"

"Yes, yes, I know. Bingo is serious business," the Hunter said. "But right now we need your help. See... Ludwig's gone missing and I fear he's gone after a hydra at the lake. Djura and Garl went after him, and Astraea, the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black went after Djura and Garl... You know what, it's complicated. Just come with us to the lake."

"Not a chance," Eileen said. "I need to get back to the bingo hall! I MUST win that gym!"

"Fine... I'll distort reality and build you a gym with Eldritch power," the Hunter sighed.

"Pfft, what?" Eileen rolled her eyes. "I'm not interested in some Great One Dreamlands prissy health club—!"

"I'll include the CrossFit Box and martial arts dojo, too."

"... All right. Lead the way then, Hoonter."

...

_BZZZZZZZSSSHHHHHHWWWWWMM!!!_

Ludwig plunged his greatsword in the water and released another shockwave of arcane energy at the enemy. Only this time, things were different. The Old Hunter huffed and panted, his exhaustion slowly getting the better of him. And yet, his enemy wasn't tiring out at all... In fact, it was the opposite. Like a typical Souls boss, the hydra suddenly powered up when Ludwig had gotten it down to a quarter of its health and chopped off all but one of its heads. The monster was suddenly enveloped in a purplish blue glow and grew bigger and bigger, as if it were feeding off the souls of every single trout and salmon in the lake. It had grown to over a hundred feet tall and Ludwig was starting to feel like he was either fighting Godzilla or was stuck in an _Attack On Titan_ episode. What's more, the heads that had been chopped off grew back. Then again, this IS a hydra...

Still, Ludwig remained dauntless and defiant. He engaged the now empowered hydra once again and fought as hard as he did at the start of the battle. Even when he was quickly becoming winded, his muscles felt like they were leaking battery acid and his lower back and ankles were starting to act up, Ludwig was determined to defeat the monster and retrieve the ring. Ludwig continued to fire his sword projectiles, gritting his teeth and trying his best to ignore the feeling of his sword becoming heavier and heavier. The hydra was equally relentless and fired one water cannon after another without giving the Holy Blade a break. It was then that Ludwig got unlucky, and was hit in the back by a blast of water.

"Oh Sweet Child of Kos!" Ludwig shouted, "MY BACK!!!"

The Holy Blade lost his balance and fell into the water. The Holy Moonlight Sword fell from his hand, deactivated, and rapidly began to sink to the bottom of the lake. It took all of Ludwig's remaining strength and stamina to dive down and retrieve his precious sword before it could be lost forever. But once he had retrieved his sword, Ludwig had no strength whatsoever to swim back up to the surface...

_SPLASH!!!_

"LUDWIG! LUDWIG, WAKE UP! COME ON, MAN, DON'T HEAD TOWARDS THE LIGHT!!!"

"Maybe you should try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?"

"Gross! No way am I gonna do that!"

Ludwig sprang up, coughing terribly and spitting water. He was back in Eileen's speedboat, which now had a rope attached to a smaller, cheaper-looking rental rowboat. They were still somewhere at the lake, but while he could still hear the hydra in the distance, he couldn't see it because of the surrounding mist. Ludwig saw that Garl and Djura were worriedly looking over him. The two men let out heavy sighs of relief when they saw the Holy Blade was still alive. Still, that didn't stop Djura from giving him an earful about going after the hydra all by himself.

"Honestly, Ludwig!" Djura scolded, "Why do you always throw away common sense for the sake of chivalry? It's like the Hemwick incident all over again... I swear sometimes you're just _too nice_ for your own good!"

"F-forgive me..." Ludwig said, "It's just that... The young man's ring... I felt responsible..."

"But that wasn't your fault, it was mine!" Garl said. "I was the one who was stupid enough to bring an engagement ring to the lake! It's my own fault that the hydra swallowed it—"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HYDRA SWALLOWED YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING?!"

"DEAREST ASTRAEA?!" Garl's face turned ghostly white when he saw Astraea right behind him, riding a rented hot pink Sea Doo jet ski. "What are you doing here?! And why are you riding that atrocious thing?!"

"It was the only rental available at this hour!" Astraea said. "More importantly, why didn't you tell me all about this... this... Cruel Lord, I can't even _begin_ to describe this ridiculous situation! The engagement ring... The hydra... Garl, you should've just been honest with me!"

"Dearest Astraea, I..." Garl tried to find the right words to say, "I didn't... No, I couldn't tell you about this because... Well..."

"He wanted the proposal to be a surprise!" the Slayer of Demons said. He and the Maiden in Black caught up to the group in their own rented pink jet skis. "We planned this entire trip just for you two! Garl didn't wanna tell you about the lost ring because he thought you'd be mad!"

"WHY would I be mad about the ring if I didn't even know Garl was planning to propose in the first place?!" Astraea said. "OK, so maybe I had a slight idea of what he was planning... But that's mostly because Garl and I were getting special treatment at the inn and everyone was acting as subtle as a brick to the face..."

"Ehh?! But we were just 'acting natural'!" the Slayer interrupted.

"I told all of thee 'acting natural' never works," the Maiden in Black said. "But did thou listen? Noooo..."

"ANYWAY!" Astraea continued, looking Garl straight in the eye, "Garl, it doesn't matter whether you ask me to marry you with a ring, or with a saxophone and a bouquet of flowers. You could ask me to marry you with a clump of Moon Grass if you wanted. It makes no difference to me, because I'm already sure of what my answer would be."

"Dearest Astraea..." was all Garl could say.

Astraea smiled. "The point is, I LOVE you and I ALSO want to spend the rest of my life with you. So Garl, of course I'll—"

_SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHH!!!_

"LOOK OUT, WATER CANNON ATTACK!!!" Djura yelled as the hydra reemerged from the mist and started attacking again.

"BOLLOCKS, WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP INTERRUPTING ME?!" Astraea snapped. The maiden turned to face the 100-foot tall hydra, her face burning with anger and her eyes turning blood red as she channeled her Demon's Soul.

**"WRATH OF THE GODS!!!"**

Astraea unleashed a powerful AoE blast which hit the hydra square in its belly. The attack severely injured the monster, as was expected of a powerful Miracle. Unfortunately, the hydra was further enraged by its injury and merely continued its onslaught of attacks. This time, the heads lunged forward, gaping mouths with sharp teeth all aimed at the small group of people. Water splashed everywhere and once or twice the speedboat and rented rowboat nearly capsized. The jet skis were fine though because hey, Sea Doo.

Everybody did their best to defend themselves from the creature, with Astraea continuing to cast Wrath of the Gods, the Slayer of Demons hurling fireballs and Ludwig firing sword projectiles at it. Garl swung his hammer and hit the hydra every time a head got too close. Even Djura, who was normally against fighting, used his Stakedriver to weaken the monster. Meanwhile, the Maiden in Black conjured a giant two-way force field to protect the group from the hydra's attacks while allowing them to attack it in return.

"This isn't working!" the Maiden in Black said, "That hydra is just too powerful and has too much health! Also, its hitboxes are _ridiculous!_ We cannot bring it down all by ourselves!"

The Slayer of Demons gritted his teeth as he used Great Combustion against the hydra. "Dammit, if only we had some backup!"

_ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!_

As soon as the Slayer uttered those words, a large Sunlight Spear flew through the air and pierced the hydra's chest. Another Sunlight Spear followed, along with a Lightning Spear, Heavy Soul Arrow, and several lightning-enchanted arrows being fired from an Avelyn crossbow. Again, the hydra was hit in the chest. The Slayer turned around and saw the rest of his friends riding jet skis in pairs, coming to join them in the fight against the giant hydra. Just in the nick of time, too! All that was missing was Undyne's "Spear of Justice" theme playing in the background!

"ALL RIGHT, HERE COMES THE CAVALRY!!!" the Slayer jumped for joy.

The Hunter lead the group and shouted out instructions. "OK, long-range team, stay back and keep firing projectiles! Solaire will lead you guys, while we go in for the melee! Arty, Ciaran, Maria, Eileen! Let's go!!!"

_ZAP! ZAAAP!! ZAAAAAPP!!!_

Solaire continued to hurl Sunlight Spears from a distance, while the Chosen Undead and the Bearer of the Curse fired Lightning Spear and Heavy Soul Arrow respectively. The Emerald Herald fired her Avelyn crossbow while Rhea joined Astraea in casting Wrath of the Gods. Meanwhile, the Doll alternated between Blacksye Eye attacks and summoning A Call Beyond. At the same time, she channeled Blood Echoes, empowering the Hunter, Artorias, Ciaran, Eileen and Maria and tripling their strength and speed. It was a full-on assault on the hydra now, and it didn't take long for the monster to become overwhelmed by the attacks. The Hunter found his opening.

As soon as the Hunter and his melee team got close enough, they leapt from their jet skis and ran up the hydra's necks with their blades at the ready. The Hunter channeled his Great One power, infusing his Saw Cleaver with pure white Eldritch power and increasing his attack tenfold. He hacked and slashed at the monster as if it were the lowest-ranking fodder enemy in Yharnam. Several hacks later, the hydra was decapitated. Artorias somersaulted into the air and thrust his greatsword into the monster's skin, ripping it apart like a super sharp steak knife. Even when the hydra was shaking violently, Artorias was unfazed thanks to the max Poise given by his Wolf Ring. He dragged his sword through scales, flesh and bone and before long another head was chopped off. Ciaran opted for a more precise approach, using the silver tracer to gradually weaken the hydra first before moving in for the finishing cut. Her Hornet Ring helped tremendously, as each cut was critical and dealt severe damage and blood loss. Another head hit the water with a loud splash. Eileen employed a similar tactic to Ciaran, using her Blades of Mercy to make precise cuts in the hydra's flesh before stomping on the head to chop it off. 

Maria, on the other hand, preferred a more theatrical way of dispatching the hydra... She activated her Rakuyo and set it on fire, then plunged the blades into the creature. The moment Maria drew blood, it spontaneously ignited. And whenever Maria fought, there was a lot of blood and fire involved... A LOT of blood and fire involved. Still, it was a rather impressive display and the Doll and Solaire loudly cheered for her in the background. Needless to say, Maria succeeded in burning the hydra from the inside out and the fifth head crashed into the water like a flaming asteroid.

"That's it! Five heads down, one to go! YEEHAW!!!" the Slayer of Demons yelled.

"Hey... Look!" Djura pointed at the water, noticing metallic shines and sparkles and realizing that they were jewelry. He plunged a hand into the water and scooped up a handful. "Look at all this! That hydra must've gobbled up a load of treasure in the past!"

"I know! That's why I went after it in the first place!" Ludwig said.

"I don't see my ring, though..." Garl said. "Unless..."

Garl looked up at the last remaining hydra head, which was flailing around. The monster was clearly dying, and this could be his last chance to retrieve his engagement ring... The knight took a leap of faith... Literally! He leapt up into the air as high as he possibly could and managed to cling onto the hydra's chest scales. Holding Bramdt in one hand, he swung the mighty hammer heavily into the creature, embedding it in the scales. Garl used the hammer like a pickaxe as he climbed his way towards the hydra's neck.

"GARL!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Astraea yelled.

"Dammit, Garl! Now's not the time to channel Nathan Drake!" the Slayer added.

Garl didn't listen. He persisted, climbing and climbing until he finally found himself standing on top of the hydra's head. The moment the hydra opened its mouth, the knight jumped up and pried its jaws open with his legs. Garl swung Bramdt again, hitting the jaws until they were dislocated and left a large opening. He was met with the sight of the creature's massive throat, lined with slimy throat spikes. Hanging from these spikes were an insane amount of trinkets and jewelry, even a few broken fishing rods and boat parts here and there. Finally, he saw it...

The engagement ring. It was still there!

Without even stopping to think, Garl plunged his arm into the hydra's throat and reached for the slimy, bloody, but still intact engagement ring. It took a lot of effort to pull the ring out while trying to hold on to the wildly thrashing, dying monster, but Garl persisted. His fingers eventually felt the smooth metal and pulled it from the hydra's throat with all his might. He then triumphantly held up the ring and screamed at the top of his lungs.

**DEAREST ASTRAEA...**

**WILL...**

**YOU...**

**MARRY...**

**ME???"**

Astraea was dumbstruck. Here they were, in the middle of a lake, fighting for their lives against a 100-foot tall hydra, and still all Garl could think about was asking her to marry him. The knight was incredibly stubborn and Astraea had half a mind to whack him in the head with his own hammer for being so hard-headed. But still, the maiden couldn't help but smile. She took a deep breath and shouted back at him at the top of her lungs.

"YES!!! YES, GARL, OF COURSE!!! OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU!!! NOW GET DOWN FROM THAT HYDRA!!!"

With a loud splash, Garl landed in the water just as the hydra crashed down and finally died. He swam back towards the group and once he was safely back in the speedboat, Garl knelt down in front of Astraea and slipped the ring on her finger. He stood up again and smiled at Astraea, who looked at her finger and realized just how beautiful the ring looked. She smiled back at Garl, then pulled him in for a long, passionate kiss.

And that was it. For all it was worth, Garl's marriage proposal was a HUGE success.

...

"Man, what a crazy night..."

The gang were spending a lazy late morning in the hotsprings, getting some well-earned rest and relaxation after the "proposal" from the previous night. The men were lazily leaning against the rocks on their side of the partition, while the women as per usual played Cards Against Humanity. Garl was especially tired but incredibly happy, and he seemed to have a permanent smile on his face now, even while sleeping. The Slayer of Demons also had a smile on his face, though it was mostly one of relief now that Garl and Astraea were officially engaged to each other and he didn't have to stress out over it anymore.

The Chosen Undead and Solaire were the only ones who were still awake and were exchanging stories. The Chosen Undead excitedly told his friend about how his older sister Anri was coming home soon after being away on a Blue Sentinels excursion for so long. Solaire talked about his siblings and how he was looking forward to attend his niece Gertrude's birthday party. Eventually the two ended up discussing the strange turn of events and how funnily enough, everything worked out in the end for Garl and Astraea.

"Wow, Garl sure looks like a million bucks, doesn't he?" the Chosen Undead remarked.

"Indeed," Solaire nodded. "Garl is a lucky man, to have Astraea and all... You can really tell those two are meant for each other. Kind of like you and Rhea, really."

"Oh! Um, thanks..." the Chosen Undead blushed heavily at the mention of Rhea.

"And, well, all of our friends are a perfect match for each other, actually," Solaire added. "To be honest, sometimes I do get a bit jealous, being around such wonderful couples all the time. Does that sound odd? I don't even know why I'm saying all this. Aha ha ha ha ha..."

The Chosen Undead chuckled and patted Solaire on the shoulder. "Don't worry, bud. You'll find the perfect guy or girl out there someday, too." Solaire grew quiet for a moment and seemed to be pondering something.

"Actually... I think I already have..." Solaire muttered as he blushed. "The perfect girl for me..."

"Oh? Who? Wait..." the Chosen Undead said, "N-no way... Don't tell me it's..."

Meanwhile on the other side of the partition...

"Not in the mood for Cards Against Humanity?" the Doll asked her cousin.

"Not right now, no," Maria shook her head. She looked at Astraea and noted the wide grin on her face. "Well, Astraea seems to be on Cloud Nine, doesn't she?"

"Of course. She's getting married, after all, and we are all happy for her," the Doll said. "So why the long face, Maria?"

"What do you mean? Everything's fine," Maria said.

"You're not upset that your swimsuit trick didn't work, are you?" the Doll teased.

Maria huffed. "No, no I am _not_ upset. Stop assuming things, Evetta."

"You know, the Good Hunter and I can still get you a reservation at the couples hotspring, if you want."

"Even if you did, I doubt it would work on that oblivious, sexy blond idiot..."

"Maria, you do realize what you just admitted, right?"

"... Damn it," Maria slapped her forehead and turned her face away to hide her reddening cheeks.

"Do not worry, your secret is safe with me," the Doll smiled. "For now..."

Maria said nothing. She submerged herself in the water to hide the now obvious blush on her cheeks. The Doll chuckled. 

"All in due time, Maria. Right now, the gang has the wedding to look forward to. Big changes are coming soon, no doubt. So... I wonder what kind of crazy adventures we'll get into once that rolls around?"

The Doll sighed and leaned back against a rock, smiling as she thought about the future. Indeed, things were going to change, and the Soulsborne Gang would be there to face these changes as true companions... No matter how insane and ridiculous things get.

THE END.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [An Angel, A Devil and Two Angry Men](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6153541) by [FanficsbyVe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficsbyVe/pseuds/FanficsbyVe)




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